This
work of
adult fiction, loosely based on
characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and
experiences;
you have been warned. No
copyright
infringement on the original work is intended. Copyright Reagan Kavanagh 2007.
MAXIMUS
She sleeps now,
heavy in her fecundity. Slumber does not come easily for her at this
time. She is weary from carrying the burden of our child. Her gait
has slowed, and she breathes heavily with the slightest exertion.
Her physician cannot be more specific than to say the birth of the
child may be counted in days rather than weeks; I know the day cannot
come soon enough for my wife. My heart swells in love and gratitude
for the inestimable gift she so willingly carries for me, for the
discomfort she bears, and for her bravery in facing the coming trials
of labour and childbirth. I fear for her in that combined ordeal as
I have never feared for myself.
I could not sleep
and turned on my side, propping myself on my elbow to watch her after
she murmured in her sleep. Her physician suggested she sleep with a
body-length pillow between her knees when she rests on her side, and
she does so. Sharon said it would keep her spine in its proper
position and relieve the ache in her back to some degree; it also
helps support the weight of the babe as she tucks the pillow partly
under her belly.
The moonlight
streams into the room; her hair is silvery where the light strikes it
splayed across her pillow. She has let her hair grow long again. I
confess I prefer it so, though it is quite becoming in the shorter
style she wore for a time. She has turned in her sleep and now lies
facing me, one arm thrown round the pillow against her belly, the
other under the pillow that cushions her head. She murmurs again
before taking a deep breath and burrowing more deeply into her
bedding. I reach out and gently move an errant lock of hair away
from her face. She does not wake.
My mind goes back
in time, to Ethelinde when she was heavy with the child she bore me
so long ago. I confess annoyance when I learnt she was with child.
I was concerned only with myself and viewed her pregnancy as an
inconvenience. Her increasing girth interfered with my own pleasure,
and as that was why I had struck the bargain with her, I was not
pleased. She was heartbroken and wept bitterly when our daughter
failed to survive her first winter. I was relieved; that was one
less bastard with which to concern myself, and at that time I knew I
had at least half a dozen. I had never concerned myself with the
women I left behind me; they knew their lot when they cast it with a
member of the Legions.
I was not at home
whilst Ileana carried Marcus; I doubt I should have been more caring
of her during pregnancy than I was whilst Ethelinde was with child.
I was young, though the callowness of youth does not excuse my
carelessness and lack of compassion. When I was older, I said to
Lucilla that time changes many things. I find myself fortunate that
those words were true. Time has altered my perspective with regard
to women and the trials they endure to give men the legacies we
consider our right.
My thoughts
returned to my wife.
Though it was now
December, the night was warm. It seems often to be the case in
Texas. The day of Thanksgiving has come and is now past, though my
memories of it linger. I find myself in awe of the blessings I have
received these last two-and-one-half years since Cassandra came again
into my life and thank the gods – both pagan and Christian – for
their beneficence. We had celebrated that day with those we love
most …Terry and Diana, Dino and Ellen, Sooze, Sarah, young Dolores,
and Ellen’s mother, Rosemary.
I have crossed
two millennia to find the woman I loved so long ago. We have married
and are soon to have a child. I have found colleagues I trust and
who trust me in return. Terry and Dino are good men, and Sooze is a
woman worthy of respect. I am honoured to have their respect and
their love and return it fully. I have seen both Terry and Dino fall
in love since meeting them, and I have seen the bond of friendship
between Sooze and Sarah deepen into an abiding love. They are good
parents to Dolores. It is my hope Terry and Diana will one day wed
and find the peace I know with Cassandra; but for Diana’s
reluctance, they would have been married some time past.
I find it strange
that women in this time seem reluctant to marry. In my first life, a
woman’s good name and indeed her survival were dependent on making
a good marriage. Dino and Ellen were wed a week past. Cassandra was
matron-of-honour for Ellen; she complained at being so advanced in
her pregnancy as to have appeared cumbersome in her gait as she
advanced toward the altar.
Cassandra moves
again and turns to lay on her other side once more, arching her back
as if it pains her. I pull away the sheet and place my hand on the
small of her back. Her skin is soft, like fine silk, but warm to my
touch. I press down on her spine, rubbing as I do and making small
circles. She murmurs softly and leans back into my hand as I
continue to massage her back. Moments later and with no small
effort, she turns to face me; her eyes are open, her voice low and
soft when she speaks.
“I love you.”
“And I love
you. I did not intend waking you. Your movement indicated your back
ached, and I sought to ease your discomfort.”
“You didn’t
wake me. What are you thinking?”
“Many things.
Of us and our child, of Ileana and Marcus …of Ethelinde and how
callously I used her.” Her fingers come up to touch my mouth.
“Ethelinde’s
life was better for having you in it, Caro. You did not abuse
her, and you left her well-provided for when you moved on.”
“I killed her
husband so that I might have her. The gods will hold me
accountable.”
“Satis.
You have long since repented and atoned for your sin where they are
concerned.”
I sighed.
Whether or not I had sinned in that instance was of no matter where
my wife was concerned. She would defend me even as the gates of the
Underworld yawned in her face; I love her for her loyalty as much as
for her love and care of me.
“What are you
thinking that makes you wakeful?”
“The baby
kicked and woke me. She’s a strong little bugger.” I smiled at
her use of the feminine pronoun.
“Why do you
think the babe a daughter?”
“Because you
want a daughter. Because I would adore having a daughter, an
older sister to harass the son we’ll have next.” Ah …so she
truly intends having at least one more child. The thought warmed my
already full heart.
“And if this
child is a son …what then?”
“Then you get
permanent nappie duty. I’ve no intention of having him pee
in my face!”
Marcus had done
precisely that following my return home and after my having at last
acknowledged him as my son; I had not changed his nappies but had
been holding him after his bath and before his mother took him into a
towel. I laughed aloud at the memory, and Cassandra joined me. The
dogs sleep round our bed and raised their heads at our laughter,
looking toward us in curiosity.
“If the child
is a boy, I will change his nappies though I shall require
instruction and practise to gain expertise.” She put out her
tongue at me.
“I have faith
in you …you’ll muddle through.” Her hand reached out and
pulled the sheet away from my body, her fingers trailing down my body
to my phallus, stroking softly. I felt my body respond and pulled
away from her to lie on my back.
“Cassandra, do
not do this. It is unwise.” She pushed herself up to lean with
her head in one hand.
“Why is it
unwise?”
“You know the
answer.”
“Tell me again
…and this time, try and be a bit more convincing.”
“If we couple,
I fear for both you and the babe. I will not risk it.”
“We’ve had
this conversation before, and you’re not adding anything you’ve
not said earlier.”
“In our former
life ….”
“I was pregnant
and knew it before your death. We had sex every night and most
mornings. I delivered a healthy child. In that time, once the woman
conceived and told her husband or partner, they didn’t have sex
again until the child was two-years-old. That was one of the
reasons I didn’t tell you I was pregnant.
“The Roman
Empire didn’t collapse solely under its weight of brutality and
corruption, Max, it died with a whimper because Romans weren’t
making enough little Romans to keep the Empire afloat. We’ve
discussed this with Sharon, and it’s completely safe until the last
week before I deliver; that’s still a few days off. Even after the
week to ten day limit, we can have sex right up to the point that I
go into labour …you just can’t penetrate me.”
She presents a
compelling argument, and her words did little to deflate my rapidly
increasing tumescence. Still, I could not but worry for her and
sought to dissuade her.
“Cassandra, I
think it unwise.” She moved from her position beside me and before
I could stop her was sitting on my loins, my stiffening cock held
prisoner between her vulva and my belly.
“I don’t
agree.” She slid herself back and forth over me; her wetness
facilitating her movement. I was trapped and told myself I had
little choice but to accommodate her. In truth, I wished to
accommodate myself as well; she simply made the decision easier for
me. She raised herself slightly on her knees, and I slipped inside
her, moving slowly, as I did not wish to cause her discomfort.
“Oh, God ….”
Her voice was almost a groan as her head fell forward, hair
cascading round her face as she placed her hands on my shoulders to
brace herself. My own hands moved up her body, caressing the hard
fullness of her belly and moving to her breasts. I could see her
clearly in the moonlight, my eyes feasting on her engorged breasts,
the aureoles enlarged and flattened now with
pregnancy. Her nipples were erect as she leant forward, and I raised
my head to suckle from her. My hands moved to her hips to assist her
in finding our common rhythm as I thrust up inside her.
It
has been some time since we had last coupled; the
enforced abstinence has been difficult for both of us. I had kept my
promise to her, the one freely given so long ago on the night we
first shared our bodies. I vowed that should we wed I would never
abuse her trust in me. It had not been easy as the time passed; I am
a man, and my desires are strong. She has spoilt me in the realm of
sex as she is always willing and ready, often taking the initiative
herself. I consider myself fortunate among men.
I
had lusted in my heart – words once spoken by a former president –
and it had cost me dearly. I had come perilously close to breaking
my vow but did not. I could not have lived with myself had I done
so. Worse, I could never have looked into Cassandra’s eyes again.
My thoughts deserted me, and I became caught in our lovemaking, the
feel of her body and her love driving all else from my mind.
I felt her walls
tighten round my cock as my rhythm increased. My scrotum drew up
tight against my body, and I felt the pressure of my seed as it
spurted forth inside her. I felt the strong contractions of her
walls as her peak followed mine, and she rolled off me, both of us
spent and satiated. She cuddled into my side as my arms pulled her
close. Her voice was low when she spoke.
“So you didn’t
sleep with her.”
Her words struck
me like the spear of a ballista. I was speechless for a few moments
before answering her truthfully. I could do no less.
“No. I did
not. I could not betray you or myself and the love we bear each
other in that manner.” I could feel her smile against my chest as
her head nestled into my shoulder.
“I never
thought you had. For an old Roman, you have an amazing conscience
and lack of ability to justify something you view as dishonourable.”
“How did you
know?”
“I didn’t
know for sure until you told me ten seconds ago.” She is a
craftier politician than Gracchus and Lucilla combined; the
Praetorians could have learnt much from her regarding interrogation.
I reached to the side of the bed, flipping on the lamp, and turned to
look her fully in the face.
She did not
appear angry or even concerned.
“Why did you
suspect I was seeing someone?” She leant up on her elbow.
“You’ve had
trouble meeting my eyes for the last two months. It was a natural
conclusion.”
“I did not
think myself so easily read.”
“You’re an
honest and honourable man, Maximus. Deceit doesn’t come naturally
– much less easily – to you.”
“I regret my
lack of fortitude more than you can ever know, particularly so as it
was I who chose to terminate our physical relationship until the babe
is born. I have failed you when you most need me.” It was
difficult to speak the words because of the tears in my throat; they
were now matched by those in my eyes. Her hand came up to touch my
face, wiping away the moisture.
“You haven’t
betrayed me, Caro, and you haven’t failed me. I know you
and the reason you looked elsewhere. You sought to protect me and
our child when you thought your physical attentions might harm us.
The fact that you couldn’t go through with it makes me love you
even more.” She fell silent for a moment.
“Was she the
woman in the restaurant a few weeks ago?” If ever I had considered
I might succeed in deceiving her, the notion died now. I nodded.
“I was unaware
that you noted her.”
“I've been
trained to notice everything …I
don't miss a great deal.”
“Why did you
say nothing?”
“What was there
to say? You would either sleep with her, or you wouldn’t. If you
needed me to beg you not to do so, we wouldn’t have much of a
relationship – much less a marriage – would we?”
“It is our
relationship that I value above all but your life. That is why I
could not follow through.” She touched my hand, now healed,
rubbing her fingers over my recently returned wedding ring.
“I’m sure the
broken hand and inability to wear your ring facilitated the potential
affair.”
“I suppose it
did. In truth, I had not considered it.” I had not thought of it
until she commented upon it. Her ring had been in my pocket
throughout the meetings I had with Helené Bonner.
REAGAN
I knew he’d
been seeing someone. A wife always knows, doesn’t she? I
never for a moment thought he was sleeping with her, but if the
relationship had continued, I feel sure he would have done in time.
I doubt anyone would ever understand my feelings about it, but then
I’m from his time; I know – and understand – how he thinks.
He loves me
desperately, at least as much as I love him. I’ve heard it said
over the years – and used to believe it myself – that in any
partnership, one partner loves more than the other. In my first
marriage, I was the one who loved more. I suppose that’s why I
avoided noticing Bill’s wandering eye for so long. I knew he was
looking but chose to ignore it. It wasn’t that I particularly
cared that he was screwing round on me because I didn’t. I’ve
always felt that sex is sex and have been able to compartmentalise
it, not giving it any more credit than it’s due. It’s a simple
bodily function, nothing more. What hurt was that I knew Bill didn’t
love me even half as much as I loved him. Well, as I thought
I loved him.
I didn’t really
know what love was until I met Max.
When Max came
into my life, he pulled my roots to the surface. The part of me that
is Roman came to life again. I understand this man, and I understand
his views on sex outside of the marital relationship. Would I like
it if I knew he’d been unfaithful to me? Of course not. Would it
shake my love and my faith in him or make me doubt his love and
devotion to me, to our children? Not for a moment.
The reality of
Maximus Decimus Meridius is really quite simple. He would never
allow anything to threaten the stability and sanctity of his
family. We – and I use the plural deliberately, even though our
child hasn’t yet been born – are the most important things in his
world. He would willingly die to protect us and would work himself
to death if necessary to give us what he thought we needed.
He would kill to keep anyone from hurting me and our children.
He lusts; we all
do. I believe that 99% of the time he lusts for me, but there is
that remaining one percent. I lust; 99% of the time, it’s for my
husband …but there is that one percent left over for his
Progenitor.
When Max decided
I was unavailable to him, he looked elsewhere. I have no problem
with his looking and wouldn’t have much difficulty if I knew he had
a casual fling based on sex. The important part is that he didn’t
follow through with his heart; he didn’t love her, only
lusted after her. In my mind, one of those is acceptable. I doubt I
need clarify further which that is.
I’ve not asked
him for specifics and never will. Knowing my husband as I do, he’ll
tell me in time. He’s like that. He eventually tells me all; he
just needs to do it in his own time. I can live with that, because
I'm like him.
MAXIMUS
We sat long at
the breakfast table the next morning. It was Saturday, and I did not
have to work this day. Terry had the desk, and I was more than
content to spend the day with my wife, shutting out the rest of the
world as we anticipated the birth of our child.
I find more
pleasure than I would have thought possible in watching her body
continue to grow and ripen toward the day she will bring our child
into this world. I was struck with her beauty, physical and
emotional, the night I met her, but she has never been more beautiful
in my eyes than she is now. I considered my words carefully before
speaking.
“Do you wish me
to tell you of her? I do not want to hurt you more than I have done
thus far.” She put her coffee cup on the table and reached across
to rub her fingers over my hand.
“Do you
want to tell me about her? If you do, that’s fine. It isn’t
going to upset me. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine as
well.”
I took a deep
breath and began.
“We met when
she asked to share my table at Avanti one luncheon. All the tables
were occupied, and she had a meeting. She needed to have her meal
and be about her appointments for the afternoon. I saw no harm in it
at the time.
“I found myself
there again the following week; she was there as well. We again
shared a meal. The first three times we met – in less than eight
days – I told myself the occurrences were accidental. When we
scheduled a luncheon, I could no longer deceive myself. I was
fascinated with her …possibly because she was so very different
from you.
“I knew she was
little better than a whore, much the same as the women I consorted
with prior to meeting you. She had questioned me about any
relationship in which I might be involved, and though I evaded her
queries, I am sure she discerned the truth. Because my marital
status was obviously unimportant to her, I could use her with no care
for her feelings. She was clearly for sale to the highest bidder.
It was not until much later I realised the she sought to destroy our
life together; she wished to marry me for what she saw as position
and money. She wished to use me as I would have used her. I confess
it was startling to find myself the prey in the sites of a master
predator. This has been the first time I have had any notion of how
a woman may feel to discover she has been used by a man for nothing
more than satiation of his lust.”
She rose heavily
from the table, and I feared she would now tell me to go, that she
wished never again to see my face. To my surprise she simply moved
to the coffee maker and brought the pot with her on her return,
refilling my cup and her own before sitting.
“Go on.”
There was no condemnation in her eyes or on her face; her voice
carried only interest in what had transpired and concern for me. My
confession would have been easier had she raged at me.
“Obviously you
recall the day we had our meal at the bar-b-que restaurant in Red
Oak.”
“Yes …she
certainly gave me a long, appraising look.”
“She did. I do
not know how she came to be there; in truth, I suspect it was
accidental. I had no reason to believe she ever followed me or tried
to learn where we live.”
“She certainly
looked surprised when she saw you sitting there with a pregnant
woman. I suspect she did a bit of rapid reformulation of her plans
after that.” I nodded.
“Quite the
contrary; she seemed more determined than ever to attain what I now
realise was her goal. I called her the following Monday and arranged
to meet her for an early dinner with the intention of ending it. She
was quite successful in her manipulation of me; I confess I am no
match for the wiles of a determined woman. She convinced me she had
no designs on me other than as a potential bed mate. I should have
seen through the ruse, but my lust for her – like that I held for
Ethelinde – clouded my judgement. It was not until I ended it with
her that I realised she sought to do with you as I had with
Ethelinde’s husband. Thought I do not believe she would have
raised her hand to harm you, she clearly sought to eliminate you from
my life.”
The shame had
risen in me until I could no longer look into her eyes. I turned my
head and gazed out the window. My wife's hand on my face gave me
courage to turn back to her.
“Max, you
aren’t the first man to be sucked in by a clever woman with her
sights on a rich husband; you sure as Hell won’t be the last.”
I nodded and
sipped my coffee before continuing. Her words were true; I had seen
their veracity in my own time and laughed at the foolishness of men
who fell prey to the charms of such women. Why is it we cannot see
the truth of it at the moment we ourselves become that man? It is
only later and with distance that we attain clarity in such matters.
“We met several
more times, always for luncheon or an early dinner, and at last she
invited me to have a meal at her condominium. I declined, saying I
could not meet her so late in the evening. I had a business trip and
on my return – and following having met her for lunch – you
called me at the office to say you had an evening meeting at the
university. I called her and asked if I might accept her offer of
dinner that night. She said I might.
“When I arrived
at her condominium, she was wearing the minimum of lingerie; it was
clear a meal was not on her agenda. I lost temporary control of my
senses. When we reached her bedroom, she unzipped my trousers and
grabbed my cock. It was in that moment I at last came to myself and
realised I could not go through with it. I could not dishonour you
or myself in that manner, and I could not break my vows to you, not
the one given so long ago nor the ones given on the day we married.
I walked out of her bedroom and out of her life. I have not seen her
since and will never see her again. I promise you that on the love I
bear you and our child.”
There was nothing
more to be said. I could not recall ever having been more ashamed of
my actions; I could only pray she would forgive my weakness. I
closed my eyes in remorse and heard her rise again from her chair.
Moments later, she stood beside me and turned my head into her bosom,
cradling my head as my arms went round her waist, and I wept.
“Shhh, shhh.
It’s over, Caro. You’re human, no different from the rest
of us. You were tempted. You didn’t give in to it. If you need to
hear me say I forgive you, I do, but truly, there’s nothing to
forgive. You committed no sin.”
REAGAN
He’d gotten it
all out, and though doing so had been painful for him in the extreme,
I know my husband well enough to know that it would have destroyed
him not to be honest with me. I know I’m a strange woman where sex
is concerned; I suppose I always have been. When you grow up with a
father who cheats on your mother with every whore in the county, you
learn not to give sex any more credit that it deserves. It’s a
bodily function, and most of us do it.
It was clear that
Max hadn’t harboured any affection for the woman, whoever she was.
He’d lusted for her, and that didn’t distress me all that much.
He’d made a conscious decision not to have sex with me until after
the baby was born for fear of hurting me or our child, and I knew
abstinence had been difficult for him. It hadn’t been easy on me,
but I knew it had been more unpleasant for him.
Our love-making
of the previous night had shown him his fears of injuring me or the
baby were groundless, and then his guilt had hit him full force. I’d
facilitated his confession because I knew he had to get the words
said. I hadn’t particularly wanted to hear about it, but I’d
rather listen to him confess when nothing had actually happened than
watch his guilt eat him alive and then drive a wedge between us as he
withdrew into himself and shut me out.
Dee and I talk
about most things, but I’ll probably never tell her about Max’s
near fall from so-called grace. Sex to her means love; it always
has. I’m glad she’s found Terry because he seems to be
monogamous once he’s in a relationship. I rather doubt either of
them would ‘forgive’ Max for his behaviour, not that it’s their
position to condemn or forgive him.
Dee would lose
all respect for Max because she’d likely interpret his actions as
infidelity. Terry wouldn’t lose respect for my husband, but I do
suspect the fact that he knew about it would change his behaviour
with regard to Max. I love my husband, and I’m very protective of
him. This is between the two of us, and it will never go further
unless he chooses to tell it.
MAXIMUS
I held her close
in my arms when we went to bed that night. We talked late into the
night of our hopes and dreams for this child and of children we might
have in the future. She had made it quite clear that she is not
angry with me for my indiscretion, nor does she blame me for what I
see as my weakness. She asked only one question of me regarding the
matter.
“If I’d not
been pregnant and you afraid of hurting me or the baby, would you
have done anything more than permit her to share your table on that
first occasion?” I had examined my conscience and my mind
carefully before answering. It was imperative to me that I be
absolutely sure of my feelings in the matter before speaking. At last
I responded.
“No. I would
not. I imagine we would have passed a pleasant luncheon, and I would
have thought no more of her. She was an interesting luncheon
companion, but had I not given her some sort of signal – however
unconscious or unintended on my part – I doubt she would have been
inclined to pursue continued contact with me.
“I was sexually
frustrated when I met her, and I suspect she sensed that in some
manner unknown to me.” My wife laughed.
“She didn’t
have to sense it consciously, Caro. I’m quite sure your
pheromones were flying like the night we met. Her hormones picked up
on your testosterone overload, and the rest was easy for her. She
played you like a fish on a line.”
It occurred to me
that perhaps I should be insulted by her last comment but found
myself smiling instead. She was correct; she is often so where I am
concerned. She seems to make no effort and yet probes my mind and
soul to their very depths. The truth of the matter is really quite
simple. She loves me, and she knows me – all of me, good and evil
– and accepts me as I am. I could not love her more if I were
given a thousand years to accomplish it.
We quieted at
last and slept. I awoke in the night to feel her hand on my cock and
her breath warm in my ear. I helped her mount me and groaned in
pleasure as I sank deep within her.
Her breasts were
heavy in my hands, her walls, wet and tight as they engulfed my cock.
I looked into her eyes and saw the only woman I ever wish to see in
this manner. She is my world. She is all that I could ever desire,
and she gives me all of herself. She is more than I deserve, and I
thank the gods for her patience and understanding …most of all, I
thank them for her love of me in spite of my shortcomings.
My hands moved to
her hard belly, and I felt our child move within her womb. She
seemed not to mind the movements of the babe, and I continued
thrusting deep inside her, bringing both of us to fulfilment within
minutes. Her soft cry and shudder told me of her completion and
satisfaction. I remained inside her until I softened and slipped
from her body, helping her move off me and bringing her close to my
side. Her words were soft, as was my response.
“I love you,
Maximus.”
“And I love
you, Cassandra, with every fibre of my being.”
NOTES
Satis
Enough, i. e., you can stop beating yourself up over this.
