Echoes in Eternity
Interrogation

by

This work of adult fiction, loosely based on characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and experiences; you have been warned. No copyright infringement on the original work is intended.  Copyright Reagan Kavanagh 2005

Sunday, 24 July 2005 Evening

MAXIMUS

As I held her, I considered her courage earlier in the day. She had responded to Terry’s questions with honesty, though I knew it pained her to discuss the child. She had even managed to lift the mood, if, indeed, that had been possible.

“Cassandra …Cara. I do not know what to say regarding the events of this day but there is more to discuss before we continue. Had I dreamt that you would be so vilely used, I would never have subjected you to their presence.” She looked out the French doors toward the distant rolling hills before speaking.

“I know you could not have known how they would react to the fact that I know who you are – who all of you are. I expected resistance but I had thought they would hold you in sufficient regard to trust your judgment.” She took a sip from her glass and met my eyes fully for the first time. “That is what distresses me most …the fact that they seem not to trust you, Maximus. They are your partners. The three of you know each other better than most men know a brother, yet they have judged both of us as though they had just met you. They say you are their friend, yet they doubt you. I find that difficult to accept.” She had voiced my own emotions more fully than I could have done given days to formulate the words. Still, I knew Terry and Dino’s reaction to her knowledge of us was not based in any lack of trust in me nor fear of exposure or exploitation but in the fact that they did not know her. What men do not know and understand, they instinctively fear. The three of us live in a primarily male world; while Terry deals well with female clients in his professional life, not even he fully understands the female mystique outside of it.

“I do not think their trust of me – or lack of it – is the underlying issue. Their fear is the issue. You are the first woman to have entered our lives in other than the most cursory or superficial manner. You have knowledge of us that no other woman – aside from Diana - has, at least so far as we know. However, if I have fallen in love with you, it is probable that another of our number – or more than one – has made the same commitment, but we do not know of it. You are the first of whom they are aware, and, as such, you have received the brunt of their shock as they realise that we are truly a part of the real world and must deal with all the accompanying ramifications.” She considered what I had said and finally nodded before speaking. It seemed to be her wish to forge ahead with the interrogation. We were prepared to proceed calmly with the questions I must put to her. As I removed the small recording device from my pocket, she spoke softly.

“I know that you have questions for me. Some are of your own invention, and some are concerns of Terry and Dino. Hopefully, the answers I provide will remove their concerns regarding my intentions and eliminate me from suspicion.” I nodded as I placed the recorder on the table in front of us. I had brought additional tapes in the event they might be needed. I pulled a typed list from my shirt pocket. After Terry’s departure and the subsequent destruction of my television set, I had gone to my computer and typed out the questions he had put to me along with some of my own. It was time to begin. I prayed that my manner in asking these things of her would be less painful than might be the case were Terry or Dino to be her inquisitor. She gave me a long look before speaking.

“Let’s just get this over with, can we?” I nodded; there was nothing I wished for more at this time than to put this behind us so that we might move forward, assuming that she still wished to have me in her life when this was done.

(I suppressed a shudder at the lack of love she experienced at the hands of her father.)

I have two cousins that I am relatively close to, but we rarely see each other and keep in touch either by e-mail or the telephone. One is a psychologist, and the other, a systems analyst.

Max: Tell me about your wedding. What sort of ceremony did you have?

Reagan: Why is my wedding important?

Max: It was on the list of questions Terry wanted me to ask.

Reagan: It was very small, less than 50 guests. Bill would have liked a more elaborate ceremony, but I wanted to keep it simple. We were married at the American Embassy in Manama, Bahrain, on a Friday afternoon and had a small reception. I spent less than $500 putting the entire thing together, wedding dress included. Frankly, I could not justify spending thousands of dollars for a ten minute ceremony. That was money I didn’t have to spend and wouldn’t have spent if I did have it. When we got back to Saudi, my CO surprised us with a huge reception and invited every ex-pat in the area.

Max: Where did you obtain your financial security?

Reagan: After the death of my parents and paying all the bills, my inheritance was just under two million dollars. I invested it with a broker – his name is Jonathan Frazier of Smith, Barney, & Associates. When I divorced my husband, I didn’t want the house or any of the things we had acquired together. My divorce was granted in Texas, and Texas is a community property state. The judge’s ruling was that I receive the dollar amount of my half of the property in cash. That amounted to about $500,000. I used that to buy the property here and build this house.

Max: Why did your marriage fail? Was he abusing you in some fashion?

(If he had, and I learnt of it, I would find him and kill him …slowly, and painfully.)

Reagan: You know that a child died on my watch when I was at Quantico. I couldn’t get past it. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost weight …I could barely manage to work. Every day when I reported for duty, I could see her face in the screen of my computer. I lost interest in everything, Maximus, everything. I let the house go to hell, didn’t cook, couldn’t stand to make love with him. I moved into one of the guest rooms. He tried to help as much as he could, but it’s difficult to help someone who won’t even look at you, much less talk to you. He finally had enough and walked out. He was nice enough to let me file for divorce. And no, he never abused me. If there was any abuse in the marriage, it was in the form of the emotional abuse I inflicted on him.

Max: Tell me about him.

Reagan: He was good to me. Kind, considerate … thoughtful for the most part. He worked hard – we both did – and we had a good life, though I think he was always more married to his work, and I was more his mistress. He’s in the health care industry, a hospital administrator. He has a graduate degree in health care administration and was stationed in Saudi Arabia on a DoD contract to MODA, the Saudi Arabian Ministry of Defence and Aviation. He was in charge of building and then running the military hospital on the base where I was stationed. When he arrived, the US Forces were trying to run a full service, acute-care general hospital out of a ten-bed clinic. He had the new hospital built in less than 18 months and fully operational within six months after that. Obviously, he’s very focused and devoted to his profession.

Max: What is his name? Who does he work for? Where is he now? Are you still in contact with him? Did you take his name when you married him? Tell me about him as a man.

Reagan: William – Bill – Hamner. When we met, he was working for Halliburton and probably still is. I’m not sure where he is now because we both thought it best to just let the relationship die a natural death …too many sad memories there; neither of us felt like reliving them.

As a man …he’s very intelligent, very quick to grasp concepts and relatively patient, though he could explode at times I least expected it. If he’d not been somewhat patient, he’d never have stayed with me as long as he did. I didn’t take his name when we married. I suspect he didn’t like that but he never raised it as an issue. I don’t know why I didn’t …I don’t think it ever crossed my mind.

Max: Tell me of your marriage.

Reagan: Prior to my miscarriage, it was good enough. I know, I never told you about the miscarriage, but it didn’t come up in conversation. If that distresses you, I apologize. Bill was – is – a lot of fun when it suited his purposes. We traveled a great deal and enjoyed seeing the world together. He was always full of surprises. If he traveled on business, he always came home with gifts though I never expected it. On returning from Greece and Egypt one summer, he brought me a beautiful antique scarab he’d had set into a ring and a hand-carved cartouche, in addition to a small oil lamp that he’d found in an antique dealer’s shop in Athens. I kept telling him that he didn’t need to spend money on me; he always said he liked surprising me. I think he actually liked showing off the things he bought me more than he did giving them to me. He was somewhat materialistic. We agreed more often than not and liked the some of the same things …films, music, that sort of thing. We both wanted children. He was probably as heartbroken when I miscarried as I was, but I think men hide their emotions better in some circumstances …at least he did in that instance. That may have been in order to better support me. I felt I had failed him, and that hurt as much as losing the baby. I felt I had failed in the one thing that all women should be able to do. I was depressed for quite a while but eventually psyched myself out of it. Fortunately, I had my work, and that offered a great deal of comfort. From that point forward, we used birth control because we both felt that the substandard medical care – there was no western-trained obstetrician available - was likely a factor in the miscarriage. The hospital was first rate, but the obstetrician was not. Had it not been for the child at Quantico, we would probably still be married. Her death was more than I could take, and I withdrew.

Max: What was the power differential in the marriage?

Reagan: Financially, the power was all on his side assuming he wanted to use it, and, on occasion, he did. As a private contractor, he made more than five times what I did as an Army Captain. He never used that as a direct means to try to control me, but he wasn’t above attempting to bribe me if it suited his purpose. For my part, I would have married him if he’d been a buck private. I married for love, Maximus, not for money; I feel quite sure that I loved him more than he did me. I was supporting myself easily enough when I met him and could certainly have continued doing so. Most of what he earned went into investments, and we gave a lot of it to various charities that were important to us; I feel quite sure he still does the same, as do I, though for him it’s important as a tax write-off. We were more or less equal partners. There were occasional emotional power plays on his part. We shared domestic responsibilities; I was the better cook so I did that, and he did the laundry. We shared the housework. My uniforms were done at the base laundry and so were his shirts. We decided together where we wanted to go on holidays and turnaround leave – other than the obvious trip home to see our parents – and always had fun. It was a safe marriage, Max. I think he probably deserved a stronger woman than he got, but I can’t change how I reacted both to the miscarriage and the child. I have always had a soft spot for children. To me, they are the most important thing in life because they don’t ask to be brought here. Once we bring them into this world, we should do the best we can for them. Losing my child brought me to my knees …it took me years to stand again.

Max: Why did you divorce in Texas when you lived in Virginia? Why was it important that you be the one filing for the divorce, as you have said he was the wronged party?

Reagan: I left Quantico and came back to Texas and filed here. He stayed in Virginia until the divorce was final and then returned to Saudi. It was his suggestion that I file …he felt it would offer me some level of social protection. With him still anchored in the Middle East – he was back and forth the entire time I was at Quantico – he felt it was logical for people to assume that he was involved with a woman there, and I suspect that may have been the case - and that I had found out about it and left him for that reason.

Max: Was he faithful to you …were you faithful to him? Did you ever give him reason to doubt you?

Reagan: As far as I know, he was faithful to me though if he chose not to be, he had ample opportunity, and I would never have known about it. I was faithful to him from the day we met. If I ever gave him reason to doubt me, I don’t know what it would have been. I loved him.

Max: Were you separated a great deal while you were married?

Reagan: From the time I went to Quantico, we were together less than six months each year.

Max: How did you deal with the separations? Were you tempted to be with another man?

Reagan: I was totally immersed in my work. As an FBI profiler, I was on call, 24/7, 365. I was in the office at least 12 hours a day including weekends and often more. When I was actively working a case, I moved into the women’s dormitory at the Behavioural Sciences Unit. There was no time for being interested in another man and no energy to apply to it had I been interested. Doing my job took every ounce of strength, energy and stamina that I could muster.

Max: Was that before or after the child died?

Reagan: Both, but after she died, I spent even more time at work. When Bill was at home, I couldn’t face him because of the guilt I carried. When he was away, I couldn’t stand the silence of the empty house.

Max: Had you not had your work, would the empty days and nights have led you to betray your marriage vows?

Reagan: That’s a hypothetical question, Maximus; I don’t answer hypotheticals. I will always have my work, in some form or another. However, once I make a commitment, I honor it. I believed in my marriage vows, and can’t imagine any man – not even you – could have persuaded me to dishonor them or my husband.

Max: How am I like him? How am I different from him?

Reagan: You are more protective of me than Bill. Your strength is more quiet and solid than his. Bill always seemed to think that he should show me how strong and protective he was, as if showing me made it more real. Your strength is just …there, and as constant as the sunrise. As the marriage began to break down, the ongoing display made me claustrophobic.

Max: What do you mean by ‘showing you’ that he was protective?

Reagan: He put an enhanced security system on my car and on the house. He bought a satellite phone for me as soon as they came on the market. When he was away, he retained a private security firm to watch our house at night, as if he was afraid someone would get in …or perhaps he was afraid I would get out.

Max: In what other ways am I like your husband? How am I different from him?

Reagan: You are both kind and caring; at least he seemed kind and caring. Sometimes now I wonder about that. Family is important to both of you. It’s important to both of you to be a good provider …I think you both place part of your worth as a man on your ability to provide.

You are different from Bill in the ways that you love me and care for me …and Terry and Dino have no need to know anything other than that.

Max: Where did you live with him while you were both in Saudi Arabia …where was your marital home?

Reagan: We lived in the bachelor officers’ quarters on the base. There were less than twenty of us on site, and my CO arranged for us to have a suite of four rooms. He had connecting doors put between them to approximate an apartment as closely as possible.

Max: Why would your CO have done that?

Reagan: He realized that if there were no suitable quarters on post, I would move off post with Bill and live in the small town a few miles down the road. By that point in time, relations between the locals and the US Military were becoming strained in light of the ongoing unrest between Iran, Iraq and the States. A few threats had been made against American personnel, and he was concerned for my safety. There was ample room in the BOQ, and he got permission from the commanding General in Riyadh to make the structural changes to the suite of rooms we subsequently occupied.

Max: Again, I ask you why he would have made such an accommodation.

Reagan: I suppose he valued me as one of his officers.

Max: All good officers are valued by their commanders. Did he make such accommodation for the rest of his valued officers?

Reagan: No, he did not.

Max: There must have been another reason for his having done so for you.

Reagan: If you’re looking for a sexual connotation, there was none. He had a more compelling reason. His wife was a chronic depressive and potentially suicidal; she had made two prior attempts and failed. He was fearful that she would succeed if she tried again. I was her therapist, and he wanted me close at hand.

Max: Why could you not let go of the child’s death? There were likely others on your team who were equally culpable …that is why it is called a team. Could you not have learned from them to let her go?

Reagan: I’ve already told you that I had a miscarriage. It happened during in the second year of our marriage. I was four months pregnant. I will never forget the anguish of losing her – the baby was a girl – and I was still grieving that loss when the child died while I was at Quantico. I was the one who told her mother, and her anguish was mine. Yes, I was part of a team, but I was the profiler; I was the one making the call on when the rescue team went in, and I failed to make my position clear. Her death was my responsibility, no one else’s.

Max: Did you say that to the team? What was their reaction?

Reagan: Of course I said that to the team, and that is what I told my supervisor. We both knew it was my responsibility. The entire team was devastated. The officer who led the rescue effort had children of his own, as did almost everyone involved. We all took it very hard; I was probably harder on myself than the rest of them were on me. I was still young in the job, and I think they forgave me more than they might have otherwise because of that.

Max: What did they say …and I do not want their words. I want to know what their words meant to you.

Reagan: They tried to reassure me that we were all to blame, that the guilt was shared. I didn’t believe them then, and I don’t believe them now. She was my responsibility.

Max: What did you learn from the death of this child? What lessons have you taken from it?

Reagan: The most important lesson from the incident was to always be absolutely precise in my expectations of the team, to be sure that they understood exactly what I meant and that there was no doubt in anyone’s mind. I have learned to think carefully before issuing directives or voicing opinions. I work hard at ensuring that there is no confusion about what I might say. I think I have succeeded.

Max: What other demons trouble you? Do you have physical fears? Emotional? Spiritual? Why do you have such fears?

Reagan: We all have our demons, Maximus. Physically, my deepest fears are being raped or devoured while I am still alive …I saw first hand as a child what a shark can do to a human being, and that fed my nightmares for years. I believe that all women fear rape, so there’s nothing unusual in that. I do not fear death as I consider it only a passage to the next plane of existence; my fears lie in how that passage will come about.

Emotionally, I fear hurting someone else as I hurt Bill. My spiritual fears are minimal – if they exist at all – because of my faith.

Max: What is your spiritual faith?

Reagan: I’m a Christian. As to why I have these fears? Everyone has fears, Max. How we live with them is our measure as a man or woman.

Max: What things do you want no one to know?

Reagan: My life is an open book. I’m not proud of everything I’ve done – no one is – but there is nothing that troubles me to the point of wanting it hidden.

Max: What is your worst personal habit?

Reagan: My lust for your body.

Max: I was not being facetious.

Reagan: Neither was I.

Max: Then I shall ask that question in a different manner. What is it about you that most annoys Diana?

Reagan: The fact that I quote lines in films slightly before the characters say them because I’ve usually read the books before they were adapted to screenplays. But if you want a serious response, and I know you do, she often feels that I try to one-up her. If I am doing so, I’m not consciously aware of it, but it still annoys her.

Max: What is your greatest regret?

(Her answer told me - beyond any doubt – that had she conceived this last spring, she would never have considered termination of the pregnancy.)

Reagan: That I do not have a child.

Max: When you are angry, how do others know?

Reagan: I become very quiet. My voice becomes lower, softer than usual, and I enunciate with extreme precision. If one is looking for physical signs, I get very pale but for a carotid flush up the sides of my neck and the backs of my cheeks. If they continue to push, my words become very bitter. I can do greater damage with words than most could do with a sword.

Max: How do you act on your anger?

Reagan: That depends on the nature of my anger and what caused it. If I feel I have been betrayed or ill used, I distance myself from the person; basically, they cease to exist for me. If it is a passing thing, I get over it quickly, but if it is something that is truly important to me, and we can’t find a mutual ground, I remove myself from their life.

Max: Would that imply carrying out a vendetta?

Reagan: It would imply that I will no longer put myself in a position to wound them again or to be wounded in return because at that point, I would have already inflicted a near mortal wound. Having done that, I go on with my life because they cease to exist for me.

Max: So, you serve your revenge coldly.

Reagan: Yes, I do. I see no point in carrying the open hostility further, as it serves no purpose and serves only to diminish all concerned.

Max: Noted. Tell me of any injuries you have sustained and your general state of health.

Reagan: Do I need to include the usual childhood mishaps?

Max: Anything from your childhood that is currently significant. Other than that, only current information.

Reagan: No broken bones. I had a mountain climbing accident in Switzerland when I was married and was on crutches for two months to allow the injury to heal. To date, I’ve had no problems resulting from it, nor do I anticipate any. Before I became a full time profiler, I was a member of one of the rescue units. I took a bullet through my left side just above the waist – you’ve seen the scar. It was a clean injury, through-and-through; I was out of the hospital in three days.

Max: How did you deal with the pain from the wound?

Reagan: I was on prescription pain medication while I was in the hospital; the doctor ordered me to take it. When I left the hospital, I never filled the prescription given me for continuation of the medication and took aspirin if I needed it. I have a high tolerance for pain. The aspirin that I took in May when you brought them to me for cramps, I took only because you seemed so concerned. I would never have taken them otherwise; the bottle you took them from is nearing its expiration date.

Max: What do you like most about yourself?

Reagan: My mind …my cognitive processing abilities, being able to see the component parts of a problem and derive an appropriate solution. I treasure the knowledge that I’ve acquired over the years …I could probably go through at least a dozen books almost verbatim if I had the time to do so. I can happily occupy myself for extremely long periods of time just by thinking and analyzing what’s stored in my head. I have a wonderful imagination and an accompanying ability to escape the present by retreating to my inner world.

Max: Do you consider yourself to be strongly political?

Reagan: That depends on the issue.

Max: What issues are most important to you?

Reagan: Civil liberty and human rights. I support the individual’s right to privacy, right to own property without interference from the government, right of association, freedom of speech and expression, and the right to worship freely – or not – as the individual feels necessary. I support a woman’s right to control her reproductive capability; that is a moral issue and – in my opinion - should never have entered the political arena. I detest discrimination and the stigmatization of individuals or groups who are less valued by those in power than others.

Max: Close relationships since university …names, dates and duration, whether or not you are still in contact with the individuals concerned and the nature of the relationships. Start with the ones that are current.

Reagan: I have few close friends as I seem to have educated myself out of many of my earlier relationships. Dee is my closest friend and has been since shortly after we met four years ago. You know my relationship with you. I have casual friendships with three professors at the university, one man – a professor of Civil Liberties – and two women. One of them is another psychology professor, the second, an English professor. I’m also friends with our campus librarian …we met when she asked me what my major was after noting that I checked out books on every conceivable topic. She didn’t know I was faculty because I so rarely wear my ID badge.

Following my divorce, I retreated into a shell and immersed myself in my work. I saw no one for almost a year unless it was at school. Aside from “professional” dates for school functions – and there haven’t been many of those - I have dated three men with varying degrees of seriousness between my divorce and meeting you. Bob Harmon bred Golden Retrievers, and we met at a dog show. We dated for several months, but it was never serious; I never slept with him. That’s probably why the relationship died. There was an attorney – Wes Marshall - who rear-ended me on a rain-slick street early last year, and while he was fun, he was recently divorced and too needy for me to be serious about him. He needed a mother, and I didn’t need a grown child. No sex in that relationship either. The one I took most seriously was Kurt Roberts. He was the orthopedic surgeon who did my mother’s hip replacement several years ago. He had a wonderful personality, which is rare for a surgeon, enjoyed the opera and an occasional film and had season tickets for the Dallas Cowboys’ games …common interests. We broke up because he wanted to marry me, and while I was very fond of him, I didn’t want to marry him. I loved him but wasn’t in love with him. We slept together for less than a month. I broke it off because it would have been cruel to string him along. Until you came along, we still had dinner or saw a film from time to time but nothing more. Is that enough to keep Terry and Dino titillated?

Max: Military service is still comparatively unusual for a woman. How did you feel in so male-dominated a culture?

Reagan: I had no difficulty with it at all. I have always liked a sense of order …you’ve seen my shopping cart and pantry, and you live in my house, Maximus. The order and chain of command fit very well with my own methodology. I liked the predictability in terms of knowing that there was an underlying logic behind everything we did. I may not always like doing something, but if you can appeal to my sense of logic for doing it, I’ll comply with very little – if any – argument.

As for living in a male-dominated society, that was easy. Military men – senior officers, at least - tend to be logical; women are sometimes less so. I’ve always gotten on well with men because I’m pragmatic and not given to emotional outbursts; as far as I know, I fit into the system very well. I believe that I did, and the way the men I worked with treated me indicated they thought I slotted into the system easily. My gender was never an issue, not while I was on active duty and not while I was at Quantico. My fitness reports were uniformly excellent.

Max: Why do you so often dress only in black?

Reagan: Three reasons. First, I’m basically lazy and dressing to impress others had never been something that was important to me. I have several pair of black jeans and several black sweaters, and I rotate them. I always know what I’m going to wear to work, which means I can sleep 45 minutes later than the woman who spends that time trying to decide what she’s wearing that day. The second reason is that always dressing the same makes it very easy for my students to find me in crowded hallways and on a large campus. I’m the only blond professor at SMU who is always dressed in black. Third, if I’m always dressed the same, my students are concentrating on what I’m saying rather than what I’m wearing that day.

Max: What – if anything – would make you be unfaithful to me?

Reagan: Define your concept of unfaithful.

Max: What would make you be physically unfaithful to me?

Reagan: In truth, I can’t think of anything that could make me betray your trust in that manner, which means we’re back to hypotheticals. Given that I know Terry and Dino expect an answer, I’ll do the best I can. Even if I learned that you were unfaithful to me, I wouldn’t break your trust to get even with you. I don’t play games with love, Maximus. I never have, and I don’t intend starting in the future. I would be terribly wounded if I learned that you had been unfaithful to me, but hurting you in return would not make be feel any better. If anything, my own perfidy would make me feel worse.

(I wondered what Terry and Dino’s thoughts would be on her adroit turning the subject of infidelity from herself to me.)

Max: You have told me that your grief at the loss of your child and that of the child while you were at Quantico debilitated you. What would you do should I be killed while on an assignment? Would you accept support from Terry and Dino?

Reagan: I would survive, though I would likely grieve your loss for the rest of my life. As for accepting support from Terry and Dino, why should I? I have my own income and my own investments. I don’t need their money. They know I’m financially stable; why would they even think I needed their help?

Max: Would you accept emotional support from them? Would you accept them in your life in my absence?

Reagan: Their support would mean a great deal to me during the worst of my grief and during the period of my transition to life without you. I hope that we could remain close as they would be the only link I would have to you. However, life does go on, and eventually, we would probably drift apart. Only time would answer that question.

*

“Can you forgive me for their intrusion into your life?” She left her chair and knelt before me, taking my hands in her own.

“There is nothing to forgive, Maximus. You have done what was asked of you and so have I. I would have preferred that Terry and Dino not felt the need for this but I do understand their reasons. In their position, I feel sure I would have done the same. They are not responsible only for themselves and for you …there are more than two dozen men involved, and they all deserve to know that they don’t risk betrayal by a predatory woman or, in Jeff Mitchell’s case, a self-serving man.”

She saw so clearly the reasons for this action, and I marveled at her composure. Had I been in her position, I would have been enraged at the slur to my honour. Perhaps her composure is generic to the female sex, though considering some of the women I have known, I doubt that. However, if that should truly be the case, the women of this world have an advantage over men that we can never overcome. I looked down at her, still in her position in front of me, a plan taking shape in my mind.

“I will report to Terry and Dino tomorrow and give them the tape. It is my hope that when they hear it, their questions will be at an end.” She nodded and rose to sit beside me, moving into my arms as I opened them to receive her.