A Serious Chat with an Old Friend

by

This work of adult fiction, loosely based on characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and experiences; you have been warned. No copyright infringement on the original work is intended.  Copyright Diana Walker 2005

Authors’ Note: Thanks to Annsmac for the use of her quote from her story, “Joe Friday on a Monday,” which can be found here. Diana

TERRY

“I must admit this has been one exciting week.” It warmed the cockles of my heart to hear Diana say that. Mayhap it was the way she had said it or how she was draped across me when she said it. “I meet the 'mystery man;' he wants ME. Fights, break-ups, mysteries revealed. It’s a bit much for my ordered life to take.”

“It won't always be like this. Enjoy it whilst you can.” I love that she gets my sarcasm and sense of humour. I really ought to get out of bed; it doesn’t suit for the CEO to be the last one in the office again. Navigating 75 during morning rush hour with my cell clapped to my ear is an accident waiting to happen.

“So after my interview today, how long does it take for my security clearance to come through? As long as with the Feds?” Diana enjoys her early morning stretch; she is almost catlike in it. Today I also was enjoying her stretch as it rippled down my body as well.

I grinned at her. “No wurries. I hear it’s a sure thing.”

“God, I hope so. I would hate to think all my charms had gone to waste on you this week,” she kidded me. “This is the first time I've bribed the Approving Officer.”

“And he is incredibly grateful.” I kissed her on the nose. Couldn’t let it go past that as it was already 6:38 AM.

“You know, the reason for this information is completely different than it was for Reags. With her, you guys were trying to find out her underlying motives. You already know my motive – I want to keep sleeping with the boss.”

“I’m not your boss …and the questions will be much the same even though I know your motives are absolutely lewd in nature. Do NOT try to kink up your prior sex life for titillation purposes. Think of poor Maxie having to read it some day, and, remember, I was the one who taught you about frangers. I already have a very good idea about your sex life before me.”

She put on her best Elvis impersonation which is not very good. “I was the one who taught her to franger, the way that she frangers you now.” I think I remember hearing the King’s own version of that song on the all Elvis music station as I was drifting off to sleep spooned up behind her. “OK, I'll keep it honest since everyone and his bloody brother will read the thing.”

She got a serious look on her face. “One thing. Whatever I say is not meant to hurt you. Don't take it that way even though it might.” Later, when I listened to the tape, I realised what she meant and reckoned that if Reags and Max could take it, so could I - so could we.

Her face brightened a bit, but she was still serious. “I thought I knew you before we ever met. I knew movie Terry, but I’ve had to discard a lot of that; I didn’t know the real you. And you know so little about me. That changes today for the good or bad. You might wish you didn't know.”

*

REAGAN

Dee shocked me by being on time.

“Whoa, nice flowers. Terry?” The note had been standard Appletree Florist stock.

“The card says they are from the firm, but I see Terry's fine hand in them.”

“He told me last night how bad he felt about putting you through that again. I thought he would probably send some by way of apology. I do not EVEN want to know how much that boy spends on flowers.” Dee's irreverence suited Terry's nicely.

“Let me get a closer look at the fillagree on the Rock. We've been going a mile a minute since Terry gave it to you.” I was referring to the blue topaz that she now wore constantly. The only jewellery she had worn in the time I have known her is earrings, fully keeping with her 'no muss, no fuss' lifestyle.

“Rabbit noticed it the other morning. The sun glinted off it, and it scared him. Took me forever to catch him.” She cradled it in her hand. I stopped my inspection to take a good look at her face. No masque this time. She was relaxed, her eyes soft. “Did I tell you it belonged to Terry's grandmother? Every morning he tells me to take care of Gran.” I didn't need to inspect it. Her face and words told me everything I needed to know. Dee turned me towards the business of the day.

“I know you're surprised I'm on time. I'm treating this like a regular security interview. It'll be odd to know the examiner so well though. Is this going to be one with the lie detector, or does that come later as the follow up?” She was serious about the lie detector; we both had gone through those at one time or another. Actually, we’d both been through them on more than one occasion.

One of Dee's experiences with the lie detector had been one war story she could tell me. She described getting more and more nervous as the test administrator had hooked her up. “My deodorant failed on the way down there to take the test. My breathing got shallow walking in the door. When he got the sensors on my fingers, the guy called for the nurse to do a blood pressure reading. He was afraid that I would stroke out on him.” Even when you have absolutely nothing to hide or fear, being hooked up for a lie detector is intimidating as all Hell. My first experience had been a virtual carbon copy of hers. At least both of us could laugh about it now; it hadn’t been very amusing at the time.

She had answered the base line questions with large spikes on the truthful ones; the lies registered off the charts. The administrator was amazed at her responses since her face had never changed expression. She does wear a masque well.

“As far as I know, TEO doesn't own a lie detector. I think they sub it out.” I had to get that dig in; the administrator she had scared so badly is now the “go to” guy in Dallas.

“I hope I don't have to go to those lengths again.” Sometimes I wonder how I can think she hides her emotions well; her face was a study in distaste. “Watkins will quit on the spot if I walk in.”

“Let's do this in my office. I've already got the tape recorder set up in there.” I wanted to get this moving as this was an entirely different situation for us. It’s one thing to share confidences with your best friend over margaritas; it’s entirely different to plumb her psyche with an eye towards security. I also wanted time to have a chat with Terry when I dropped the tape off this afternoon.

Dee slouched in the leather arm chair; Bailey added his support with his chin propped on her knees. I settled into the office chair across the room. I switched on the recorder and grabbed my note pad.

TERRY

Sooze buzzed me at two. “Reags is here, Terry. Shall I send her back?”

“Straight away. My door’s open.” Reags walked into my office less than a minute later and closed the door. She had not spent time talking to Sooze. I stood to meet her as she pulled the tape from her pocket. Her face wasn’t grim, but she wasn’t dancing a jig either.

“Am I going to need a drink before I hear this?”

“That depends on how dispassionate you can be as you listen. Dee hasn’t had an easy life, Terry. Some of this is pretty raw. Materially, her life has been good; emotionally, it’s been a bloody minefield.” I motioned her to a chair and took the tape from her hand, popping it into the player as she sat. Reags voice was first, detailing person and date. She reached across the desk and hit ‘Pause’ then 'Rewind.'

“Before you start listening, Terry, you need to know a few things up front.” I nodded. “How serious are you about a long-term relationship with Dee?”

“Deadly serious. I’m in this for the long haul.”

“Are you like Maximus, Terry? Do you want children?” I blinked. Kids? I’d made a mess of it with Henry and honestly didn’t feel I had it in me to try it again.

“What do children have to do with this?”

“If you want children – if that’s an important part of a relationship to you – walk away now,” Reags ordered.

I was still in the dark where this discussion was going. “What are you talking about?”

“Dee was involved in an auto accident when she was in college. She almost died, Terry, and the only way they could stop her haemorrhaging was to do a hysterectomy. She can’t have children; she wrote that off as a possibility and has never looked back. If she thinks you want them, and she can’t give them to you, it would break her heart …it would be one more aspect of her life in which she’s ‘not good enough.’ Don’t do that to her. Make up your mind if you haven’t until now, and walk away from her if that’s what it takes not to hurt her on that score. It would hurt her less if you left now and told her children are the deal breaker than to learn a year from now you want kids when her investment in you is far greater.”

I was silent for a bit, thinking that one over. Diana and I have been together for only a week. We haven't even settled into a routine yet. She is still surprised when I pull in the drive of an evening.

I love kids, always have, but having a child at this point in my life wasn’t really a tenable proposition. I was basically the same man I’d always been and had no reason to believe that I’d do a better job of parenting this time than I had before. My life is still a series of in-and-outs regarding the time and energy I’d be able to give to being a father …it was likely best that I not muck it up again. Realistically speaking, if I’d truly wanted to be a better father to Henry, I’d have made the time. My job was the excuse I gave myself and Marjorie for being such a shitty dad.

It would likely be best that I focus my energies on being a good partner to Diana. If at some point in the future we decided together that we wanted children, we could adopt, and I’d have no problem with that. At this point, I didn’t want to discuss something with Reags that I’d not discussed with Diana. It was just too bloody private and too bloody early in our relationship.

I looked at her. “Hadn’t even thought about that, Love. If I feel the need to play with a child, I’ll look to you and Max to make me a de facto uncle by having an ankle-biter who will call me Uncle Terry.”

“Fair enough.”

“Is there anything else I need to know before we get into the meat of this?”

“If you agree, I think it best that Dino and Maximus not hear the tape …they have no need to hear the pain in her voice. I’ll take it home with me after you’ve heard it and transcribe it. I’ll e-mail you the transcript tonight.”

“What do you intend doing with the tape?”

“I have a shredder …you don’t need to hear her pain more than once.” I nodded agreement, and she reached over to the player again and hit ‘Play.’ I stared at the player willing it to show me the way forward with Diana.

*

*

Terry reached over and stopped the tape at the end of Dee’s response to the marriage question.

“The bloke who dumped her because of her insecurities …does she talk more about that?”

“In excruciating detail. Keep listening.”

Terry nodded before commenting further. “We had a rather heated discussion about her relationships on Monday. She said men always left her. I countered with the possibility that she left emotionally long before the men in her life walked. Once she did that, they had no choice but to leave. How irreparable is that damage?” Reags winced when he said that.

“It isn’t totally irreparable, Terry, but it’s going to take a lot of work. When you hear the rest of it, you may find your own answer to that.”

Reags hit the play button again.

Reags: You own a working horse farm …that’s not an inexpensive venture. Where did you obtain your financial security and current working capital?

Diana: I didn’t start saving as early as I probably should have, but, when I did, I wasn’t going to walk away from free money that my employers were throwing at me by matching my 401Ks. You know I don’t live a lavish lifestyle so, on top of that money, I began putting money in the big stock build-up; because I’m so conservative, I bailed before the market crashed. Now that it’s taken another upward turn – I didn’t get in at the bottom of the climb, but pretty close to it – I jumped back in. Because I ran benefits departments, I became a de facto financial analyst, and while I wouldn’t give anyone else advice because I’m not licensed, I could give hints and suggestions, and I made sure I did the 'right thing' financially for myself.

As for the farm. By taking in other peoples’ horses - like Nancy’s mare - I fund my own hobby. I get to charge others a ridiculously low boarding rate for this area and still make a profit.

My house was paid for when Dad died. When I sold their house once I was free of both of them, I paid off the mortgage on the my place. For the first time in my life, I was free …free of my parents’ control, free of their domination. I was finally free of their disapproval. Since he and Mom were children of the Depression, they saved and saved and saved, and I inherited everything. I’m the only child, and after all the crap they put me through, I’ve earned it – every swinging penny.

Reags: You sound very bitter about your parents. Would you expand on that?

Diana: Is that question really a part of the “scripted” interview? I thought I’d told you that the description of that childhood picture gave you all the information you would need about those relationships.

Reags: That photograph was a moment in time, nothing more. It tells me nothing of the experiences that have made you the woman you have become. I told you earlier to let me be the judge of when a subject was closed.

Diana: Experiences …whoa! Okay. If I brought home report cards with all As and one B, it was always “Why did you get a B?” The only paper my mother ever saved from my high school years was one that I made an F on in English. I don’t even remember writing that paper and certainly don’t recall getting an F on anything; Mom had pitched it long before she mentioned it so I don’t even know if that’s a true story or not.

Mom and Dad were always more worried with what the neighbors would think than what I was feeling. I always had to worry about how my dad would react to something rather than dealing with my own hurt during those standard high school trials and tribulations. Boy, were they lucky they didn’t have a troublesome kid; if they’d had a kid like you – one in and out of scrapes on a continuing basis - they would have had nervous breakdowns.

I just got used to not feeling. I always deferred feeling anything until time had allowed the feelings to be blunted. You've always told me that I have a poker face; I guess part of the poker face is that in those moments, I’m not allowing myself to feel anything.

Not feeling is far preferable to how I normally am. If anything goes wrong, I always figure it is my fault. And beat myself up about it.

Growing up in LA was pretty normal. Girl Scouts, football games much like here in Texas, Friday night out with the girls, seeing the same movie with a boyfriend on Saturday night. I learned to surf. Dennis Wilson hung out down the street at the Swallows’ house; I guess that’s a little unusual, having one of the Beach Boys be a guy on the block. Concerts. College far enough away to feel emancipated, close enough to get home if I actually needed them.

Mom and Dad never let me have much freedom. I don't know if they didn't trust me or what; I suspect they didn’t. When I got my first job and moved out completely on my own, I went wild. Good thing my first job was retailing. I always took the late shift. I could stay out all night and still get enough sleep and get to work on time. I grew out of that pretty quickly. I don’t have the stamina for that now; I barely had it then.

Funny, Mom and Dad never saw me ‘grow up.’ They were around but never saw me as an adult. They didn't like what they saw. Until the day he died, Dad kept judging everything I did that he knew about. And trying to change me. It didn't even dawn on him that I was following most of the good things he taught me.

One of my engagements got me so close to the altar that I even had the wedding dress, all bought and paid for and hanging in the closet. When that engagement ended, Mom and Dad were more upset about all the money they lost than they were with my heartbreak. Mom kept that wedding dress for years; I’ve never known why.

They never even understood what I did for a living. They didn’t understand that I was responsible for a payroll of $12 million the day I walked out of college. Thank God I wasn’t that aware of it either, or it would have scared me to death. By the time the reality of the import of my career finally soaked in on me, I was so accustomed to the strain and tension of HR that it was pretty easy. Anything else you want to know?

Reags: When and why did that specific engagement break up?

Diana: We did the expected thing for college sweethearts. Engaged at Christmas our senior year. August wedding plans. We were just doing what was expected of us. We had no communication; because of my folks I had learned not to communicate for fear of how the other person would react. We were both dumb, naïve kids.

*

Terry stopped the tape again. “Did her mum keep the bloody dress so she could rub Diana’s face in it?”

“I have no fucking clue, Terry. Dee doesn’t even know.”

“Jesus, Reags. How in hell can I keep her from shutting down again?”

“If you do love her, Terry, you have to show her …and you’re going to have to show her and tell her every single day.”

Reags: That's plenty for now. What about your extended family?

Diana: There were lots of cousins that I grew up with, but I never really fit in with any of them. I was the studious one while they were out throwing firecrackers.

Reags: I surmise the ‘snakes’ were a bit tame for them?

Diana: Very tame. One Fourth of July, they cornered me in my aunt’s car and were throwing firecrackers under it. All I could think about was the gas tank exploding. A few years ago I sat down in a conversation with a couple of my cousins, and they didn't remember having done that to me. Come to find out, they had always assumed that I’d led a charmed life. But after they had spent some time with my Dad on a visit – and he had his ‘company’ manners on at the time – they saw how hurtful and how dismissive he was of me. I finally felt validated that what I had sensed all my life was, in fact, reality.

Reags: Had you not plunged into your career at so early an age, might you have been more successful in your pursuit of marriage?

Diana: I only started working hard at advancing my career after I gave up on getting married. In the early days of working, everything came pretty easily to me. I was always astonished at how good I was at employee selection and how bad I was at choosing men. I could walk into a room of 50 men, 49 good guys and one schmuck, and I’d pick the schmuck every time. I played the I-want-to-get-married game until it was time not to do so any more, and then got on with my life. It wasn’t at all unusual for a single woman to be in my field and to do very well in it. I knew there was a glass ceiling that I wouldn’t rise above, and, frankly, I never expected to get as far as I did in my career. I knew I wasn’t good enough to break that glass ceiling, particularly working for defense contractors. In order to do that, I would have had to be ex-military and a man.

Reags: That one phrase repeats in your comments …”not good enough.” Is that still an issue for you?

Diana: Always, Reags, always.

Reags: How has that affected your relationships?

Diana: At work, I did more, stayed later because I didn't want to screw up anything. If I did screw something up, the whole company knew. I would dwell on it, and I felt useless for weeks on any other tasks. When anyone would compliment me on a project, all I could think about was how I could have done it better. I really didn't think I deserved the 'atta girls' though I was grateful for them.

In my personal life it’s easier not to have anyone else relying on me. That way I don't have to worry about letting someone down because I am not that good at most things. Take cooking for example; if I don't have an ingredient, I'll substitute something else. It works, great; it doesn't, no big. In lots of ways, I’m pretty sloppy. You remember the thyme dressing a couple of Thanksgivings back, when I didn’t have sage?

Reags: Actually, it was pretty damned good …shocked the Hell out of me!

Diana: I've gotten so used to being alone, I don't know how to open up to someone else, to talk to them. I have to be pushed hard to say anything meaningful. But that really isn't on topic, is it?

Reags: It’s absolutely on topic. Keep going.

Diana: It’s even affected how I view you at times. There are times that it seems as if you're trying to one-up me, and you have the credentials and convictions to back it up, so I back off. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to slap you. Sometimes it really feeds my being second best. Maybe it is a role I was meant for; everyone needs a second banana.

I was that way in high school too. Second best. I graduated 12^th in a class of 500. I was pretty much a loner in high school. Never ran with any of the cool kids.

Reags: Why do you think you aren’t ’that good at most things?’ You’re one of the more accomplished women I’ve ever met, and I’ve known more than a few accomplished women.

Diana: I've never held with 'If it's good enough for doing, it’s good enough to do well.' I always heard that as 'Do it to perfection.' Bah! I have other things I want to do. If you have to do it, get it done. Move on.

Reags: I know that you have experience with the Department of Defense. Tell me what you can of that, without violating security issues.

Diana: I've told you about having been an analyst in HR and then loaned out to ‘operations’ on several different projects. What I didn’t tell you is that along with being an analyst is that I was an exceptionally good people supervisor and project planner. I got loaned out a lot. HR was good cover; on paper I was the department's HR Rep when, in actuality, I was on the operations team. I may be the only person – other than Terry – who has the professional version of Microsoft’s Project on their home computer.

Reags: Be as specific as you can on some of the declassified ones.

Diana: Everyone knows a bunch of teams went into Iraq before the first Gulf War. I ran one of those teams. I doubt the specifics on those have been declassified yet. Until I see it on the History Channel, I can't say any more.

Reags: That is precisely what I needed to know. What demons other than ‘not good enough’ trouble you?

Diana: God, Reags, isn’t that one enough? If you’re asking how I feel about not having a man in my life, it doesn’t bother me in the least. However, having said that, it’s wonderful to live on a planet where Terry Thorne exists, and I have a chance with him.

I still do the same things I’ve always done, and I’ve never minded doing them alone. You and Max have never made me feel like a fifth-wheel since you two coupled up; my life has simply gotten richer. And now, to find out that Dino is really Dino and the rest of the characters are here, what more could a single woman ask for? It’s as if I’ve just inherited an entirely new set of cousins, and for Texans, there’s nothing wrong with ‘kissin’ cousins.’ Now, if I have a problem horse, I’ll find a way to contact East Driscoll so that I can run the problem past him.

*

Terry smiled at her last comment. “I’ve no doubt she’ll find a way to contact East if she has a problem horse. Of course, and in all truth, I’d much prefer she go to Maxie.” Reags grinned …she’d bet her life on that last comment.

*

Reags: You’ve made several comments about being ‘a Texan,’ yet you were born and raised in California and your parents were from Oklahoma. When did you begin to perceive yourself as a ‘Texan?’

Diana: The day I crossed the State line. Growing up in LA and going to sporting events, half the stadium or arena was always rooting for the other team because they were from somewhere else. I swore if I ever left California, my allegiance would transfer to wherever I went. It wasn’t that hard; I’d grown up listening to country music, and I was coming to Cowboys’ football.

Reags: Do you have physical fears? Emotional? Spiritual? Why do you have such fears?

Diana: Uh, could we break that down, and you run them past me one at a time?

Reags: Sure. Tell me of any physical fears you have, and why you have them …if you know.

Diana: I’m terrified of snakes – the real, reptilian ones. As to why I am, I’ve no idea. That fear is so pervasive that I was proud of myself when I was actually able to touch a picture of a snake with my finger! I grew up in LA; what did I know about snakes? Around LA the only snakes we ever saw were the rattlers that were in the hills.

As I’m getting older, I find that when I’m in high places, I feel like I’m swaying back and forth. I don’t consciously have the fear of falling, but something is going on there.

Reags: I know you aren't afraid of spiders or insects. You would be a good candidate to be stuck in the glass case on “Fear Factor.”

Diana: So I gather Maximus is your designated killer of creepy-crawlies now, and I don’t have to drive 45 miles to find and kill them for you anymore. I kept wanting to get you a fly-swatter with a ten-foot handle but never could find one.

Reags: You have been replaced on insect and arachnid duty. What of emotional or spiritual fears?

Diana: I think we’ve done the emotional bit to death. I know, I know …you’ll decide when we’ve done it enough.

I’m not terribly religious, but I find that I’m attracted to the philosophies of most major religions. I find there are more similarities among them than some might realize; I might be looking for similarities. I guess I’d have to characterize myself as a Hindu-Buddhist-Moslem-Jew-Taoist-Christian.

I’d rather solve problems by being nice and negotiating, until it’s time not to be nice …and then be nice for a while longer. I’m a patient woman. If my solution doesn’t work this time, I’ll tuck it away and take a run at it again at another time.

Reags: What do you not want others to know about you?

(There was 45 second silence, during which she reached up and grabbed the topaz Terry had given her.)

Diana: Turn around. No, I'm serious. Turn around. I don't think I can say this to your face. I don’t want anyone to know that I don’t really need them in my life. They could all be gone tomorrow, and I would still be fine. OK, you can turn back around again.

Reags: Expand on that.

Diana: I don’t let anyone close enough that I couldn’t live without them. Not even you. I’ve had people coming and going in my life for so many years, that it just doesn’t pay off to get too attached or dependent. I don’t expect anyone to rescue me; I don’t expect anyone to help. I have to be sufficient unto myself. Perhaps that’s because I’m an only child because, at the end of the day, I can always come home to me.

I'm really uncomfortable with people touching me though I'm a real toucher in conversation. I’m much more comfortable shaking hands with people. You’re the first person other than a lover who has ever hugged me. That’s why I reacted the way I did when you hugged me before I left your house that first night. It shocks the hell out of me that I haven't gone mental with the way Terry is always touching me but after all, he is ...well, that's obvious now, isn't it? I surprised myself with the way I can't keep my hands off him.

Reags: Is there nothing else you would not wish others to know?

Diana: Isn’t that bad enough? You have to admit, telling the world you don’t need them is about the worst thing you could tell someone you’re close to.

Reags: I suspect we all share that sentiment, to some degree. Why do you think you are singular in that respect?

Diana: Because I’ve never told anyone that before …and because of that, I’ve never had the opportunity to gauge their reaction. I think I am a little farther along the scale than most people in not needing people around. I think if I need someone, I'm weak.

Reags: Would it surprise you to know that I knew that within three months of meeting you, and it doesn’t distress me in the least?

Diana: You've always been more accepting of my faults than anyone …and given that you're a shrink, I guess I should have expected that.

Reags: Tell me of your perceived faults.

Diana: I’m habitually late in my private life, which includes procrastinating. As an offshoot of that, I make late payments on bills all the frigging time, even with auto-pay. Of course, my credit card carriers love me for that – I represent pure profit to them.

I rely too much on technology; if my hard drive ever crashes, my life is over. And, God forbid, the network should go down on April 15^th.

I’m a lousy housekeeper, so if I’m ever kidnapped, living in a dirt hovel will not be a problem. If you and I ever get kidnapped together, we need to make sure that we aren’t in the same hovel, because your constant attempts to make it clean and neat would force me to kill you. Of course if we were in the same hovel, I could probably use the frustration of your constant tidying to kill a couple of our captors!

(Terry laughed and shook his head.)

My fault that annoys me the most is that I never think of the perfect comeback or solution until I’m in the shower the next morning. I had a boss one time who threatened to put a shower in my office so he could get answers quicker. Budget wouldn't allow it so he got me a desk fountain for Christmas instead.

My worst fault is my self-centeredness. I have never been responsible for anyone but me in my private life. I'm not sure I know how to give to anyone else.

Reags: What is your worst personal habit?

Diana: Christ, I just told you …I’m chronically late, I procrastinate, and I’m a lousy housekeeper. I’m grouchy when I’m tired or hungry.

Reags: What is your greatest regret?

Diana: I’m going to have to quote something I once read by a writer I respect a great deal because she said it so well, and it is completely true of me. “I have no regrets. None. I only have wishes.”

Reags: We all have wishes. I feel sure you have one, true regret because we all do …what is it?

Diana: I know what it is but don’t think I’ve experienced the situation yet. I fear that if the right man ever does walk into my life, I won’t recognize him or be too afraid of not being good enough to give it a go.

Reags: When you are angry, how do others know?

Diana: My voice gets very quiet, and I speak very distinctly and slowly. My words become very precise, and my enunciation is flawless.

Reags: Maximus mentioned having heard that tone in your voice; I suspect you intimidated him …not an easy thing to do to Maximus. I know Dino heard it last night; now whether he recognized it is another thing. How do you act on your anger?

Diana: Like everything else, I turn it inwards. I try and figure out how I let the situation get so out of control as to allow myself to get angry. And then I beat myself up about it.

Reags: Are you tempted to extract vengeance for a perceived wrong?

Diana: Nah. My motto is “Never take as malice that which can adequately be described by stupidity.”

Reags: Why not?

Diana: It just isn’t worth the effort. Somehow I always find a way that I was at fault. I always try and make it better the next time. I give people more chances because I know how often I screw up.

Reags: What about injuries you have sustained and the state of your health?

Diana: No broken bones, great health, prone to skin cancers, but only basal cells, thank God. I’m allergic to mold and fungus at 300, but that only expresses itself as a plugged-up nose that’s handled by over-the-counter medications. Of course, at that moment, my ability to give a good blowjob goes straight to hell.

*

Reags watched Terry as he looked down, trying to suppress the small smile that played at the corners of his mouth and losing the battle as he grinned back up at her. He shrugged. Their hands met at the pack of cigarettes lying on his desk, and they both laughed.

Reags: How do you deal with pain …have you ever experienced severe physical pain?

Diana: Pain …not really in my experience except for the car accident when I was in college, and my plumbing got taken out; I was so drugged up that I don't remember hurting then. I’ve been lucky. I imagine I would whine …and you would tell me to shut the fuck up, or you’d give me a reason to whine!

Reags: Tell me about ‘the plumbing’ being taken out, and be specific.

Diana: The seat belt did its job, and I stayed in the car, but the broadside broke something loose under the hood in my car, and a shaft of metal punctured my lower abdomen. They told me later that I almost bled out before the paramedics got there; my uterine artery was severed. I had a hysterectomy but was lucky according to the doctor. I only lost my uterus – still have my ovaries, so I get to go through menopause right along with you. Do you think Maximus can stand having two menopausal women in his life at the same time?

Reags: He’ll survive it. What do you like most about yourself?

Diana: My ability to forgive. I keep giving people more chances than they probably deserve. I’ve always felt my ability to see both sides of an argument makes me a better person.

Reags: Do you see giving others more chances than they deserve as being a weakness?

Diana: I’ve always felt it gave me a bit of an edge. Besides …if I ever did get nabbed, it might buy me time to get out of there.

Reags: What things are most important to you?

Diana: My dogs and horses, you and Max, maybe Dino, and now Terry, I think.

Reags: Other second – and subsequent - chances you gave people…what about close relationships in your adult life …men, women, intimate relationships of any sort.

Diana: There was my long-term friend, Stephanie Williams.

That was one time when I reached my limit in giving another chance; it was one too many ’other’ chances. I was happy in my career, and she couldn’t understand that. She had married and couldn’t understand my unwillingness to get involved again. Even when she said some hateful words, I kept on giving her another chance. When I got my biggest promotion, and she couldn’t even say “congratulations,” I became distant and superficial in my e-mails. She finally stopped contacting me. I haven’t heard from her in three years.

Reags: You said that was ’one time’ you reached your limit on giving second chances. What were the others?

Diana: Tom Coffey. He was the worst boss I ever had; yet, I learned more working for him than anyone else I ever worked for. Make that, learned more technical aspects. God knows his interpersonal skills were horrendous. Thank God there was one layer of management between us, or I would be in Huntsville now. He thought he was perfect, and everyone else in the world was beneath him. Nothing was ever good enough for him …not on the job and not in his personal life; he was just like my dad. He only had employees because he didn't have enough time to do everything himself. He challenged me. Subconsciously, I thought if I could impress him, I wouldn't be second rate any more. I must have succeeded because I got more - and progressively more difficult - projects to work on. That was his way of rewarding people. All I wanted in reward was some time off to play with my horses.

After Tom ran off all the good people in the department, I called one of the guys who had already left and said, 'Uncle!' He offered me a job on the spot. I couldn't believe I didn't have to interview – told me it was a sure thing. I was so glad to get out.

Reags: Who else falls into this category?

Diana: Howard Townsend.

Howard went by Ward – he thought it made him sound more macho. He was – probably still is - a successful electronics salesman. His territory included Southern California, Nevada, and Arizona. I met him at work when I went out to get an applicant, and he was waiting for Purchasing to come get him for an appointment. We started going out – very normal dating situation, or so I thought. His territory kept him on the road a lot, but he was always home on Friday afternoons. It just progressed; I honestly don’t know that I ever loved him, but when he proposed, I said 'Sure.' Up until the proposal, he had treated me like a queen. I felt accepted; arguments were very low key. Like the time we had committed to go to separate functions without checking with the other. I backed down because it wasn’t all that important. After I said ‘Yes,’ to his proposal, I could do nothing right. I didn’t polish his car correctly when we were working on it. If he wanted to know the football score, and I was a point off, it was a major deal.

He was working on his expense account while I was cooking dinner one night, and I went over to set the table and noticed the name on his credit card statement wasn’t Ward Townsend, but it was his address. It was pretty obvious that it was his because he was reconciling it. Of course, I asked about it, and he said I had no need to know. I’d just started working in the defense industry, and those were the magic words; I backed off. When he went out of town the following week, I got lonely so I called the hotel where he’d said he be. They had no record of him. He explained that away with ‘it must have been a mix-up at the desk or the clerk was an idiot.' His next trip out of town was longer, two weeks. I called every single one of the four hotels where he said he was staying. None of them had a Howard Townsend or a Ward Townsend registered. He explained that away by telling me I was paranoid and needy, otherwise I wouldn’t have to call him.

The final straw came when he was in the shower, and the phone rang. A woman asked for Bill. I said there wasn’t anyone by that name living there. We compared phone numbers, and she was dialling correctly. She also said that ‘Bill’ had been there every other time she’d called. I asked her name and where she lived. When Ward or Howard or Bill or whatever the hell his name was got out of the shower, I told him that Cindy from Fresno had called. He tried to tell me that she was one of his customers and that he’d promised her a quote. I said she wasn’t one of his customers because she’d called to confirm dinner the following Tuesday. That got me a nasty smile. I took off my ring and left it on the table when I walked out. Howard could make me vulnerable.

Reags: Tell me how he could make you vulnerable.

Diana: Back then my security clearance was brand new; I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize it. At eight the next morning, I was at our Security Chief’s door when he arrived. I told him what had happened, and I’ve never had any repercussions - yet. I assumed that he was just a womanizer and not into anything shady because it’s never had any impact on me or resurfaced.

Today, I wonder if that makes Crowe’s incarnations vulnerable. If he was into anything shady and something hit the tabloids with my name in it, Howard – whoever the hell he is – could get to Terry, and the rest of them, through me. “Ward” would probably be right there with his hand out for the payoff.

Reags: I think Terry, Maximus, and Dino are more than capable of handling the Howards of this world. Is there anyone else?

Diana: There’s my poofta friend – David Green - but he only pops up occasionally. And he’s so out-of-the-closet that he’s nothing that could be used against me because there’s nothing to hide or protect. At present, I’m working for Captain Ryan Bigelow, USN. I’ve worked alongside him briefly years ago, and he thought well enough of me to bring me in as a consultant now. Other than that, no one. I’m a loner …always have been.

Reags: Irrespective of David’s being out of the closet, I still suspect you’d do a lot to keep him from being hurt. How far would you be willing to go to protect him?

Diana: I'd probably tell him I'd gotten in a jam and who would be contacting him, if I knew. I'd give him a heads up and apologize. If he asked, I'd give him options on how similar situations have been handled. He has a lot of friends in PR; he'd probably have better advice than I could give him.

TERRY

I popped the tape out of the player and handed it to Reags.

“How was she when she left your place?”

“She’s gone through security interviews before …she handled it well.”

“That isn’t what I was asking, and you know it.”

She took a deep breath. “Worried about what you would think when you heard it.”

“That was a given.”

“Terry, how would you feel if someone you cared about heard you say things you knew weren’t directed at them but which had the potential to hurt them? She was exhausted. She’ll probably be asleep when you get home tonight. Be as quiet as you can going into the house.”

“How can I be quiet? I don’t have a key. Reags, you keep forgetting. It’s only been a week.”

“Then call her from the car when you’re five miles away. That will give her time to pull herself together. She’s fragile, Terry, far more so than most people would ever imagine. You’re probably the only man she’s ever known who has gotten this much information about how she truly feels about herself. Now that you have it, you stand a prayer of dealing with her successfully. Just let her know you didn’t take anything she said personally. The worst thing you could do just now is to go in as a knight in shining armour. Dee needs to stand on her own …she doesn’t need you to rescue her. Just be sure she knows that you accept her for the woman she is, nothing more and nothing less.”

“Alice Bowman looked vulnerable, but her only real issue was a marriage that was in the shitter. Realistically, I doubt I’ve ever met a tougher woman. Diana is a whole different matter. She looks and acts tough to keep people at arms’ length and not be hurt, but inside she’s like toffee and caramel.”

Reags nodded. “Terry, her life was fine before she met you. You can make it better for the addition, but you have to let her accept that addition and do it on her own terms. If you push her, she’ll shut down on you in the same way she has every other man she’s ever known. Don't push her, let her talk in her own time; now that she’s started, you may not be able to shut her up. After a while, it should dwindle down to a comment every now and again.”

“Looks as if I have my work cut out for me, doesn’t it?” A woman as complicated as I. As good as I about hiding in plain sight.

“Every man does with every woman. You just got all the keys to understanding Diana handed to you; she laid herself bare to you. This interview had the veneer of security research. She was talking to YOU. The other men in her life didn't get this much honesty; they wandered around in the dark never knowing why she reacted the way she did, and they were scared shitless to ask. With this interview, you should be able to predict what is going to hurt her. I never want to hear you say you don't know.”

I needed some cheekiness to hide behind. “You’ll still be available for consultations, right?” Of course I could answer that for her. “No.”

Reags laughed as she echoed, “No. If you can't navigate with this road map, nothing I can offer will help you.” She stopped, thought for a moment then continued. “Maybe just a few more comments ….”

REAGAN

“Terry, you can tell me to shut up and get the fuck out, but I won’t do either until you’ve heard what I’m about to say.” He was sitting back in his chair, hands clasped across his waist but sat up straight when I said that.

“Am I about to get my arse chewed? If so, I’d like to know what I’ve done.”

“Nothing that I know of, so consider this a pre-emptive ass-chewing.” He sat back in his chair and looked at me.

“Go on, then.”

“You’re the first man Dee has let into her life since I’ve known her. You are in a position to either make her life better than it’s ever been or destroy every bit of self confidence she’s built. I believe your intention is the former but – and this is a warning shot across your bow – if you’re stringing her along and I find out about it, I’ll make you rue the fucking day you were born; trust me when I tell you I’m more than capable of doing so. Terry, I think the world of you and you know that, but you’re number two on my list of concerns. Dee is my dearest friend. She will show you every single day how much she cares for you and how important you are to her. She may never verbalise it, but she’ll bolster your self-confidence and your sense of being a man by way of the things she does every day that you spend with her. You need to be sure that you do the same for her. Her heart is in your hands, Terry. Handle it with care. If you hurt her, I will personally make very sure that you pay for having done so.”

“Fair enough, Love. Now, why don’t you transcribe the tape here? You can stay here, and I’ll take the rest of my afternoon appointments in the conference room. I’m not comfortable with something so personal floating around all over North Texas.”

“I can do that. Frankly, I wasn’t all that comfortable with that idea either, and you can destroy the tape when I’m done.” He stood and walked around the desk to meet me, giving me a quick hug before walking out of his office and quietly closing the door.

I had the tape transcribed in less than an hour and opened the door when I’d finished. Terry walked down the hall from the conference room a few minutes later and into the open door. I handed him the tape – which I’d erased – and the transcript. He smiled as he pulled the tape from the cassette and fed it through his shredder and tossed the case into the trash.

DIANA

The phone rang, waking me, and I rolled over to answer it. It was Terry.

“You want to get up and unlock the door for me? I’m about a mile from home.”

“Sure. See you in a few.” I splashed water on my face, ran my hands through my hair, and walked to the door, reaching it just as he pulled into the drive. I stood in the open door, beer in hand for him, as he walked onto the porch.

“You heard it?”

“I heard it,” Terry took a big slug of beer and handed me the tinnie. “And I couldn't wait to get home to you.” We walked into the house with his arm around my shoulders, and my thumb stuck through his belt loop. He tossed his coat on the back of a chair as we got settled on the couch with Holly in the rocking chair, and Okie ensconced between us.

“Move, Okie.” The amazing thing was, Okie obeyed Terry's command, hopped over him, and sat on ‘his’ end of the couch. Terry pulled me over to him and propped my back against his chest. I could still see his face, and we didn't have so far to pass the beer between us.

Terry didn't seem too anxious to address the elephant in the middle of the room. I tried a new approach for me, facing things head on instead of letting them go. “I know I am such a wuss for letting my folks still control my life. It's not like I was homeless or abused. My relationship with my parents was a constant battle for control. No matter how hard I tried to break free of them, they always came back and tried to make me their child. And each time they did, the battle started again. I’ve been fighting my entire life; I don’t know how not to fight when I sense that someone may be trying to somehow exert control over me. I ought to just suck it up and get the fuck over it. I only think on it when I get pushed into it. Most of the time ....”

He finished my sentence for me. The words were different, but it was the same intent. “You stay superficial, and that looks fine on the outside. Very few people know that you aren't that close to them.” I was glad to see the glint in his eye telling me that he would still kid me. “At least you didn't ask why I couldn't wait to get home to you. I'm tired – emotionally and physically. I want some peace. I want to hear the silence. All I want to do tonight is sit right here and watch the horses with you.”

His right hand came up to my chin, tracing slowly down my neck to where the topaz rested between my breasts, and he smiled at me. “I’m still here …and I still want you to take care of my Gran and me.”