WWDIL4
 
 
Echoes in Eternity
 
What We Do in Life …
 
Part Four – Countdown
 
by
 
Reagan Kavanagh and Diana Walker
 
This work of adult fiction, loosely based on characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and experiences; you have been warned.  No copyright infringement on the original work is intended.  ©Reagan Kavanagh and Diana Walker 2006.
 

 
Mid October 2006
 
DIANA
“You’ve done what?” 
 
“I said we’ve changed churches for the wedding.  Maximus and I …well, okay, I got into it with the priest.”
 
“Got into what with the priest?”
 
“He says he can’t marry us.  His stated reason was that as we had rescheduled so many of our prenuptial conferences, he no longer felt confident of our commitment to the marriage.  He didn’t feel he could perform the ceremony.”
 
“I thought you’d only rescheduled two of them.”
 
“You’re correct.  The underlying issue is that we aren’t front and centre in Church each Sunday, and his balance sheet is suffering.  When we’re there, Maximus leaves a rather hefty cheque in the collection plate.  When we don’t attend, the cheque isn’t there.  I suspect the priest’s game plan was to manoeuvre us into weekly attendance so that his bishop would be happy with the proceeds.  To his chagrin, his plan backfired.  We’ve found another church, and the new invitations are being printed as we speak.  I’ve already contacted Nationwide Couriers; they’ll hand deliver all of them within 24 hours of receipt.”
 
“Which church is going to be hosting the main event?”
 
“Perkins Chapel, at SMU.”
 
“Why didn’t you go with that option in the first place?”
 
“I don’t know.  Actually, it didn’t occur to me.  It was likely too simple an option.”
 
“And the minister is to be …?”
 
“Reverend Corlyss Abernathy.  She’s a lovely woman, and Maximus and I both like her.  She’s Methodist – obviously - and had an opening in her calendar for the 21st of October …we do have to move the ceremony up from three until one, but that’s no big deal.  The Chapel has a wedding at three, and we’re snugged in between that ceremony and the one at nine that morning.”
 
“Jesus …do they run weddings through on a production line?”
 
“Sort of …at least they had an opening.  I’d have been shit out of luck if we’d been planning a summer wedding.”
 
“Let me pull up Project …what changes need to be made for Appletree?”
 
“They’ll still do everything except the church flowers.”
 
“You’re not having church flowers?”
 
“Of course we’re having church flowers, but they’ll be generic.  The way this works is that the minister gets with the brides for all the weddings scheduled on a given day, and they meet with someone from the School of Design.  The Design School person works out flowers that will accommodate everyone’s colour schemes, and the brides only worry about flowers for themselves and their attendants and the individual bride’s and groom’s friends and families.  I met with the rep from Design yesterday, and she’s incorporating my colours into what she has planned, and they’ll work a treat.  Maximus and I will go on and pay the full ride with Appletree, unless they’re able to get another function in that would cover their loss on the church flowers.”
 
“I think we’ll let Terry call and wind Vickie around his little finger on that one …does he know yet?”
 
“Nope …you got the exclusive press release.”
 
“Gee, I don’t know how to thank you for the consideration.  When will the new invitations be ready?”
 
“Tomorrow.”
 
“Great.  You’re still using the envelopes already addressed, right?”
 
“Yes.  The only thing that’s changed is two lines on the actual invitation.  We’ll only have to re-stuff the envelopes.  Thank God we’ve not already sealed them.”
 
“You dodged a bullet on that one.  That would be a third total set, and now we’re into prime time for printing.  Okay …phone calls.  You’ve got the photographer and the Mansion, and day after tomorrow, you and I and Sarah and Dolores will meet someplace to get the things re-stuffed.  I’ll see if TEO’s conference room is available that day.  Are you changing hotels for the out-of-towners?”
 
“I let Maximus deal with that, and he’s making the phone calls to update the guests ...thank God our cells phones have unlimited long-distance and three million minutes each month.  We’ve reserved a block of rooms at the Adolphus.  He’s already talked to the manager at the Radisson in Plano, and all reservations and deposits will be transferred; all the guests have to do is get themselves to the Adolphus.  Of course, Maximus compensated the Radisson nicely for their ‘courtesy’ in letting go the rooms and working with the Adolphus on all the transfers.  Anyone who doesn’t want to stay downtown is on their own for location.  We’re paying the full ride – including airfare – for Jack and the midshipmen.  Everyone else expects to pay for their own room.”
 
“Out of my not-so-idle curiosity, what do the wedding etiquette books have to say about a last minute change like this?”
 
“There is no etiquette for situations such as this.  We may need to write our own book.  You’ve been the de facto wedding planner on this and done a great job.  Have you considered taking this up as a part-time avocation, as opposed to a full-time vocation?  You could probably rake in the money, and you'd only have to work when you wanted.”
 
“Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ve dealt with whiney VPs.  I’ve no desire to deal with whiney and hysterical brides and their mothers.”
 
“Just thought I’d toss out the possibility.”
 
“Thanks, but no sale.  Okay, the reschedule doesn’t change anything for me, other than annotating the church and hotel name changes in Project.  You need to hang up now; I have to check in with Terry and get him on the horn to Appletree.” 
 
*
 
“Terry Thorne.”
 
“Hi, Honey.  Whatcha doing?”
 
I could hear the suspicion in his voice.  “What’s wrong?”
 
“Do you know how much I love your unflappable nature?  You talk to Max yet this morning?”
 
“No, he’s been on the phone since the moment he walked in the door.  Why?”  The suspicious tone in his voice had gotten thicker.
 
“The reason he’s been on the phone is because he and Reags have changed the church for the wedding meaning floral arrangements have been changed.  Since you’re on such good terms with Vickie, you get to make that call.  The church flowers are gone, but everything else is still a go.  Offer them the deal that if they can’t backfill something else to make up the loss in revenue, Max will still pay the full amount.  And can you pull up the schedule for the conference room?  We’re going to need it to stuff invitation envelopes tomorrow, if at all possible.  Our dining room table isn’t big enough for all the stacks I envision.”
 
“Has he changed brides as well?  How much of Max’s money am I authorised to spend?”
 
“Nope, he’s still stuck with Reags.  No more than the original quote.  Is the conference room free?”
 
“We have a morning meeting, but it’s free from about eleven on …will that do you?”
 
“It will have to …thanks, Honey.  See you tonight.  I love you.”
 
“I love you, too, Lady.”
 
 
MAXIMUS
I hung up the phone and looked at Terry.  He had walked to the door of my office and leant against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest.  He smiled as he shook his head at me.  His comment was succinct.
 
“Women, eh?”  I leant back in my chair and looked at him.
 
“Have you any suggestions for facilitating this process?”  He shook his head as he sat across from me.
 
“Not a one, Mate.  The General would have killed Marjorie and me if we’d done something like this.”
 
“I doubt killing her would do any good at this juncture; her shade would return to haunt me.”
 
“Max, you missed my point …the General would have killed BOTH of us.  That means you’re dead, too.”  I sighed.
 
“Is this likely to continue …the changing her mind part …once we’re married?”
 
“Count on it; it’s programmed into their genetic code.”
 
“Was Marjorie prone to changing her mind?”
 
“In everything but the wedding.  She changed doctors six times whilst she was pregnant with Henry.  I’d no bloody idea which hospital to go to when he was born until her mum called to set me straight.”  I stood and went to the credenza, pulling out glasses and a bottle of cognac and pouring a healthy shot into each glass before handing one to him.  His raised eyebrow asked the question.
 
“I learnt from you …having a bottle of cognac at the ready is most beneficial at times.”  He raised his glass.
 
“Cheers, Max.  We’ll get you two through this.”  I took a swallow from my glass and looked across the desk at him.
 
“How much more is this likely to cost me, beyond what has been spent to date?”
 
“The flowers are done; I sorted that out for you after talking to Diana.  There’s no additional expense there, and you actually save a bit.  Reprinting the invitations …Diana said Reags got a quote of $600. The delivery costs are an entirely different matter.  You won’t know until the last invitation is delivered, and they tally the mileage.  Best be prepared to dig deep, Max.  That could end up costing you more than the rest of the wedding combined.”  I rubbed my face with both hands, telling myself once more that Cassandra was worth any expense.  I cannot speak for other men, but I will be heartily pleased to have this wedding business done.  Terry assures me the wedding trip will be worth having endured this travail.

 
TERRY
I had taken Diana out to dinner and looked across the table at her as we sat.
 
“We are not discussing the wedding tonight.  We’ve discussed little else in weeks.  We’ve not talked to each other – aside from that one rather memorable day - since before Max got home.”  She looked particularly lovely tonight.  New highlights in her hair, a manicure, and I’d been throwing hay so she wouldn’t break a nail.  I reached over the table to take one of those immaculately groomed hands …it fit so perfectly in mine.  I’d seen those hands command and then soothe a 1,200 pound beast, but their softness could - and regularly did - send me over the edge.  Her question put an end to that reminiscence.
 
“Did Max tell you WHY they changed churches?”
 
“No, he didn’t.  I suppose you’re going to tell me now.  All right, we’ll defer the ‘no wedding talk’ until you’re done.”  Aside from the three times we’d argued, I’d never seen the set her jaw had now.  Whatever the reason for the change, it had her off and running with the bit between her teeth.  I asked the obligatory question.  “Why did they change churches at the last minute?”
 
“That stupid, fucking priest!  The idiot decided that because Max failed to make some of the counselling sessions, they weren’t committed to the marriage.  I called the week Max was taken and talked to the moron myself.  I explained that Max had been kidnapped …does the man not comprehend the meaning of the word KIDNAPPED?  Max couldn’t make the counselling sessions!  What a freaking, money-grubbing sod!  He used that as a pretext because he wasn’t seeing enough weekly contributions in his collection plate.  God, but I hate organised religion!”  Well, that did put all this morning's turmoil in a different light.
 
“And what would you have me do about this?  Blow up the church?  Slip an IED on the undercarriage of the priest’s car?  Declare siege on the rectory?”  She seemed to be giving those options serious consideration.
 
“Not the church …they might be able to get a better priest if he’s gone.  Not the rectory …he’s probably got some widow with five kids as housekeeper, and I’d hate to hurt her and leave her children homeless.  His car could work …with him in it!  I know you know how to rig an explosive device to the ignition switch.  And if you’re not willing to do it, teach me!”  I know she’s taking the piss …well, from the look on her face, perhaps she isn’t.  She likely already had a new line item in the Project document …Destruction of Priest.  What have I got myself into this time?
 
“I could talk to Tom Holloway and see if there’s legal precedent for billing the priest for the cost of reprinting the invitations and delivery charges.”  Perhaps I could appeal to her rational side. 
 
“That’s not good enough!  I need to have his beating heart in my hands.  Oh, he doesn’t have a heart, does he?  Okay, talk to Tom and see if you can recoup some of Max’s money.”  The woman isn’t getting within ten feet of my goolies tonight, so asking her to dance is now out of the question.
 
“I acknowledge that the priest is a prick, and I know you’re speaking metaphorically, but could we get back to the not discussing the bloody wedding?  I’ve taken my best sheila to dinner, and I’d really prefer concentrating on her for the balance of the evening.”  She relaxed visibly.
 
“Oh, Terry, I love you because you understand me …and yes, you can key the cheesy music.”  We both laughed.
 
 
MAXIMUS
I stopped on the way home to pick up dinner.  Cassandra had lost a great deal of weight whilst I was held captive and was still losing.  The last fitting for her gown was three days hence.  She could not lose more weight, else she would look like a wraith on our wedding day.  Worse, she would likely fall ill.  As I drove past a Black-eyed Pea restaurant, I made my decision and turned round, pulling into the car park.  Cassandra is quite fond of vegetables, and they had a good selection.  I made my way inside and perused the take-out menu. 
 
Chicken fried steak with creamed gravy, mashed potatoes with extra gravy, squash casserole, fried okra, black-eyed peas, what for dessert?  Peach cobbler.  From now until the wedding, aside from the nights set aside for the rehearsal dinner and the hen’s/buck’s night parties Terry tells me are required, we would dine out, or I would bring home take-out.  I would not risk her health further.  When I opened the door, the aroma of the food in the bags preceded me into the house.  She came out of the bedroom and stopped, looking at the bags in my hands.
 
“What’s that?”
 
“Dinner.”
 
“What is it?  I’ve got something thawed.”
 
“Good.  Then we have a selection.”
 
“I thought you liked my cooking.”  Was there a touch of reprimand in her tone?
 
“I do, but at this time you apparently do not, as you are not eating what you prepare.  I thought perhaps a change might entice you.  What were you intending to cook tonight?”
 
“Fillet of sole, asparagus, and a salad.”  Were it not for the large lunches at work each day with Terry and Dino, I, too, would have lost weight.  The fact that she had lost her appetite in no way implied mine was lacking.
 
“Wonderful!  Now we have a good variety.”  I had made my way to the kitchen and placed the bags on the counter.  She followed me and opened one of them. 
 
“What’s this?”
 
“I stopped at the Black-eyed Pea.  You have a fondness for their vegetables, and I added a meat dish and dessert.”
 
“I don’t eat desserts.”  To use Terry’s term, she was now being pissy.  I would try another approach.
 
“Cara, you have lost an appalling amount of weight over the summer.  I fear for your health.  Further, your last fitting for your gown is three days hence.  If you lose weight after that, the gown will not fit and likely be unbecoming on our wedding day.” 
 
“Are you implying I’m turning into a hag?”  Perhaps another approach would serve me better, assuming I could conceive of another.
 
“Cara, you have never been more beautiful, but I do fear for your health.”
 
“My health is fine …and if I’ve never been more beautiful, why are you so intent on feeding me?”  What would Terry say in this instance?  I had no clue.  Ah yes, I was to be prepared to change my position immediately should she disagree.  If I did not know her stance, I must try and imagine what would best serve me.  Unfortunately, I still had no notion of what that might be in this specific instance.  Perhaps a change of subject would suffice.
 
“I have brought your favourite foods from that restaurant.  Will you not at least try to eat a bit of it, for my sake?”  Terry would refer to that option as a mercy fuck.  She sighed and returned the sole to the refrigerator before going to the china cabinet for plates and silver.  I served our plates and carried them to table, holding her chair for her as she sat and unfolded her napkin.  She ate, though sparingly, perhaps two or three bites of everything before pushing away her plate.
 
“I can’t eat another bite.” 
 
“There is dessert …one of which you are particularly fond, peach cobbler.”
 
“Maximus, you know I don’t eat desserts.  I don’t think anything you could offer would entice me at this point.”  I smiled at her as I stood to remove our plates.
 
“Perhaps if I were to put it on my cock?”  She smiled, and her tongue peeked out from her lips.  Perhaps I had at last found a way to make her eat.
 
 
SOOZE
Dolores and Sarah were taking the train into town at 1100.  Max was springing for lunch before the ‘envelope stuffing’ group got to work re-stuffing the damned invitations’ envelopes for the wedding.  The guys would man the phones for the afternoon, and I was resigned to the task at hand.  Sarah was happy for a day out of the house, and Dolores was ecstatic at spending the afternoon in proximity to Terry.  I thank God daily that Terry Thorne is an honorable man with no interest in Dolores aside from loving her as he did his own child.  If Dolores has to have a crush on a grown man, I’m glad she’s picked one of the three most upright and trustworthy men I’ve ever known, i.e., Terry, Max, and Dino.  Any one of the three would die to keep her from harm while cherishing her existence with his last breath.
 
We took over the conference room at one and got to work.  First on the list was removing all the original invitations from the inside envelopes.  That took us an hour, as we couldn’t afford to tear or otherwise mutilate the envelopes or tissue leaves.  Next was arranging the new invitations and tissue cover leaves in stacks in front of each of us, along with the inside envelopes – names already inscribed in Reags’ and Dee’s flowing manuscript.  Damn, but those two women have beautiful penmanship.  The corresponding outer envelopes with names and addresses sat beside the inner envelopes.  Dee told everyone to make damned sure that the name on the inside envelope matched the name on the outer one before stuffing and sealing.  She shot a look at Reags before we got to work.
 
“Are you damned sure that neither the date, time, nor location of this fucking wedding is going to change again?  If any of those are possibilities, tell me now and I’m leaving.  I am NOT doing this again!”  Reags laughed in spite of herself.
 
“Dee, if any of this changes again, you’ll have company walking out the door because Max will be right behind you.”  We all laughed because the situation had reached the ludicrous stage.  It’s a good thing Max and Reags can afford all the re-doing this wedding has precipitated and joke about it.  Most men would have already taken to the hills.  I also was glad to hear Reags calling him ‘Max’ rather than Maximus in Dolores’ presence.  I’d really like not to try and explain the implications of ‘Maximus’ to either she or Sarah at this point in time.  I may eventually have to deal with that, but I’d prefer waiting until I have no alternative.  Conversation rocked along, and then Dolores dropped the bombshell.  I wanted to crawl under the conference table.
 
“Auntie Reags?”
 
“Ummm?”
 
“Can I ask you a question?”
 
“Of course you may.  What is it, Dolores?”  I’d smiled at Reags’ subtle correction of Dolores’ grammar …that lasted for about three seconds, just long enough for Dolores to ask her question.
 
“When are you and Uncle Max going to have a baby?”  I was so shocked at my child’s asking such a personal question that I was speechless, and Dee caught her breath.  My God, my child made even her gasp.  Of course, Reags took it right in stride.
 
“Well, we were thinking we’d wait on that until after we’re married.  Don’t you think that’s a good idea?”  Dolores giggled, and Reags winked at her.
 
“But after that …are you going to try and get pregnant soon?”  I finally found my voice.
 
“DOLORES KATHERINE ROBERTSON!  You do NOT ask people questions of that nature!”  Reags looked at me.
 
“Why not, Sooze?  It’s a perfectly logical question, and I don’t mind.”  I wanted to slap her.  I appreciate her understanding and acceptance of children’s innate curiosity but didn’t care for her encouraging Dolores to ask questions that were none of her business.  She turned back to Dolores.
 
“There are several considerations involved in answering that, Honey.  First of all, you know Max and I aren’t what you would call ‘young.’  He’s 42, and I’m 38.  Women my age usually don’t get pregnant as easily – or as quickly – as women in their 20s.  The second matter is that if we do have a baby, we’d like to have one before we get much older …don’t you think that makes sense?”  Dolores nodded as I crossed my eyes.  “And last, we’d like to be married for a little while before we have a baby, just to make sure we can stand each other.”  Her smile made Dolores giggle as she made another ‘observation.’
 
“But you guys have been living together for a long time now.  If you don’t think you can stand each other, why are you getting married?”  I didn’t know which of them to kill first …Dolores for her unbridled curiosity or Reags for her frankness.
 
“You have a point there, and I imagine we’ll start trying within a year.  After all, if I’m going to be chasing a little kid around, it would be good if I wasn’t doing it on a walker, now wouldn’t it?”  The shouts of laughter around the table got Dolores off that subject, but I was going to have a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter when I got her home tonight.  For that matter, I was going to have a little talk with Reags.  Terry chose that moment to walk into the room.
 
“What’s all the laughter?  Sounds as if the blokes are missing out on all the fun.”  Max and Dino walked in behind him, Max going around the table to stand behind Reags and rest his hand on her shoulder as she smiled up at him.  Thanks so much, Terry; that was all Dolores needed to get her off and running again.
 
“I was asking Auntie Reags when she and Uncle Max are going to have a baby.”  Max’s smile broadened as he looked across the table at her, answering in a softer voice than I was used to hearing around the office.
 
“We shall be working on it within a matter of months, Dolores.  Reagan and I are not getting any younger, and if we are to have a child, it will likely be soon.”  Reags tilted her head to look up at him and smiled again.  Dolores was ecstatic; I’m betting Reags is pregnant within six months.
 
 
DIANA
We were headed for the last fitting on Reags’ gown.  When the gown had been fit during the Spring term, Reags’ weight was stable and had been for years, so we’d just hung it in my closet until the big day.  Now it was going to have to be taken in at least two sizes; Priscilla of Boston had never met Reagan Kavanagh when she conceived the design for this gown.  I knew the dressmaker would have a hissy fit and was praying that she could do the alterations without ruining the gown’s classic lines.  If she couldn’t, we were going to have to try to find something off-the-rack that would fit.  My intention was to stuff as much food as possible into Reags before today’s fitting, and then Max and I would have to make damned sure she didn’t drop another ounce.  Needless to say, I was serving her plate today.  We were going to Kebab and Kurry’s noon buffet and arrived shortly before the rush started.  After finding a table and ordering our drinks, I got up.  Reags started to stand.
 
“Stay right where you are.  I’m serving your plate, and I expect you to eat every frigging bite.  If you whine after taking two bites and tell me you can’t eat another mouthful, I swear to God, I’ll sit on you and force feed you!”  Reags raised an eyebrow at me.
 
“First Max, now you …is this a conspiracy?”
 
“Think cabal.  Reags, we’re all worried about your health.  Yes, I know you’re ‘fine,’ but you’re too tall to be this thin, and it will catch up with you.  None of us want you getting sick on the honeymoon.”  She frowned; she’d been doing a lot of that this past summer.
 
“I know …you hate that word.  Okay, no one wants you getting sick on your wedding trip.  Is that better?  And I hate the term wedding trip as much as you do honeymoon, so we’re even.  I love the concept, but can’t real wedding planners come up with a better term for adults?”  One eyebrow went up.
 
“Do you know where we’re going?”
 
“Yes, I do, but I’m sworn to secrecy, as are Terry, Dino, and Sooze, so don’t waste your time asking.  You’ll love it.”
 
Three minutes later, I was back with plates for both of us.  Hers had an inch-thick layer of rice on it, topped with Beef Vindaloo, Chicken Tikka Masala, and Nan bread.  Her eyes widened when I put the plate in front of her.
 
“Eat all of it, and there’s dessert.  You love Kheer.”  When I said ‘dessert,’ she almost fell out of her chair laughing, though at what I couldn’t imagine.  Her sense of humor gets stranger every day.
 
 
REAGAN
I know Dee thought I’d lost my mind when I started laughing, but I was remembering Maximus and his method for getting me to eat the peach cobbler a couple of nights earlier.  I had this mental image of him - his dick dripping in Kheer - and thinking how long it would take me to get enough of it that way to placate Dee.  If that was the case, Maximus would die a happy man.  The fallacy there was imagining a piece of rice getting stuck in his slit and the ensuing irritation …that would pretty well put a damper on the wedding trip!  I actually did manage to eat most of what was on the plate and topped it off with a small helping of Kheer, grumbling as I stood.
 
“I’m never going to be able to hold my stomach in for this fitting.”  Dee snorted at me.
 
“What stomach?  You look like the washboard a grandmother would have hanging on the wall.”  I finally laughed.  She was right.  I was almost at the point that I wanted to drape a sheet over the bathroom mirror so I didn’t have to look at myself when I got in and out of the shower each day.  I’d probably have done just that, but the mirror went all the way to the ceiling over the two lavatories and counter. 
 
I looked at Dee as we got into the car.  “Did you notice on the server that Dino’s put in for a week of vacation in November?”
 
“No …I don't have access to anything other than the shared drive.  He can’t be going very far if he’s only taking a week.  What were you doing looking at the COMPANY calendar?  Are you going to be one of those wives who snoop?”
 
“Only insofar as the calendar is concerned.  After the year we’ve all had, I want as much advance warning of where Maximus is going to be - and when he’s going to be there - as is humanly possible.  As far as Dino’s concerned, I’m thinking Mexico, maybe the Caribbean.  Do you know anything I don’t?” 
 
“All I know is that he’s declined my Friday night dinner invitations since we got Max safely home.”
 
“Interesting …he’s declined ours for most Saturdays.”  I looked at her, and we spoke almost in the same voice.
 
“Dino has a woman squirreled away!”
 
“Think he’ll bring her to the wedding?”
 
“If she’s going to be there, she’s already on the guest list because he hasn’t indicated that he’s bringing a guest.”  We’d be going over the invitation list with a fine toothed comb as soon as we were done with the fitting.
 
*
 
We were at my house, both of us in front of the computer as I scrolled through the guest list.  Nothing …and then I saw it.  I highlighted the name and turned to look at Dee.  We smiled at each other.  Gotcha!
 
*
 
I did allow Maximus get in the door and drop his briefcase before I asked.
 
“Does Dino have a woman squirreled away?”  His look of astonishment as he turned to look at me told me he was clueless.
 
“I am not aware of a woman.  Why do you ask?”
 
“He’s got a week’s vacation posted on the calendar on the office server.”  Now his jaw dropped.
 
“How would you know that?”
 
“I looked.”
 
“That is patently obvious.  How did you get into that side of the server?  It has a different password than that for the wedding planning documents.”  Was he really that naïve?  Well, yes, clearly, the man was.
 
“Maximus, all I had to do was watch you log in one time.  You don’t type fast enough for me not to be able to discern the password.”  Now he frowned.
 
“You should not have presumed.  That is business; it does not concern you.”
 
“That’s your opinion.  After the summer I had, I went in to see what trips you have on the docket for as far out as you have any scheduled.  All I’ve looked at is the calendar because I’m not interested in anything else.  If I’m going to be your wife, I think I have a right to know what you have in the pipeline.  And no, you don’t need to change the password for the firm.  I’ll never look at anything beyond the calendar because it’s none of my business.  The trips that the three of you are scheduled to make is hardly what anyone would consider classified.”  He stood there for a moment, lips pursed in that way he has while he thought that through. 
 
“I have your promise that you will go no farther than the calendar?”
 
“I swear it on my mother’s grave.  Looking farther would be unethical.”  He sighed. 
 
“I was aware that Dino is taking a week’s vacation in November.  I have no knowledge of his intended destination, nor any notion of whether he is seeing anyone aside from the women he meets in the various gentlemen’s clubs.”  I grinned at him.
 
“You’re no fun at all.  How am I going to pump you for information if you don’t know anything?”  Now he smiled.
 
“We might have a great deal of fun, should you determine to try.”  He’s getting really good at innuendo.
 
 
DIANA
“What do guys do at a Buck’s Night?”  We were at the computer desk, staring at Project.  This particular bit of Uncle Bill’s software is wonderful at organizing tasks but lousy at providing creative ideas.
 
“You have beer, you have food, and a sheila pops out of a cake.  Sometimes you get the groom laid, but I don’t think Maxie’s going for that option.  He’s got the stick up his arse even farther than usual these days.”
 
“That’s all?”
 
“Yeah …what do you lot do at Hen’s Night?”
 
“We have dinner, we have champagne, we talk about the men involved …sometimes the bride gets dragged to Chippendale’s or the Dallas equivalent thereof.  Terry, I don’t even know if there is a male strip club in the Dallas area any longer.  Even if there is, I can’t see Reags wanting to do that any more than you see Max wanting to get laid by some stripper.”
 
“So we’re just putting ourselves through this little exercise because it’s tradition?”
 
“I guess.  Well, there is the fact that I really want to see Reags in one of those tacky little mock bridal veils they make brides wear at Hen’s nights.”
 
“That’s mean, Diana."

"I suppose you think getting Max a box full of Viagra is any better?"

It all sounds rather childish, now we're talking about it.  It isn’t as if we need to see everyone invited because we haven’t done in yonks.  Christ, but for the few coming in from out of town, we’ve all been joined at the hip since Cairo.”
 
“Terry, we’ve got to get some enthusiasm about this.”
 
“I’ve tried; it isn’t working.”
 
“Me either.  This is the third run we’ve made at this, and it’s still falling flat.”
 
“Look, instead of the usual thing, why don’t we just have a nice meal and cocktails for everyone connected to the wedding party?  Jack and the mids, Wigand, Driscoll, and Ackerman will be here by then.  Sooze hasn’t been included on anything to date nor have Dolores and Reags’ other attendant.  We could make this a time to get acquainted …or re-acquainted, as the case may be.  Ackerman’s giving her away, and he’s not seen any of us in other than work mode.  The only less than serious thing he’s seen from any of us was you with drool all over your face when you met Jack Aubrey in DC last year.”
 
“I did not have drool all over my face …it was elsewhere.”
 
“Yes.  Well, at least I was able to reap the benefit!”  I sighed, and Terry laughed.
 
“When do the mids arrive?  I know Jack will be here the Sunday before the wedding.  I have an idea.  You give each of the guys who would have been at the Buck’s Night $250, and I’ll give all the women who’d have been at the Hen’s Night $250, and we’ll tell them all to go away and leave us alone.”
 
“I can’t do that.  It would mark me as an oldie in the mids’ eyes, and I don’t think my fragile male ego would survive that.”  We both laughed and sighed again. 
 
“How’s your leg?  Do you need me to move?”  I’d been sitting on his right leg, still not sure enough of his injured leg to risk sitting on his lap and putting weight on the left one.
 
“The fucker is fine …as is the one that was injured.  Any more questions?”
 
“Do we have to do this?”  Another mutual sigh.
 
“Let’s just have a cocktail party and a nice meal.  Let everyone relax before the last windup.”
 
“Terry, we really need to do something fun and wild, like a girl on a velvet swing.  Remember, we’re imprinting young minds here …the mids and Dolores.”
 
“Fine.  We’ll have the cocktail party and dinner at the Adolphus and give Maxie and Reags a sex swing for their bedroom after we send Dolores upstairs to bed.  We’ll get a room for her and Sooze in the hotel for that night.”
 
“A SEX SWING?”
 
“Sure.  They’re very popular in the Far East.” 
 
“I see ….”
 
“Come on, Diana, it’s a gag gift, and they’re adults.  Reags will fall on the floor laughing, and Max will have it installed an hour after they get home.”  He grinned at me.  “And if I buy more than one, I can get a discount ….”
 
“Well, if one of the horses should break a leg, I could use it as a sling, and ….” 
 
He cut me off.  “Diana, I wouldn’t be buying it for the bloody horses!” 
 
“I was joking!  Well, if you want them to have a sex swing, you’re ordering it.  There’s no way in hell I’m putting that on one of my charge cards.”
 
“I’ll get Dino to order it.”
 
“Not on a TEO purchase order or a TEO credit card.”
 
“Agreed.  We split the cost and pay Dino when the bill arrives.  Are we done?”
 
“Does Dino have any alternate identities he could use to order it?”
 
“None of which I’m aware.  Besides, it would be a boost to his ego.  Can we agree on a dinner at the hotel?”
 
“I think that’s as good as it’s going to get.  I suppose you guys have talked this gift idea over at the office, and Sooze is in on it?”
 
“She’s in on whatever gag gift we can decide on; you know her sense of humour.”
 
A horrible thought struck me.  “Do we have to do toasts for THIS, along with the ones at the wedding?” 
 
His nod was definite.  “We do.”
 
“You’re sure we can get Dolores to bed after dinner and before the swing?”
 
“I’ll warn Sooze.”
 
“We’re all going to have to watch our mouths until she leaves, and we have to have her there, Terry.  She’s a member of the wedding party, and she adores you.”  He smiled.
 
“She’s a love, isn’t she?  We’ll have her there for the meal, but then she’ll have to go to their room.  It’s a school night for her, remember?  Sooze won’t want her out past nine.  The adults can play once she’s out the door.”
 
“I’m starting to really dislike that child.” 
 
He grinned.  “Are you jealous of her as well?”
 
I punched him; unfortunately, he saw my intention and flexed his arm before my fist landed.  It hurt me more than him.  “I’m not jealous of a child, but I am tired of planning around her.  Every time we try to do something, we have to consider that she is a child, and that makes it a lot more difficult.  Why couldn’t Reags have had a flower girl who wouldn’t have to be considered in any of the planning?”
 
“Because she’s very fond of Dolores, as is Max.”
 
“As are you.  Just be aware of her feelings, Terry.  You truly are her first love.  Don’t do anything to hurt her.”  That got me a shocked look.
 
“Why would I do anything to hurt her?  I love that child in the same way I do Henry.”
 
“I know you do, Terry, and that’s the point.  She’s at a very vulnerable age.  I remember the first crush I had on an older man.  He was handsome, he was funny, he was intelligent – in short, he was smart enough to always keep me at arm’s length.  Be sure you do the same with Dolores.  Be careful of what you say to her.  If you say something negative or critical, no matter how well intentioned, you could scar her for life.  Be careful with her heart, because right now, it’s in your hands.”  He looked at me, now totally serious.
 
“I have a couple of very important hearts in my hands these days …and I promise you, I’ll be careful with both of them.”
 
 
MAXIMUS
I had arrived home after making time for a few errands, and we had an early dinner.  I had again brought a meal.  In addition to ensuring that Cassandra consumed those foods that were likely to keep her from losing more weight, it seemed that her not having the responsibility of cooking at this juncture was likely a good idea.  This experience had taught me the workings of a wedding, and the responsibility entailed in putting on such a production.  Make no mistake, it is a production.  It was Monday; we were to be married on Saturday.  In addition to the two weeks for our wedding trip, I had taken this week off work in an effort to take as much of the burden off Cassandra as was possible.  We had slept in this morning – she usually arises with me during the work week – and she had been in a more relaxed frame of mind all day.  She had taken off last week and would not return to teaching until mid-November.  When I entered the house, she was standing at the windows on the north side, looking out toward the trees in the distance.  I carried the bags with our meal through to the kitchen, leaving them on the counter and going to her.  I put my arms round her waist, and she leant back into me, sighing as she did.
 
“Are you well, Cara?  Is something troubling you?”  She shook her head before answering.
 
“No.  I’m coveting the peace and quiet - and time with you - until the insanity starts tomorrow.  From that moment until we leave for the airport, we’re going to be living in the eye of a hurricane.”  She turned in my arms and kissed me softly before returning to her trend of thought.
 
“Maximus, I don’t do terribly well with a lot of people around me; I never have.  I hate the noise level, the intrusion into my privacy, and now into our privacy.  I hate having other people constantly underfoot.”  She looked levelly into my eyes.  “I’m not going to be a very nice person with whom to be in close quarters until the wedding’s done.  I’m going to get snappy and sarcastic and, on occasion, probably nasty and hurtful.  I’ll try not to do any of those things, but I know myself pretty well.  When I’m stressed and pissed off, I do have a tendency to lash out …and you’re the one closest and most likely to bear the brunt of my moods.  I’m apologising now …and I’ll likely continue to do so for the remainder of the week.  Please understand that it isn’t you that I’m angry at in those moments.  I’m angry at myself, and my inability to deal with having so many people about and all of them tugging me in different directions.”  I held her close, smiling into her hair as her head nestled into my shoulder.
 
“I believe I can weather the storm.”
 
*
 
“Please, Maximus.  I truly need to know.”
 
“Why is it so important, Cara?  I wish to surprise you.”
 
“If I don’t know where we’re going, how in Hell am I going to know what to pack?  I don’t know whether we’re going to the beach or the mountains or the back of Bourke, and I can’t pack without knowing something!”  I had made the reservations for our wedding trip months past – prior to my ill-fated trip to Damascus – and until this day had succeeded in keeping them from her.  I started to speak, but she waved me into silence.  “Max (I could scarcely recall the last time she had addressed me by that diminutive), look at it from a purely financial perspective.  If we’re going to Acapulco, I need a new swimsuit.  The two I have now will fall off me because I’ve lost so much weight.  If I wait and buy one in Acapulco – even if it’s a string bikini – it’s going to cost you $300 because it’s ACAPULCO and I’ll have to pay tourist prices!  I don’t want to pay $300 for a bikini I won’t be able to wear next summer.  I don’t want to pay $300 for a swimsuit that I could wear next summer!  It’s absurd, when I can buy one here for $65 or $70.”  She had at last succeeded in getting my attention.
 
“Why would two small scraps of fabric cost $65 or $70?  That is absurd.”
 
“The less fabric there is, the more the suit costs, and yes, it is absurd.  Of course, if you want me in a Mother Hubbard bathing costume, I’ll try and find one for you.” 
 
“Sarcasm ill suits you, Cassandra.”  Apparently, those last words were the ones that broke the figurative camel’s back.
 
“Then fucking TELL me where we’re going so I know what to pack and can shop HERE, if I have to buy anything to take with me!”  I took a step back before she continued.  I learnt at an early age to stay out of arm’s reach on those occasions on which a woman’s voice acquired the timbre hers had at this moment.  A descriptor I once heard from Dino came to mind.  Forty-nine percent bitch, 51% sweetheart …don’t push your luck.  Perhaps my reticence had inadvertently changed the percentages in the equation.
 
“Maximus, I don’t enjoy shopping, and you know that.  It’s annoys me to even think about it.  The last time I went shopping was before our first date, and that should tell you something.  If I don’t have something appropriate in the closet to take with me, I’ll have to buy whatever I need there …wherever the fuck there might be.  That will cost you a lot more than it will here; it will also cost us time together because I don’t see you going with me on an emergency shopping trip.”  I sighed.  When given a logical argument, even though irrationally presented, I am prone to acquiesce. 
 
“Wait here.”  She sat in her chair and lit a cigarette as I walked to the bedroom and pulled my suitcase from the closet shelf.  Opening it, I retrieved our air tickets and a printout of the hotel reservation from an envelope and returned to the lounge, holding them out to her.  She looked up at me and took one of the tickets.  “Do you not wish to know where we will be staying whilst we are there?”  She shook her head.
 
“I trust you to make hotel reservations; I only need to know where the hotel is located.”  I sat across from her, watching as she opened the folder and pulled out the itinerary.
 
“BANFF?  We’re going to Banff?”  From the expression on her face, I could only surmise my decision met with her approval.
 
“As long as I have known you, you have expressed a wish to visit there.  I thought our wedding trip would be an appropriate time, as I have not been there either.  It will be a journey of discovery for both of us, as is fitting to begin our marriage.”  She dropped the ticket to the floor and leapt from her chair, taking my hands and pulling me to me feet.
 
“I ADORE you, Maximus!”  She dropped my hands and raced to the telephone, picking up the handset and hitting a speed dial number.  “Dee?  Grab your walking shoes …we’re going SHOPPING!”  For one who dislikes the activity, she was most inordinately excited.
 
 
DIANA
I met Reags at REI about an hour after she’d called.  I looked at her as she pulled a list from the pocket of her jeans.
 
“You have a list?  You’re going to buy enough stuff that you need a list?”  This was unprecedented in my experience of Reagan Kavanagh.  She nodded.
 
“Yes.  I’ve never been to a ski resort, and when I finally looked at the brochure for the hotel we’ll be staying in, I realised I actually have to do some serious shopping.  If I wait to buy everything both of us need – because neither of us have anything for the Canadian variety of cold weather and the end of October and early November will be cold in Banff – it will cost us upwards of four-to-five-thousand dollars.  I could get everything at L. L. Bean for less than $2,000 if the local store carried northern weight clothes.  Since they don’t, REI is my best bet.  What’s so annoying about just now finding out where we’re going is that if I’d known even ten days ago, I could have ordered from Bean’s catalogue and not paid the bloody local sales tax.”  She shook her head as we entered the store.  “I love that man to distraction, but sometimes he’s just not practical …probably has something to do with still not understanding retail in the 21st century.”  Gee, ya think?  I did manage not to laugh out loud. 
 
 
DINO
The package was waiting when I got home; I grinned when I saw the return label.  The office crew had been sweating bullets, afraid it wouldn’t arrive before tomorrow night.  This was cutting it close, but I’d paid for express shipping.  I’d take it in to the office tomorrow, and we’d all take a look.  I’d seen them before; I wouldn’t open the box tonight.
 
*
 
Terry was on the phone to Dee and had the conversation on speaker.  He didn’t have to invent an excuse to get Max out of the office because he’d taken off until after the honeymoon.  Good thing, because he was driving us all crazy last week.  I didn’t want to be closer to him than 20 feet this week unless I’d had a couple of stiff drinks first.  Tio was trying to get Dee into the office to be here when we opened the package, but she was out on some last minute shopping trip with Reags.  I sat and lit a cigarette as I listened to the conversation.
 
“Terry, I can’t come …I’m with Reags!”
 
“Can’t she shop on her own?”
 
“She’s like me …she needs reinforcement to shop because she hates it as much as I do.  Tell me you NEED me for something at the office so that I can make a graceful escape without lying!”  Reags must have been close because Dee was hissing.
 
“Diana, I really need your help with this project.  Can’t you explain to Reags that she’s a big girl and is capable of doing this without you?”
 
“Yes!  Hold on a minute.”  I heard her telling Reags that she really had to come in to the office, and Reags telling her to go.  “I’ll be there as soon as possible.  See ya!  I LOVE YOU!”  Tio picked up the handset and clicked off the speaker.  I took the cue and walked out the door.  I heard his voice as I walked back to my office.
 
“That does not count as your saying you love me today.”
 
*
 
Dee had stopped at Party City on her way in to buy wrapping paper and a bow.  She had a roll of satin lustre paper – ivory – and a bow with wedding bells in it.  I laughed so hard at the absurdity of a sex swing in that wrapping that my sides hurt.  Max would probably be stunned, but Reags would fall on her ass laughing whether he was amused or not.  We put the phones on auto-answer and trooped into the conference room.  Terry did the honors of opening the box.  Sooze took one look at the swing and clapped a hand over her mouth.
 
“Oh, God, I hope that comes with instructions for use …I’d hate to see Max castrate himself!”  Somehow, I didn’t think Max would need instructions.  He’d cut a pretty wide swath through the female population before meeting Reags; I know.  I’d been with him on a couple those swaths, and his sense of adventure was probably better than mine ...the Romans had a very accepting nature when it came to sexually oriented behaviors.  Dee was watching intently as Terry put the …device …on the conference table and started laying out the straps in their positions for use.  She rose slightly in her chair.
 
“No, Terry, that strap doesn’t go th ….”  She closed her mouth in horror as three heads did a snap roll to look at her, and we shouted in laughter.  Little Miss Prim had outed herself.  I always suspected that woman had a secret life …pity I never got personal verification.  I don’t think her face could have gotten any redder if we’d put her on a spit and held her over a fire.  It was ten minutes before any of us – Dee included by that time – could stop laughing and wiping tears from our eyes.  Sooze was the first to recover.
 
“Dolores is DEFINTELY going to bed before we give them that!  I barely got through the ‘what all young girls should know’ conversation …I am NOT prepared to deal with the questions that would elicit.”  It was something to see …bright purple straps, bungee cords to provide that little bit of added thrust when a guy most wants it; this model had it all. 
 
Terry grinned.  “I still may have to order one for us ….” 
 
I looked at Sooze.  “I don’t think Dolores is the only one we need to worry about with this …I kinda doubt Jack would want the mids to see it.” 
 
Tio nodded.  “Diana and I have a room at the hotel – figured it would be easier than driving in all week – so why don’t you lot come to our room about 15 minutes before the party?”  Sooze breathed a sigh of relief.  Terry looked thoughtful and then spoke again. 
 
“You know how clothing and accessories always have the little slip of paper in a pocket or tucked inside somewhere?  The one saying who inspected or packed whatever it is?”  Nods all around.  He grabbed one of the note pads that are always on the conference table, took his pen from his pocket, wrote, and shoved the pad across the table to me.  I laughed until I cried.
 
 
MAXIMUS
We stood in the arrivals terminal awaiting the arrival of Jack Aubrey and his midshipmen from Annapolis.  Jack had revised his plans and waited to come in with his young charges, not being entirely comfortable with their collective ability to behave appropriately were they unescorted.  The plane had landed ten minutes earlier, and the first passengers were making their way into the terminal.  Cassandra was standing on her toes, looking for Jack; it was apparent the moment she saw him.  Breaking away from me, she raced toward the revolving door leading to the baggage carousel, flinging herself into his arms as he lifted her off her feet and swung her round in joy.
 
“Jack!  It’s wonderful to see you again …how was the flight?”
 
“Reagan, dear lady, you are a vision of all things fair in women.  The flight was tedious but more than worth it to have you greet me thus.”  I managed not to shake my head at his effusiveness.  I have learnt it is part and parcel of his nature, as is my own inclination toward reserve.  He put her on her feet, and they walked toward me, followed by five very young men who appeared ill at ease.  He extended his hand, and I met it with my own before being pulled into his embrace and subjected myself to his hearty thumping on my back.
 
“Max!  How fare you, Brother?  Ready for the happy day?  And for the glorious night that is to follow?”  I breathed a sigh of relief; Jack heeded my warning to call me Max, rather then my true name, when in the presence of those outside our small, safe circle.  Cassandra flushed at his last question and looked at her feet.  “I have lost my manners.  Please, permit me to introduce my charges and your remaining groomsmen.”  He introduced them in turn, and I asked if any had check-through baggage.  They were carrying their garment bags with their tuxedos; their clothing for the remainder of the week was in their cases in the cargo hold.  We made for the car park and the van I had rented for use this week.  Cassandra sat with me in the front, turning so that she could address Jack where he sat behind me with one of his young men, the others being in the seating area in the back of the van.  Aside from their comments on being introduced to us, none of them had spoken a word; their deportment was exemplary, speaking only when first addressed by a superior.  Cassandra reached back to pat Jack's hand as she spoke.
 
“Are you hungry?  Did they feed you on the plane?  We’ll take you to the hotel so you can drop your bags, then go on to the house for a while before leaving for dinner.  I can’t believe you’re actually here, Jack.  It’s wonderful to see you again!”  If she told him once more how wonderful it was to see him, I would cover her mouth with my hand, though I doubt that would curb her enthusiasm.  I gave myself a mental shake; he is her friend, as he is mine.  She was being the gracious hostess; I should be proud of her efforts to make Jack and his young charges feel at home.  I confess I do not understand why the presence of Jack Aubrey brings what little jealousy I harbour to the fore.  Perhaps it is his attentiveness to my Cara that gives me pause.
 
“I am always hungry, dear Lady, and though light comestibles were offered on the flight, I am looking forward to dinner.”  The midshipmen continued their silence as the three of us chatted the rest of the way to the hotel.  We had arranged a private room for Jack; the midshipmen would be sharing quarters.  I tipped the bellman who would show the midshipmen to their rooms, and Cassandra and I accompanied Jack to his accommodation.  He was delighted with the room, and I was pleased to find him so.  Jack is a good man and life has not always served him kindly; he deserves the best that I – or any man – might afford him.
 
Ted Ackerman had advised he would make his own way to the hotel on arriving.  He is accustomed to frequent travel and required no hand-holding as might others.  The flight on which Jeff Wigand and East Driscoll were travelling was due several hours following Jack’s arrival.  Terry and Diana had offered to collect them at the airport and transport them to the hotel.  They would join Cassandra, Jack, and me for dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse at eight in the evening; the midshipmen had declined our offer to join us, clearly wishing to seek other pleasures.  Jack sent them off with a stern warning to behave in accordance with their status as officers-in-training at the Naval Academy.  I suspect the possibility of a repeat of Operation Tail Hook weighed heavily on his mind, though his words on their parting should serve to remove any such thoughts from their impressionable minds.  I learnt the following morning that they had taken their dinner at a local pizza establishment and returned to their rooms at the hotel, spending the evening in each others’ company.
 
*
 
Those of us taking our dinner together met at the restaurant where I had arranged a small private dining room for the evening.  Once seated and the champagne I had requested was poured, I stood and looked round the table.  This was the first time in either life I had been at table surrounded only by those wishing me - and my future wife - well.  My first marriage had been arranged; aside from prayers for the bride's fecundity, well-wishing was not a factor.  On my successive promotions in the Army and the accompanying celebratory meals, I was always mindful there were those in attendance who would gladly have slit my throat had they believed they could do so with impunity.  This night was different, and I felt the sharp sting of tears in my eyes as I looked round the table at each face, my gaze coming finally to rest on Cassandra, my Cara.  There would be celebratory dinners the two nights following this one, and they would surely be pleasant; however, this would be the one that would stand in my memory, the night that we welcomed our friends from afar to Dallas.
 
“I thank each of you for being here this night, particularly those of you who have travelled so far from your homes to join Reagan and me.  I am not an eloquent man and doubt I ever shall be …but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.”  I sat as Jack stood and raised his glass.
 
“To the happy couple …huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!”  I was with friends and my future wife.  I did not believe at that moment that life could be happier.
 
 
HUCKS’ Night (Hens-Bucks Night) at the Adolphus Hotel
 
SOOZE
We’d given Max and Reags the gag gift and, once we were able to control our laughter, went downstairs to the private dining room for what Terry and Dee had designated as the ‘Hucks’ Night’ party.  Apparently, they couldn’t decide on themes for what Australians call Hens’ and Bucks’ Night parties so they’d combined them.  It was quite a group.  Terry and Dee, Max and Reags, Dino, Jack Aubrey and the five mids, Wigand and East Driscoll, Ted Ackerman, Melody, Dolores, and me.  Seventeen people at three six-top tables made nice conversation groups, and you could easily move around to visit.  Dino, Dolores, and I were at the table with two of the mids.  I’d arranged for Dolores to sit between Dino and one of the mids.  She’s 14 now and needs to learn how to interact with boys closer to her own age.  The mids were 18 and 19, and while they were a little old for her, they were more age appropriate than Terry Thorne. 
 
I’d had the talk with Dolores about how to behave at a relatively formal adult function.  We’d had several formal dinners at home with Sarah and me working on manners and place settings.  We’d also taken her to dinner several times at upscale restaurants to give her a feel for what she’d be facing as a young woman, dating boys I sincerely prayed would treat her like a lady.  This morning, she’d had a moment of panic.
 
“What if I use the wrong fork, Mom?” 
 
“Just watch me and Uncle Dino.  We both know what we’re doing.  You’ll be fine.  If you have a question, ask Uncle Dino rather than me, because you’ll be sitting next to him tonight.”  My last comment before I left for the office had probably set the tone for the evening.
 
“Honey, I know you want to do everything right tonight, and I know you will.  You’ll make me proud of you, and Uncle Max and Auntie Reags and Terry and Dee will get a chance to see you shine.”  I kissed her as I left, and she smiled, waving until I rounded the corner.
 
 
JACK AUBREY
Salmon, beef, or chicken.  Poached salmon in dill sauce, Beef Wellington, and Chicken Marsala …it had not been a difficult choice when deciding on my dinner this night.  In all my years at sea, I had more than eaten my fill of fish and chicken, as the first was always available and the latter portable.  There was always a bullock or two in the hold on departure from port, but they were eaten within two months.  Any consumption of beef for the remainder of a voyage was restricted to salted beef.  I had decided on the Beef Wellington, having been assured by Diana Walker that the chef would prepare it as rare as I might wish.  I was looking forward to a piece of blood-red beef on my platter at dinner.
 
Prior to coming to the room reserved for this night’s dinner, I had taken myself to Terry and Diana’s room for presentation of the required gift to the bride and groom.  I had been warned by Terry that the gift was one of a comic nature, and I wondered what it might be.  I had not long to wait before my curiosity was satisfied.  In my time, all gifts for a wedding couple were of a useful nature; so-called comic gifts for marriage were unknown to me.  The adults were assembled, young Dolores and my midshipmen having been excluded from this early gathering, and Diana presented the gift box to the happy couple.  She spoke as Maximus took the parcel from her hands.
 
“We considered getting you individual gifts but decided one that would work for both of you was better.  Besides, Sooze and I have gone to so many of Reags’ damned showers that we’re sick of buying presents, and there’s not a damned thing she needs anyway.  We don’t remember for sure whose idea this was, but the name ‘Terry’ keeps popping into my head.  We knew it was absolutely right for the two of you the moment we saw it.”  At the mention of a joint gift, a somewhat guarded look came over Maximus’ face.  I confess that I shared his reserve as to the contents of the package.  I returned my attention to Diana as she spoke again.
 
“Perhaps you two should sit down to open it.”  They complied, and Maximus reached into his pocket for his pocket knife and slit the wrapping, removing it, then cut the tape holding the parcel closed.  He pulled back the tissue and stopped, looking at the contents.  Reagan peered into the box; I could see bright purple straps of some sort but was ignorant of what it might be.  Maximus face went from curious to horrified and finally to laughter.  Reagan picked up the gift card from on top of the present and read it. 
 
PackedbyDodie
She looked at the card and turned to Diana, raising her eyebrow.  Mr. Ackerman leant forward and pulled the object from the box, holding it above his head and permitting the various straps and bindings to fall toward the floor.  He was shaking with laughter, and Terry moved to arrange the straps.  Reagan looked at Terry.
 
“Terry, what the Hell is this supposed to be?”  Maximus had begun to laugh, as had Dino, and Terry spoke.
 
“Diana, do I have the straps in the right places?” 
 
She managed to speak through her laughter.  “Terry, shut up!”  Reagan took the gift enclosure note from Maximus’ hand and turned it over. 
 
Dino spoke again.  “They’re no instructions, but the URL’s there for reference …go directly to picture four …maybe it was five.  If you’ve got any questions, Dee and Tio can show you how it works!”  As she looked again at the note in her hands, Reagan’s mouth flew open; she began to laugh, then clapt one hand over her mouth in an effort to still her outburst.
 
“Oh, my GOD!  This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” 
 
The ‘thing’ – whatever it might be - bore some resemblance to a bosun’s chair.  I have no notion as to why this might be considered an appropriate gift for the happy couple as they have no vessel.  Perhaps before this night is done someone will advise me as to the nature of the device.  On being told later by Dino the purpose of the device, I shouted with laughter.

SexSwing
 
 
*
 
We met young Miss Dolores – Mistress Sooze’s charming daughter – after Dino collected her from the hotel room occupied by her and her mother.  We met my midshipmen in the private dining room.  The mids snapped to attention along the wall as we entered the room, having been talking idly amongst themselves until they heard us approaching.  I was proud of their appearance; though casually attired, the creases were sharp in their trousers and shirts, and their shoes smartly shined.  Maximus had been kind enough to pay the rental for their tuxedos for the wedding, as I knew two of the five - though imminently suitable for the task at hand - lacked sufficient family income to have rented their own. 
 
We assembled, and Diana indicated the table at which each of us would sit.  I noted two of the young gentlemen – Midshipmen Noah Cabot and Jeremy Singleton – were assigned to the table occupied by Mistress Sooze, Miss Dolores, and Dino.  I would keep a weather eye on their behaviour with regard to the young lady.  Whilst both had been schooled in proper decorum and were of good families, I am quite aware that young men are - by their very nature - inclined to be randy on occasion.  I had advised my young charges to treat the young lady with the respect they would wish accorded their sisters; I assumed they had sisters.
 
Having located our tables, Terry directed us to the bar.  We helped ourselves to libations – Miss Dolores and my mids were underage and confined themselves to non-alcoholic beverages – and chatted until the waiters appeared with hors d’oeuvres.  We sat to table and began our meal. 
 
 
Eight-forty-five that same evening …and the party really began
 
NARRATOR
Terry and Diana stood as dessert was delivered.  Terry called the room to order and began.  “Ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to Hucks’ night.  Diana and I are delighted to have you join us in the first of several celebrations over the next few days.  I know the mids have schedules through Sunday; you have Diana to thank or da ... condemn for that.  Be assured there will be changes; Diana has each of your room numbers and will be slipping the revised daily schedules under your doors before you wake each morning.  Your lives belong to her for the next few days.  You do not want her on your ar ... backside if you aren’t where you’re supposed to be when you’re supposed to be there.  She’ll make Hell Week seem like a stroll in the park.”
 
Diana took over from him.  “You may be wondering what a Hucks’ Night is.  Since responsibility for the bachelor and bachelorette parties goes to the Best Man and the Honour Attendant, Terry and I battled over Project to do the planning.”  Terry stepped behind Diana, extending his arms around her to ‘air type.’ 
 
“Hoots and catcalls are appropriate here.” Terry encouraged the crowd.
 
“Did you have to buy another new computer chair?” from Dino.
 
Diana ignored his comment and continued.  “As we were getting nowhere at warp speed, we decided,” Terry pointed at Diana mouthing the words, ‘She decided,’ “we should combine the two with a get-to-know-you session.”
 
Terry took over.  “In Oz, the bachelor and bachelorette parties are called Bucks’ Night and Hens’ Night.  Diana started calling the combined parties Hucks’ Night, and it stuck.”  They moved apart and pulled out props – cell phones.

Terry mimicked dialling.  “Hi.  What are you lot doing?”

 

Diana answered.  “We've trashed you, Max, and Dino.  We don't know the others well enough to trash them.  Has the cake exploded yet?”

 

“Yes.”  Exaggerated sigh.

 

“Are you as bored as we are?”

 

“Depends on whether you’ve pulled out your nail files and are trimming your nails.”

 

Diana covers her phone and calls to Reags across the room.  “We're going to the drug store.  We need nail files.”

 

Diana uncovers the phone.  “You gave me what I needed to spice up this party.”
 
They groaned as the older members of the party laughed and applauded in recognition; the mids seemed disappointed, and Dolores was clearly confused as Terry spoke again.
 
“Rather than have that scenario come to pass, we give you Hucks’ Night.  If you have a burning question about the opposite sex, this is the night to ask it; no question is off limits.  Everyone present is hereby sworn to honesty; the Honour Code applies.  There’s only one stipulation …one question gets one answer …unless you ask Reags or Diana.  With Reags you’ll get one answer, but it may take all night ...remember that she's a professor, and accustomed to explaining everything in excruciating detail; we only have the room booked until 0100 hours.  If you ask Diana, she’ll have five answers.  You may only hear one or two out loud because she’ll have talked herself out of three or four of them.”
 
“To begin, we want you to get to know each other a bit.  This will assist you in identifying the bride.”  Diana pulled out an approximation of a bridal veil from a bag under the table and dropped it on Reagan’s head.  Reagan had apparently anticipated this, and she produced an equally hideous bunch of flowers and promptly pinned it to Dee's blouse.  That was too much of an opening for Dino to let pass without comment.
 
“We might get lucky and see this devolve to an all-girl wrestling match later.  Who volunteers to get the oil?” 
 
Jack Aubrey laughed.  “I claim the honour.”  Those comments were soto voice in deference to the presence of young Dolores.
 
Ted Ackerman added to the predominantly male dirty laughter.  “Normally the fight between the bride and the maid of honour doesn't happen until the reception.” 
 
Terry elicited more laughter by dropping a fake top hat on Max’s head.  “To identify the groom.”  Not to be outdone by Reagan’s tatty corsage for Diana, Max pulled a t-shirt from his pocket and surprised Terry by tugging it over his head, leaving his arms captured inside.  It was a tuxedo t-shirt, complete with a glitter-speckled bow tie.  Everyone laughed – at the hosts as well as the bride and groom - and Diana gave the orders.
 
“Now go mingle and find out something about the rest of the bridal party.  Names at the very least; on Saturday, I don't want to ask 'Where's Noah?' and get a blank look because you don't know who Noah is.”  She had a laugh in her voice when she spoke, but Terry was likely only half-joking in his comment.
 
“Don't let her fool you.  Her bite is much worse than her bark.” 
 
 
DIANA
Everyone sat, and I leaned over to Terry.  “That part about questions and everyone being sworn to tell the truth …that wasn’t in what we rehearsed.  Why did you go off script?”
 
“I truly don’t want to bear the responsibility for your being tossed out of the secret women’s union, but tell me about the Arrow.”
 
“That’s not a question.”  His devious little mind has been holding on to this since that comment in Cairo, and I’m going to make him work for it.  “What?  Were you going to ask one of the strippers at the Bucks’ Night to give you that answer?”
 
“All right …I didn’t realise we were playing Jeopardy, and it had to be in the form of a proper question.  Okay, ‘What is the Arrow?’ ”  I raised my hands, mimicking a bow being drawn to fire an arrow. 
 
“That’s not what I was talking about, and you know it.  What is it?”
 
“Take off your coat.”  He was doing it, but that was probably as much to signal the other men it was time to relax as anything else. 
 
“Why?”
 
“Because you have to take off your coat before you take off your shirt.”  That got me a look.
 
“Diana, stop.  Dolores is in the room.”  Back to planning around a child.  I moved so that my body was between him and ‘the child’ and ran my finger under the placket of his shirt, then down just under his belt and down a bit further.  The dawning comprehension in his eyes would have been apparent to a blind person as his hand moved over mine, trying to pull it away.
 
“Okay, I’ve got it.”  I pushed my finger down his pants far enough that I’d hit the top of said arrow and felt his anticipated response. 
 
“The arrow, Terry …it points to the good bits.”  His hand pulled mine away and put it in my lap as I grinned at him.  Reags leaned around me before Terry could say another word.  I’m not sure he could have spoken at that point anyway; he was trying too hard not to laugh.
 
“Hey!  You two said mingle, and you’re sitting here playing grab-ass …go mingle!”  I looked at Terry.
 
“Are you in any condition to mingle right now?  Never mind …I’ll send one of the mids over to ‘mingle’ with you for a while.”
 
 
EAST
Unlike the parties I'm used to in Virginia, this was mostly men with a few female touches thrown in for good measure.  The hunt and dressage set back on the east coast were mainly girly affairs.  I felt like the fox dodging the hounds at most of them. 
 
My barn, if I could call it that, is doing quite well.  Renee Beckline owns the land and the buildings; I couldn’t have afforded to set up shop that close to DC without her.  The horses belong to the wives of the new money crowd or power brokers inside the Beltway.  I ride the high priced Thoroughbreds to keep them in shape and safe for the hunting season when my clients are too busy to condition them.  I ride, train, and show Renee's three dressage prospects as well as my own two.  It's enough to keep me and three stable hands busy and out of trouble.
 
I've learned a lot about social graces since moving to Hunt Country.  I've learnt to make small talk.  Today I’d have answers for that bastard of a husband Grace had.  I'm no longer a big fish in a small pond; I'm swimming with sharks, and that's only my boarders, not their husbands.
 
Whilst the others were up and moving around, getting to know each other, I sat back and nursed my beer.  It felt pretty good to be back with a group of blokes again.   It was even better to hear another Aussie accent. 
 
Diana Walker, my hostess, slid into the seat beside me.  “Why so glum, East?  Worried about one of the horses?”
 
“No, they're in good hands.  It's been so long since I've been off the property, I really don't know how to act.  I guess you know I'm not the most polished man in the room.”
 
She patted my arm and smiled.  “Aw, you've been off the property but not without the horses.  You guys did well last year down on the Florida circuit and at Devon.”
 
“You checked the results?”
 
“We may be far removed from the hot competitions, but the Net is a wonderful thing for knowing what’s going on.  We have a thriving eventing community though our season finally got shifted from the traditional months; it's way too hot here to run horse shows from late May to about the middle of September.”
 
“Eventing, you say?  Fair Hill, Loudon Hunt, Middleburg?  I work all of those.”
 
She motioned to the young girl sitting at the next table to join us.  “Dolores Robertson, I'd like to introduce East Driscoll.”
 
Dolores looked at me like I was a rock star or maybe a film star.  “I'm so glad to meet you.  Diana showed me your ride at Devon.  You're wonderful.  Your shoulder in was …perfect.”
 
“Do you ride?”  I finally felt like I wasn’t a piece of meat or a country bumpkin.  This was something I knew and could talk about with a pretty little girl.  Well, she isn’t that little.
 
“Not yet.  Dee is going to teach me.  We were supposed to start last summer, but that got a little busy what with Uncle Terry getting hurt and then planning for the wedding.”
 
“East, if you can find an entry level schoolmaster or two at reasonable prices, let me know.  I'm sure your contacts are far better than mine.  Dolores will need a suitable mount in the near future.  Terry's also indicated an interest in having his own mount.”  Diana patted my shoulder as she moved away from us.
 
I turned back to Dolores.  “You know a lot about riding for someone who doesn't ride.”
 
“Dee gave me all these books and DVDs.  I think she felt bad about not being able to start me this summer, but she takes me to a lot of shows.  Tell me about Devon and Virginia and hunting ….”     
 
 
JACK AUBREY
The waiters appeared with champagne bottles and flutes, passing them round to everyone, even those underage.  Glasses were filled for the adults, and just enough for a toast was poured into the glasses given the midshipmen and Dolores.  Terry stood and raised his glass, as we rose with him.  He held up his glass to Max and Reagan.
 
“Some people appear suited to marriage, others don’t.  Some seem suited for marriage but not necessarily to the one they’ve married.  I’m not an expert, but from all appearances, I’d say Max and Reagan are more suited to each other than any couple I’ve ever had the pleasure to know.  Join me in toasting to their happiness and health.  Reagan, Max, congratulations, from the bottom of my heart.”  Cheers erupted from round the room, and glasses were drained.  On placing their glasses on the table, Sooze leant over to speak in Dolores’ ear.  The child frowned a bit but gave in to her mother as I nodded to my midshipmen.  I had instructed them to depart with Miss Dolores so as not to make her feel conspicuous, advising they might return later.  They filed out of the room, stopping along the way to say goodnight to their hosts and the soon-to-be-married couple in the event they did not return.  Mistress Sooze and Miss Dolores departed after the child said her goodnights to all, and her mother followed her from the room.  The child was off to bed; her lovely mother would return to the party, and the adult portion of the evening’s activities would begin.  More champagne was poured, and Terry raised his glass again.
 
“Here's to Hucks’ Night. This will be short and sweet.  The big one comes Saturday.”
 
Diana could not resist the opportunity to have a bit of fun at Terry’s expense.  “God, I hope not.  Oh, you were talking about toasts.  Sorry for the interruption.” 
 
Terry giggled and spoke again.  “Hucks’ night …it’s a learning experience.  It’s the night we go out and have fun and the next morning, learn to pretend we didn't!”  We laughed heartily, and Diana stood, raising her glass as she spoke.  
 
“When God made women he made them out of lace.  He didn't have enough, so He left a little space …and Max is eternally grateful that the space is small.  When God made man He made them out of string.  He had a little left over so He left a little thing …if you can call eight inches little.  Hey, that’s what Max told me, and I believe him!  Here’s to STRING!” 
 
The laughter was in earnest now, and Mistress Sooze, who had returned moments earlier, raised her glass.  “And to leading them around by it!” 
 
Dino stood; I must remember later to ask if he would explain his comments to me.  “Reags, our first meeting was auspicious.  As I recall, you had my nuts in the palm of your hand within five minutes.  Thank God for Levi Strauss.  To Levi!”  He waited a moment for the laughter to subside and continued.  “In time, I came - no, it really does take more than that - to see you as a raucous drinking companion, an easy touch when it comes to party planning, a dating bureau - even though I thought it was me you were setting up with Dee - an exceptional bail bondsman, and a fellow Irishman.  I've even offered on several occasions to marry you. Obviously, your heart lay elsewhere ….” 
 
Terry laughed and looked first at Dino, then Max, and finally at Reagan.  “I offered to marry her, too.  Reags, have you been three timing us?”  From the smile on Max’s face, the answer to that was a resounding ‘no.’ 
 
Dino finished his toast.  “You still have a chance to see the error of your ways, Honey, but if you won’t, I love you anyway.  To Reags.”  So far, Max had escaped everyone’s jibes, but now Dino turned to him.
 
”Max, Buddy, that auspicious beginning I had with your lady pales in comparison to mine with you.”  He looked round the room.  “The night I met Max, he got Terry and me drunk in his hotel room and dumped us into the same bed; he slept in the chair.  Fuck …we had to give him a job because we figured he had pictures!”  By now the laughter was ongoing, so he did not wait for it to die.  Mistress Sooze affected a puzzled mien as she spoke.
 
“I’ve always wondered how his name got on the door!”
 
“In all seriousness, Max, Tio and I couldn’t ask for a better friend or partner.  You’ve more than carried your weight – not to mention covering Terry’s sorry ass – since the day you walked in the door.  I’m honoured to call you a friend.  All the best, Buddy.”  Max and Reagan smiled, and Max rose to his feet after refilling his glass.
 
“I am unaccustomed to making speeches of a light-hearted nature … fighting tigers in Rome’s arena would likely be less chilling.  Terry …if you will recall, I had nothing to ‘fear’ in remembering the night you and Dino spent in my hotel room.  I was not inebriated.”  That elicited shouts of laughter.  “Diana …string is not an appropriate comparison, though it appears your depth perception is improving.”  Diana, Reagan, Sooze, and Melody were wiping tears from their eyes, as Melody leant in to whisper to Sooze – the latter a lovely lady I would have as a friend and more, if she will permit it.  I confess I have long had a fondness for ladies of Spanish descent.
 
“Ummm …did Reagan name his ‘string,’ Maximus, after the guy in the movie?”  Sooze’s response was lost in choked laughter.  Max continued his responses to those who had spoken thus far. 
 
“Dino …if you value your life, stop making advances to my fiancée!”  Dino recoiled in mock horror, holding his glass up in surrender as Max turned more sombre.  “All jesting aside, permit me to say that I am grateful to see all of you here.  Your friendship and your love – and the love of this lady (he extended his hand to Reagan) – have made this life worth the living.” He sat and looked at Ackerman.
 
Ted Ackerman stood, hands in his pockets, and looked at Reagan.  “Reags, Honey, when you called me at midnight in February of last year, I knew something was up …I just wasn’t sure at the time who the Hell he was.  I’ve known Reags for years – worked in the trenches with her - and had even offered to check out a couple of guys she dated, but she’d never taken me up on it.  This time, she did the asking.  Seems she’d met this guy in the produce section of the supermarket, and he set all her antennae waving.  I checked him out and told her from what I could find, he was clean.  I knew she was serious about him long before she did.  Little did I know just what her version of ‘serious’ entailed.  So, here’s to both of you, a long and happy life, filled with everything that you want and need.  I know you’ll have it all.”
 
Ted sat, and Reagan stood.
 
“I’m like Max …I can make speeches, but lecture is my forte …Dee, don’t you say a word!”
 
“I won’t as long as you promise this isn’t going to be a lecture.”  Reagan laughed, singing her reply to a melody that my recently returned midshipmen seemed to recognise.
 
“It’s my party, and I’ll lecture if I want to!” 
 
Dee could not permit that to pass without comment.  “You’re telling your age, Reags!”
 
“So are you, but we can both plead the fact that the song was reissued about five years ago.” 
 
Wigand leant in to speak softly into my ear.  “You might want to go get the oil.  I think we’re getting closer to the wrestling match!”  I laughed heartily as Wigand chuckled.  Reagan continued as though she’d not been interrupted.
 
“Terry, I don’t recall you ever asking me to marry you.  If memory serves, you were more interested in getting out of Max’s flat that afternoon before he decapitated you than hanging about panting after me.  And Dino, you’re lucky to still be in possession of your balls …but you are a great drinking buddy and a treasured friend.”  Terry laughed.
 
“Hey, Love, unfortunately, you weren’t present when I said I’d marry you.  That happened the night Max and I put your ring in the office safe.  I told him if he got himself killed before giving you the ring on Saturday, I’d marry you!”  That brought shouts of laughter.  Now Reagan took a more serious bent.
 
“All joking aside, I do want to say a few things to everyone involved in making the preparations for our wedding as painless as possible.  Dee …you’re the best friend I could ever hope to have.  You were there when I met Max, and you were there for me when he walked away.  You kept me going when I didn’t think I could get through another day without him.  When I told you Max and I were getting married, you actually volunteered to help in any way you could.  Knowing your feelings on the insanity that weddings are told me how dear a friend you are.
 
“Ted.  From the day I met you, I knew we had something special.  I was new at the Bureau, and Ted was the old soldier.  He was the lead investigator on my cases, and if I hadn’t had him on my six on a couple of occasions, I probably wouldn’t be here tonight.  When Max was finally able to talk me into a formal wedding, there was only one man I wanted to walk me down the aisle.  Ted isn’t a father figure, but until Max came along, he was the only man in my life I’d ever known that I could always depend on, no matter what the situation.  If someone is going to ‘give’ me to Max, it has to be you.
 
“Melody …three years ago you came to my office shortly after entering our graduate program and asked if I would be your thesis chair.  I was flattered, as I knew you to be an exceptionally gifted student; I never dreamt we’d become close as friends.  I’m so glad we did, and thank you for honouring me by serving as one of my attendants.
 
“Sooze, I can’t thank Dolores tonight, but I can thank you.  For all you’ve done as my friend, for permitting Dolores to be in the wedding …most of all, for your support when Max was held captive.  Your pragmatism, your unflagging confidence in assuring me that he would come home to me …to all of us, meant more than I can ever tell you.  You’re a wonderful woman, and if Max and I ever have a daughter, I hope we can do half as good a job with her as you have Dolores.
 
“Jack …wonderful, loving Jack.  Of all our male friends, I suspect you’re the only one Max has ever thought might be able to woo me away from him.  You and I both know you can’t, but it’s kept Max on his toes.”  That got chuckles from the assemblage and raised eyebrows from Max, as I returned her smile.  Was he truly suspicious of a possible relationship between me and his lady?  How very delightful!
 
“Jeff.  We’ve not had an opportunity to chat, but I hope we can remedy that in the days and years to come.  I spent part of my childhood in Kentucky, and your being there gives me a reason to visit the Bluegrass State again.  Though our academic interests are different, I suspect we’d have fun discussing chaos, thread, and string theories!”  Wigand nodded, smiling as he did.  She turned finally to East Driscoll.
 
“East, thank you so much for making room in your schedule to serve as one of Max’s groomsmen.  I know he considers you a friend and values your opinion of horses as highly as his own and Dee’s.  That makes you special, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you.”  She stopped speaking and looked round the room.
 
“Okay, I promised this wouldn’t be a lecture – though I’m sure Dee considers it such – so I’ll shut up and sit down.  But to all of you, thanks so much for being here tonight and sharing this time with Max and me.”  Diana had a parting shot, as I feel Reagan had known she would.
 
“It was three minutes short of a lecture …and you can tell who the speech maker’s going to be in that household!” 
 
The midshipmen had begun filtering back into the room during Max’s statements.  They had missed the more salacious of the various original comments but heard enough to get the flavour of the evening in Max's response.  One of them – Jeremy Singleton - looked at me, and I nodded as the he stood.
 
“I’ve been appointed by the Mids, as we have been affectionately named – at least I hope it’s with affection – to give our toasts.  First to Major Thorne and Ms. Walker …Dee/Diana, whatever your name is.”  That elicited laughter from everyone in the room.  “We thank you for expanding our education regarding Hucks’ night.  We've taken a poll, however, and NONE of us will be having a Hucks’ night.  Although Major Thorne and Ms. Walker have given us the idea that the planning sessions between the Best Man and Maid of Honor sound like a damned good idea, we somehow think our own brides – if we’re ever lucky enough to get married – will want to have the girl-party without us in attendance.”  He turned to me, nodding before continuing.  “To Captain Aubrey.  Thank you for having confidence in our collective ability to acquit ourselves well in this formal a setting and serve those dear to you.  But, Sir, the threat of strapping any one of us who steps out of line to one of the 16-inch tubes as a silencer wasn't really necessary.  We were grateful to get out of classes for three days.”  I laughed heartily, though the actual warning had been an opportunity to kiss the gunner’s daughter.  “Finally, to Dr. Kavanagh and Colonel Espan - Reagan and Max, if I may be that familiar – thank you for having us, and I promise that we’ll make you – as well as Captain Aubrey and the Academy – proud.”
 
 
MAXIMUS
Having made the rounds and spoken with each of our various guests for at least a short time, I made my way to Diana.  There was a question that had been weighing on my mind for some time and which I had never asked her.  She had left the room for a few moments and only just returned.  I caught her as she sat at the table and sank into the chair beside her.
 
“Diana, I have a question for you, one that may be of a more serious nature than what Terry envisioned when he established the parameters for this night.”  She looked at me, surprise on her face.
 
“Okay.  What do you want to know, Max?”
 
“Why do you no longer call me Maximus?”
 
“That’s easy.  I almost called you Maximus in front of someone else – someone outside our small but rapidly growing group – and that could have been a disaster.  I’ve simply trained myself to think of you only as ‘Max’ now.  It doesn’t mean that I have any less respect or regard for you, I’m just trying to be cautious.”
 
“Respect and regard …those are words of distance.  Perhaps our friendship is not as warm as I had thought.  Have I done something that offended you?”
 
“Good Lord, no!  Why would you think that?”
 
“I thought we were well past respect and regard.  Diana, I have come to love you as I did my younger sister.  My affection for you is considerably deeper than respect and regard, though both these terms apply as well to my feelings for you.”  It was unlike me to speak so plainly; however, I had imbibed considerably more than was my usual habit, and my tongue was loose.  Had I not had so much to drink, I would never have initiated this conversation.  She looked at me for a moment before speaking.
 
“When we were in Cairo, you gave me two progressively stronger sexual innuendos.  The first was a reference to Terry’s staying power, and the second - veiled though it was - referred to your own size.  Those occasions were such a departure from what I’d come to expect from you, that I wasn’t sure where you were going with them …or if you were going anywhere.  Given that Terry has such a crush on your future wife, and as we've had a bit of a rocky road ourselves recently, I didn’t want anyone getting the idea that this was a tit-for-tat.  That didn’t come out right …give me a minute here.
 
“Max, one thing Terry and I talked about a few weeks back was that we both need to be very sure we clarify what we mean because others can’t get into our heads and know.  For me, that’s resulted in sort of a verbal diarrhea – VD for short – in order to make sure my meaning gets across.  You’re just gonna have to bear with me here.”  I was beginning to regret having asked my question …whatever it was, and at this point I was no longer sure.  However, it was I who initiated this conversation, and I sat back and waited for her to continue.
 
“Max, I wasn’t sure if you were hitting on me and trying to make an end-run on Terry or what.  I’m not that good at games OR relationships, and it’s entirely possible – no, it’s entirely probable – that I misinterpreted what you said.”  I was appalled, not at her words, but that my behaviour had been so unseemly as to give her reason to doubt my feelings and intentions toward her, not to mention my promise to Cassandra.  Not wishing to cause her further discomfort by my continued presence, I stood to take my leave.
 
“Diana, I apologise most sincerely for having offended you.  I shall trouble you no further.”  She grabbed my arm as I stood, pulling me back into the chair beside her. 
 
“Sit down, Max.  I’m not done yet.  It’s this VD thing!”  I sat, resigned to my fate.  “Where were you headed with those two comments?”  Where indeed?  I had no notion, aside from the fact that I am constantly reminded by both Terry and Dino that I can be insufferably formal.  Perhaps that answer would suffice.
 
“I was trying to get the stick out of my arse.  I was practising on you, in an effort to accommodate my speech patterns to this century, rather than the second.  I am unaccustomed to sexual innuendos when speaking with women.  I hear the comments between Cassandra and Terry, between Dino and Cassandra, between you and Dino, and you and Terry.  I was simply trying to join the spirit of the conversations, and I have failed miserably.  Worse, I have offended you.”
 
“Max, you didn’t offend me …you scared me!  I thought you were getting back at Terry for his infatuation with Reags.”  That was the second time she had alluded to an improper relationship between Terry and Cassandra.  I had to learn of what she was speaking.  Dino chose that moment to walk past, stop and listen, then squatted between us, his arms resting on the backs of our chairs, and commenting.
 
“Infatuation?  What infatuation?  The whole WORLD knows Terry has the hots for Reags, not that it would ever do him any good, even if he was serious about it.  Max, you don’t just have a stick up your arse, you’ve got your head up there, too!”  Diana set him straight.
 
“Dino, you’re not part of this conversation.  Go away!”  I considered Dino’s words as he laughed and walked away.
 
“You have twice alluded to a relationship between Cassandra and Terry …even Dino seems aware of it.  Of course, I know of Terry’s admiration for Cassandra.  I also know of his love and admiration for you.  Diana, I know each occasion on which Terry has spoken with you during the work day as his entire visage brightens.  His love and admiration for you know no bounds.  In his eyes you can do no wrong.  In fact, at times his extolling of your virtues becomes quite insufferable.”  I took a deep breath and asked the question now weighing on my mind.  “To what are you referring with regard to an inappropriate relationship between Terry and Cassandra?” 
 
“Max, it’s nothing sexual.  My concern is the possibility of an inappropriate emotional intimacy.  I don’t think it’s there, but I was worried for a while …it’s just that in Terry’s eyes, Reags can do no wrong.  I just wish to God that one time she’d fall flat on her face in front of him …just not THIS weekend.  And if that jinxes the honeymoon, I apologise now.”  I knew of what she spoke.  Cassandra can be quite vocal and pedagogical; I could already feel sympathy for any children we might have, as their mother would never permit a simple correction of their behaviour to suffice.  They will be subjected to a complete explanation of any and all ramifications of the instant behaviour, as well as consequences for repeating it.
 
“Diana, in my first life, I was much the same as Cassandra, though that is not graphically depicted in my film.  Anyone familiar with rapid promotions through the ranks in the military would be aware that I extolled my virtues – Caesar’s favour not withstanding – and explained them as does Cassandra.  It is no longer necessary for me to do so, as my life is an open book, and no one need ask.  She is asked, and on those occasions, she answers fully …sometimes in more depth than is absolutely necessary, but that is part of who she is.  As her dearest friend you know that.”  I smiled as I thought to her use of the word jinx. 
 
“So …if Cassandra is not with child when we return from our wedding trip, I have you to blame?”
 
“Max, no, I won’t accept the blame if she’s not pregnant when you get back from your honeymoon unless I go with you and coach!”  I laughed.
 
“Trust me, Diana …I require no instruction.”
 
“Oh, fuck, you and Reags and that ‘trust me’ crap again!  I’m trying to give you practice on lines, and you can’t respond …you can only do them cold?”
 
“I assure you, Diana, it is never cold.  What must I do to prove it to you?” 
 
 
 
To be Continued
 
 
 
NOTES
 
Operation Tail Hook A 1991 US Naval scandal in which male Naval officers were accused of sexual harassment of female officers.  The incident occurred in Las Vegas, and cost several high ranking officers their commissions.
Schoolmaster A highly trained, older horse, much like a school horse, who can help a beginning rider learn.  A schoolmaster is privately owned and ridden by his owner.  A school horse is owned by a riding school and has many different riders.  A schoolmaster doesn’t have to be as patient as a school horse because the shoolmaster only has a single rider. 
16-inch tubes US Navy New Jersey class battleships carry nine, 16-inch guns …imagine looking down the bore of that!
 

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