Girl Talk
by
Diana Walker and Reagan Kavanagh
This
work of adult fiction, loosely based on
characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and
experiences;
you have been warned. No
copyright
infringement on the original work is intended.
© Diana Walker and Reagan Kavanagh 2007.
REAGAN
“I don’t know what’s going on with him, Dee, but if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass, I’m going to kick it up between his shoulders.” The way her eyes cut round to me said it wasn’t just the Espan household that was seeing strange behaviours of late.
“Max, too? Terry’s been squirrelly ever since we got home from London.
“He’s preoccupied …well, more so than is usual for him. You know Max. He spends half his life in contemplation, and I’m accustomed to that, but lately he just seems distant.”
“Elaborate on distant.”
“It’s as though he’s lost in the fog somewhere but isn’t sure if he wants to find his way out of it. I’ll tell him something and half-an-hour later he asks me about what I said, and it’s as if he’s totally clueless and hearing it for the first time. I’m the one who’s supposed to be forgetful because I’m pregnant, but he’s off in la-la land half the time these days.”
“Maybe he’s feeling guilty about having left you for so long when he had to go press the flesh.” I shook my head.
“That isn’t it. I know his I’m-sorry-I-had-to-be-away routine, and this isn’t it. Is there something going on with the firm that I’ve missed?”
“Not to my knowledge. Well, no more so than usual, and if something is going on, I’m as clueless as you are.”
“You said Terry’s been goofy …what’s up with him?”
“Preoccupied. Pushy. Testy. All totally out of character for him. He’s even more intense, if you can believe that.”
It was Friday, and Dee
“Okay, we all know about Dino’s little escapade ….”
“That’s one word for it, and I’m still ready to throttle Melody.”
“If Terry wasn’t home every night, I’d wonder if he was screwing around on me.”
“Same here, but Max drives up the lane every evening promptly between seven and seven-fifteen. No lipstick on his collar or his dipstick, no lingering hint of perfume I don’t wear, no hair that isn’t obviously mine or the dogs’ on his clothing, nothing. And really, Dee,
“I know. That’s what makes it so strange. There’s absolutely nothing I can put my finger on with Terry, but he’s just not Terry right now. By the way, how’s Max’s hand?”
“He’s seeing the therapist twice a week now, and the mobility is improving. His finger is still too swollen to wear his ring, and that pisses him off no end. The orthopaedist and I – as well as the therapist – have told him it will take six months to a year before the swelling subsides enough to safely put his ring on again. I offered my own example of when Okie bit me a couple of years ago, and all that got me was an it-is-not-the-same comment. Hey, I noticed Terry’s not wearing his little-bit ring any longer? What’s up with that?”
“With Dino and him doing most of the travelling since you got pregnant, I told him to take it off. It’s just too distinctive if someone was trying to identify him. He put it on his key ring, so it’s always with him.”
“That’s likely a good idea. You know, the day Max broke his hand I tried to get him to take his ring off before we left and leave it here. He said no. I told him about my dad having lost his ring finger in a drilling rig accident the year he and my mom were married, and Max still said no.”
“I didn’t know your dad lost a finger.”
“Oh, yeah. He was on the rig floor and caught his ring on a snagged piece of drill chain when they were trying to loosen it. When they got it free and the chain tightened, it ripped his finger off at the base. The silly SOB retrieved the bloody – literally! – glove, removed the finger from it, took his wedding ring off it, and stuck the ring in his pocket. He had it resized and wore it on his right hand until he died.”
“I didn’t think your parents had all that good a marriage.”
“They didn’t. It was symbolic of stability to my dad. His perspective was that a responsible man was married, and the ring told everyone that he had done his social duty and accepted his responsibility as a man by getting married. It was always about what other people thought of him; that’s the thing that was most important to him. Those other people should have had a little chat with me and my mum.”
“That didn’t convince Max not to wear his ring when he’s doing manual labor?”
“Nope. His response was ‘Such things happen.’ I suppose he’s seen too many men missing arms and legs to worry about fingers. I gave up, and we both know the result.”
“Think he’ll be more careful in the future?”
“Think you’re going to sprout wings and fly?” We were both laughing as I hauled myself from my chair and went to get another cup of coffee.
DIANA
“Terry has another reason for acting weird.” I didn’t know if I could bring myself to actually tell Reags about this. She tilted her head to the side and waited. She and Max are rubbing off on each other; her head tilt is now exactly like his.
“He’s talking about getting married.”
Two weeks earlier at TheHawthorne
TERRY
True to his word, Dino had told Diana about his affair with Melody. She’d been very quiet since that day, and I was worried. I hadn’t appreciated his putting the nail of doubt into the coffin of my campaign of convincing her to marry me. She knew something was going on whilst he was in hospital despite my best efforts – or perhaps because of them – to keep her away, and learning of his indiscretion dragged her back into distrust. I was very pleased when she finally decided the breach of faith between Dino and Ellie had nothing to do with me; she came to that conclusion on her own. There had been a few dicey moments when she finally asked me about it.
She wanted to know if she was the last to learn of his affair with Melody. Dino had asked to be the one to tell her, and I’d honoured his request. I told her she was as I’d tried to shield her from it. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I had wanted to shield her from it, primarily for self-interest rather than a true desire to protect Dino.
My own selfish desire was that I didn’t want Diana any where near thinking on someone else’s indiscretions and projecting them onto how easily she might think I could be led astray.
Christ, I’d likely have married her at the end of our first weekend together. I knew it would have been complicated, but her complications are part of why I love her as I do. I didn’t like the baggage she carried, but I have enough faith in myself that I knew given time, I could overcome a great deal of that baggage. I didn’t know how long that would take, but I didn’t care. I am a patient man …personally as well as professionally.
Let me take that back. I wasn’t ready to marry her that soon, but when Diana had risked being so open in her interrogation knowing I would see it, I thought we might have a chance at happiness together. I’ve been round Max long enough that I suppose for a while there prior to meeting Diana, I started thinking marriage does include children, but that changed soon enough. As long as we’re together, the rest of it isn’t important. As long as Diana’s at my side, the world is right.
Diana doesn’t need me in her life – she was more than content before we met – but I wanted her to need me. That was a challenge because she’s so bloody independent. She’s always seemed to be of the notion that relying on a man – even for comfort – somehow diminished her independence; hopefully, she now realises that isn’t the case. She’d actually started asking for my help on the night of the storm.
I think perhaps I’ve helped with some of the baggage she carries; once she finally opened up and talked with me about parts of it, she relaxed quite a bit. She still carries the hurt with her, but I think I’ve made it better because I’ve made it very clear her past has not followed her into our life.
One of the things I so love about her is that she’s finally come to the place where she’s forthright with me. She speaks her mind, no sugar-coating allowed. She’s smart and funny and hard all at the same time. I suspect those attributes are a function of the time she spent in the corporate and defence worlds. Women don’t survive those environments unless they’re at the top of their game; she’d done a good deal more than just survive.
Christ knows she’s a challenge; she was the night I met her, and that’s not changed. She keeps me from getting stale and not just in our relationship. Her insightfulness had made me not only a better professional but a better man. She’s forced me to trot out the list of my own insecurities, take a hard look, and put them to rest as much as is possible for me ever to do. Diana’s helped with slaying some of my ghosts.
Part of the challenge that is Diana was her ability to keep me at an emotional arm’s length for as long as she did. It took her for-bloody-ever to let me in and confide in me. Our ability to miscommunicate is legend …that bollocks-up the night before we learnt Max had been abducted is likely one for the record books. We rocked through most of the period Max was held captive with her thinking we’d not finished sorting things out because getting him home was everyone’s priority. I was busy thinking she’d given me the gate.
She’s my partner and equal in every way imaginable but for the legal one.
DIANA
“Diana, we’ve talked all the way round this. None of my hints have led you into the conversation. We need to talk about marriage, and I’m not interested in another recitation of your ‘we’re fine the way we are’ litany. I know we’ve said we’re permanent, and we are, but I want the ring on your finger and the marriage certificate. It’s the altar boy in me; I need the sacrament.”
“Terry, I don’t have a thing to say …I won’t say no, but I can’t say yes either. You told me after Reags and Max’s wedding you weren’t interested in getting married. What made you change your mind?” My hand was shaking in his.
He was silent a long time. He was calculating the odds of what reasons he could give that would get him the result he wanted – me to say yes to a proposal he hadn’t offered me yet.
I used his line that he uses on me with devastating effectiveness. “Tell me.”
“I never ruled marriage out as an option. I focussed on what we needed then. We needed, you needed to hear I was committed to you; you weren’t ready for more then.”
“So you got sneaky and kept throwing in subliminal ideas about marriage after that. What do you want me to say about getting married? Most people we know socially assume we’re married; our friends don’t care. In several states we’re already married under common law.”
“There is nothing common about you, Lady, or what we mean to each other. Our marriage won’t be common either. We’ve never held ourselves out to be married so we aren’t considered common law in the State of Texas
“Terry, I’ve never even thought about marriage since my early twenties, not even to you.”
“Yes, you have. You’ve talked about what we’d fight over if we divorced. By definition, there has to have been a marriage before there can be a divorce.”
“Then it was my subconscious; some of your psych warfare got through. As an adult woman, I’ve never consciously thought about getting married. I’d have to change even more than I have already, and the thought of that scares me. You’d expect me to be the little woman.” The hand that was holding mine let go, and his jaw tightened.
“I’d never expect that, and I’d never want that from you.”
“Can you honestly tell me you didn’t expect that of Marjorie?”
“I did – and it was what she’d been trained into by her mum – but I’ve also done a lot of growing up since then.”
“Past performance, Baby. It’s the best predictor of future behaviour.” As a warped mark of our development as a couple, I was willing to meet him anger for anger.
“What in bloody hell do you have against marriage, Diana?”
“I’m afraid I won’t be good at it. Remember? I’m not good at relationships, or have you managed to forget that?”
“You’ve been good at ours.”
“That’s more your doing than mine.”
“Why do you think that?”
“You’ve made it easy for me to love you. You haven’t pressured me on anything, you’ve let me stumbple around in the dark until I got to my own truth.”
TERRY
Stumbple …I think we just added another word to her vocabulary.
“Love doesn’t have to be hard, Diana.” I leant back and shoved my hand in my pocket, feeling the ring there. At least I’d have been prepared if I’d got the answer I wanted. I rubbed it …you have to stay hidden a bit longer, Love. I was talking to the thing as if it was live the way Diana talks to the mower when it’s being recalcitrant.
“Sometimes love just isn’t enough. How would we make it work?” At least she was asking how we’d make it work. There was hope.
“The same way we’ve made living together work.”
“Marriage changes people, Terry. You’ve told me that. I don’t know that I want to change any more.”
“Am I asking you to change?”
“You aren’t …marriage would.”
“Diana, it’s simply two names on a piece of paper.”
“Then why is it so important to you?”
She won’t like my answers, or she’ll laugh herself silly. “I’m a parochial bastard. I want you as my wife; the permanence of it appeals to me. I want my ring on your finger to ward off the other blokes.”
“What other blokes? Even before you came along, I worked around mostly males, and because of that, I wouldn’t find a mate in the workplace; I’d seen too many messy office romances to get into one myself. Nothing in my life put me in contact with any eligible men. Now the only time I’m around likely men, I’m obviously with you, and none of them are willing to take you on. There are no other men.” Her sceptical tone did not deter me.
“I’m also an egotistical bastard.” I winced at her nod, but her hand sliding under my shirt took the sting out.
“I think you are the most beautiful, perfect woman in the world.” I know that her own inner voice won’t accept that statement without the phrase ‘for me’ added; she does not believe in absolutes.
“I want the rest of the world ….” She knows me too well. “All right, I want the rest of the men in the world to know that I won.” I should have known she’d be ready for that one.
“I don’t need to make that statement. The women in the world already know that I have the best man around. It doesn’t stop them from going after you.” We laughed remembering the Carole Swearingen story I’d told her when she was in Washington.
I needed to end this, at least for the moment. I’d have to bring up getting married again as Diana wouldn’t feel the need to bring up why we shouldn’t. Then again, perhaps I could manoeuvre her into bringing up the subject; I’ll have to think on that.
“We’re at an impasse for now, Diana, but we will talk about it again when you’re ready.”
“That’s another thing I’m afraid of.” At least she was laughing when she said it.
Present Day at Elysium’s Gate
REAGAN
What I wanted to say after her simple statement that Terry was talking about marriage was, ‘And you didn’t fucking throw yourself at him and say YES? Just how fucking stupid are you?’ I wanted to shriek and rail ‘He’s the best man you’ve ever known! He loves you! You love him! So fucking what that the man hasn’t asked you a direct question? What’s so hard about doing what you both want, even if you can’t consciously acknowledge it?’ Depending on her answer, we’d make record time to the office for her to say ‘yes’ to Terry, or I’d beat her senseless. She’d chalk my rant up to my pregnancy.
My calmer side kicked in and controlled the hormonal surge. My voice was actually very well modulated when I spoke. I was proud of myself. “And marriage is a problem because …?”
I should have known she’d go for deflection. “It may be right for some people, but I’m not sure it’s right for me.”
I give up. Poor Terry. Dee
“Don’t overanalyse it. Don’t make him wait too long. And for Christ’s sake, don’t push him away!”
She can be so pigheaded when she doesn’t want to think about something, and she changed the subject. “Did I tell you about the night Terry brought Dino home for dinner unannounced?”
“No. I can’t say you did, but if you’re bringing it up now, there had to be something more unusual than Dino popping in for dinner.”
“Remember those bustiers Max and Terry got for us after you got married? Of course you got pregnant so fast that you probably didn’t work your way through the collection. The up side is that once the baby’s born, they’ll be great for getting you back into shape …they’ll compress you back into form."
“I remember …and I did get through all of mine. Max made very sure of that! Why the Hell do you think I ‘got pregnant so fast?’”
“Well, I only drag one of mine out on special nights.” I wondered what she considered a ‘special night.’ “And as I’d been working on sitting trot with the horses all day that was to have been a very special night.”
“Sitting forward, were you?”
“Shut up. But yes, though it wasn’t far enough forward and not long enough. Do you remember the red satin, half-cupped one?”
“How could I forget?”
“I was finishing up making dinner and looking forward to a very romantic evening. All I had on were the bustier, lace thigh-highs, and my five-inchers ….”
“To go with Terry’s eight-incher?”
“…and I heard the door open and Dino’s voice. Fortunately, Dino hung back talking to Holly, and Terry got to the kitchen first.”
“Didn’t Terry have the decency to shove you into the mud room?”
“He didn’t have to; his big old body covered any sight of me. He even covered my arms with his!”
“I know Dino couldn’t have been more than three feet behind him!”
“This time, he was, thank God and Holly. And you’re interrupting my story. Terry leaned down and whispered in my ear, ‘Some night for you to surprise me.’”
“With the demi-cups, I don’t need to ask where his hands were.”
“There was still enough blood going to his brain that he thought to yell at Dino and tell him we were out of wine. I think Dino got the message because he shouted back that he couldn’t possibly have dinner some place that was out of wine. The last we heard from him that night was the front door closing …he didn’t come back.”
“I’ll bet Terry calls from the car now if he’s bringing anyone home. What time was dinner?”
“Six the next morning.”
“Please tell me you remembered to turn off the stove. And is it hot in here, or is it just me?” Max would get attacked when he walked in the door tonight, even though Terry was with him; I’d just shove him and Dee toward the guest room. The increased estrogen level of pregnancy will do that for you. We laughed, and she looked at my protruding belly.
“Now that you’re pregnant, what’s happening in your love life, or has that come to a screeching halt?” I forced myself to laugh. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that the old Roman in Max had ‘decreed’ no more sex until after the baby was born; it was too painful to discuss even with my dearest friend. We’re just as bad as men; we’re willing to brag a little when we’re getting laid regularly but not terribly open when we’re not.
“Let’s just say we aren’t as active as we have been in the past. I’m tired a lot, and the baby’s big enough that he or she is getting in the way of any substantial activity. Max is too much of a gentleman to push me when I don’t feel up to the exertion.” Whether she read my comment for the subtext is something I don’t know. I do know that she didn’t pursue the topic. Perhaps I could direct the conversation back to her.
“Should I give Max a nudge toward talking to Terry about women not beating down doors for a wedding ring these days? Terry might relax a bit if Max reminded him of how long it took me to cave.”
“I don’t know …and I’m not at all sure that would make Terry feel any better. I know I hurt him he last time he brought up the topic; he may never bring it up again. He’ll have to get over his wounded pride first, and you know how long that’s likely to be.” If I know Terry, it’s likely to be when Hell freezes before he takes a serious run at it again, but he’ll keep pitching subtle reminders.
Fortunately for the deterioration of our conversation, Dee's
MAXIMUS
“Please tell me Reags has started nesting.” Nesting? That was a word I had not heard previously.
“I have no idea. What is nesting?”
“Getting the baby’s room ready, fussing more over you, rearranging the articles on top of the bathroom vanity, wanting furniture moved, laying in stocks of groceries, telling you that you need a more healthy diet so you’re around long enough to see this child grown and married …that sort of thing.”
“Ah …two weeks past she commented that having lunch from a fast-food take-out and eating at my desk was not in my best interest.”
“She’s nesting …thank Christ.”
“Why are you concerned with Cassandra’s behaviour?”
“Because it’s rubbing off on Diana; it’s called rabbiting, Mate, and I’m not referring to Diana’s horse.”
Rabbiting? My vocabulary was being expanded this day.
“What is rabbiting?”
“When women live together or when groups of women who work together are good mates, they often start cycling together …they bleed at the same time of the month because their hormones start matching up.”
“How can one woman’s hormones affect that of her friends?”
“It seems to be the Alpha bitch thing. The woman in the group with the highest level of estrogen sends out pheromones that the other women’s bodies respond to, and they start cycling with her. When there’s a pregnant woman in the midst, she always has the highest estrogen level, and it impacts the behaviour of the women closest to her. Reags and Diana spend at least three days a week together now, often more, and Diana’s beginning to nest.”
“Are you sure she isn’t with child?”
“That’s not possible, Max.”
“Why not? She is not yet past her fertile years.”
“It isn’t an issue of her fertility …you never read the transcript of Reags’ interview with Diana, did you?”
I shook my head. “It did not concern me; such things are private. If you were satisfied, I had no need to know the details.”
Terry sighed and looked out the window for a time before turning back to me. “Diana can’t have children, Max. She was in a car crash whilst at uni. A piece of metal went through her belly and severed her uterine artery. They had to do a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and save her life.”
I felt the tears gather in my eyes; I grieved for both of them. “I did not know, Terry. I extend my regrets to both of you; you would have been good parents.”
He smiled before speaking. “Well, it’s isn’t all bad. I don’t have to deal with being cut off three or four days a month, her PMS is tolerable, and she’s still a few years short of menopause.”
I did know what the terms PMS and menopause meant, but if she had lost her ability to bear children, why were those things relevant?
“I do not understand. If she no longer bleeds, how can she have PMS, and what does menopause have to do with her?”
“She still has her ovaries, Max, so she still cycles just like Reags does, and she’ll go through menopause just like Reags will. She lost the ability to carry children; everything else is the same, most of all the bloody moodiness that women seem to have. When she gets really bad, I shove chocolate at her, and that seems to work. Mate, we may have a rough few years ahead of us when their ovaries shut down. I just hope that’s a long while in the future. Perhaps once Diana’s gone through menopause we’ll get to the same body thermostat setting. I’m getting tired of being her personal foot warmer.”
“That may be, but we must first survive their childbearing years. Will Diana ‘rabbit’ with her each time Cassandra is with child?”
“Probably …but for the morning sickness, thank God. Max, you may have got lucky this time. I’m not aware of your having sympathetic morning sickness with Reags, but you may with any future pregnancies. It’s not uncommon for that to happen. Has Reags had any strange food cravings?”
I smiled. I would not divulge her specific cravings during the time she had carried the child we lost, but I would not lie. “A few. Please do not ask me to relate them; I should not enjoy pulling the car to the side of the road to avoid being ill whilst driving.”
He laughed. “That bad, eh?”
“That bad. What has Diana done that leads you to believe she is nesting?”
“She’s been shopping.”
“Diana – that most frugal of women – is spending your money? What has she purchased?”
“New sheets and towels and a bread-maker. Reags taught her to make bread. The bloody thing is sitting on the island – it’ll likely never be used and become another dust-catcher – but it’s there.”
“She may yet utilise it. I should not abandon hope were I you. Do watch for hot-cross buns made with olives.”
The look on his face was most sceptical. “The best one yet is the new love seat for our bedroom. You’re going to like this story.” I smiled as I drove and awaited his recitation.
He seemed to change his mind. “On second thought, we’ll be at your place in a tic. Let Diana tell you because she doesn’t realise she’s nesting. You deserve to have her re-enact it for you.”
TERRY
“Go on, Diana. Tell Max about the new love seat.” Reags turned to look at Diana, her mouth open in shock.
“You bought a new love seat and didn’t tell me?” Diana had the good grace to blush.
“Well, I was in Whitey ….” I couldn’t let that pass.
“She’s named the new truck I got for her. It’s a Dodge Cummins Diesel dually like Ellie’s, and ….” Reags mouth fell open again.
“You have a new truck and didn’t tell me that either? You’ve been here all bloody day and said nothing? What’s wrong with you, Dee?”
“Do you want to hear this story or not?” Definitely nesting …now she’s getting pissy. At least Maxie and I are here to break up the fight if they get into it. I hate to say this, but if they do get into it, my money’s on Reags. Her hormone levels are much higher than Diana’s at this point.
“And you’ve been so busy with all the baby stuff – not to mention what you’ve had me doing – that I hadn’t gotten around to it! Now, do you want to hear this story or not?”
“I want to hear it.” The fight is delayed for the time being.
“I was on my way down here and planned to show you the new truck as a surprise; you have to come up to the house to see the new horse trailer that goes with it. I passed one of the big furniture stores – they were having a sale – so I stopped and went in to see what they had. They had this really pretty, mud-colored – well, it’s a light mud color – loveseat, just sitting there. There’s been nothing in front of the bedroom windows since the storm when the tree came through the roof and took the chair out, and I haven’t seen anything I liked until now. This love seat was just calling my name!”
Our bedroom …my money …and the love seat called her name.
“It was such a good deal and was so comfortable when I was sitting on it, and it’s just as comfortable lying down on it.”
The bed’s sway-backed and falling apart, she won’t go bed and mattress shopping with me, but she’ll lie down on a love seat in a bloody furniture shop.
“If they hadn’t had one in the warehouse in the back of the store, I wouldn’t have bought it. But they did, so I did …it was preordained that I have this love seat!” Max nodded as he spoke.
“I can see that might be an omen.” The look he gave me said this wasn’t a funny story.
“She’s not got to the funny part, Mate.”
“The guys loaded it into the truck for me, and I drove home. Remember Reags? That was the day I called and told you I couldn’t make it. I was going to surprise you with the truck.” That got her a scowl from Reags.
“I remember. That was the day I was counting on you to help me reorganise the kitchen cabinets.”
“Your fucking cabinets don’t NEED reorganizing, Reags!” Diana was getting testy – again.
Max is right; Reags is a ‘Stepford Wife.’
“What I didn’t count on was that when I got home, everyone in the neighbourhood had left for the high school’s away game. There I was with this damn love seat in the back of the truck, and I had to get it in the house by myself.” Practical Max asked the obvious question.
“Why did you not wait until Terry got home?”
“What? He wasn’t due home for three days. Besides, it was supposed to rain that night. Let it get wet in the open truck bed? I don’t think so! I got the hay dolly from the barn; I figured I could get one end of it on that and kind of push it along and get it into the house with the ramps Bill built for Terry so it wouldn’t get scuffed up. Getting it into the front door was easy …the bedroom door was another story. First I had to vacuum, and I hadn’t counted on that, but first, I had to pick up Terry’s clothes, so maybe vacuuming was second.”
I’d not thought on that. I’d not realised that I was leaving my clothes lying round. I do recall Marjorie giving me bloody hell when she was pregnant for not picking up my clothes. Perhaps I’m getting more casual and adopting Diana’s ways? Dear God in Heaven …I’m nesting along with Max. The estrogen overflow has got me in its tenacious hold.
“Anyway, once I got all that done, ….” Max was fighting not to smile, and Reags was nodding in understanding. I knew better than to laugh; Diana wouldn’t take Max’s head off if he did. I was another matter entirely, and I kept my poker face intact.
“I started measuring the door and then the love seat. I had a bit of a problem. I’d intended to get it through the door with the arm-side going in first …it was too wide, and I couldn’t get it through. I measured the back, and it was too wide to go in upright, and the only way it would fit was to turn it sideways. The really nice thing about that is that it was so wedged in the door that I could step on the back and over it to the bedroom and pull it in.”
If she uses any iteration of ‘get it in’ once more, I’m going to toss her on the floor right here in Max and Reags’ lounge. I’ll show her how to ‘get it in.’ I’ll prove to all of them that I’ve escaped estrogen’s voracious tentacles. She was completely oblivious to my thought process.
“What I really hadn’t counted on was having to move the TV so that I could turn the loveseat kitty-cornered to get it all the way into the room.” She did it again …. “That meant I had to unhook all the cables from the TV and DVD player, but at least the TV stand’s on rollers. Of course, the TV’s so heavy that it almost tipped over a couple of times.” Max finally lost his iron control and laughed aloud; even Reags was grinning.
I looked at him and shook my head. “Just wait, Mate. It’s gets better.”
“So once I got all the shit out of the way, and I got it turned slanch-wise, it still got kind of stuck in the door. I was getting so frustrated that I sat down on the hearth and had a good cry.”
A good cry? Christ, I’d no idea she’d reached that level of nesting.
“I was not going to let a dumb piece of furniture get the best of me, so I crawled over it again, got back in the hallway, and noticed the end that was still sticking out was five or six inches off the floor. Since it was that far off the floor, I thought I’d try tipping it up and see if I could get it through the door that way. It got beyond its center of gravity and was sitting upside down in the bedroom. Obviously, I was making more progress with it going end-over-end, so I ‘endo-ed’ it over to the windows, got the arm close to where I wanted it to be, and tipped it forward. Voila!
“I let the dogs in, and the first thing Okie did was run over and mark it.”
That little bastard! He pissed on our brand new piece of furniture.
“I’d already sat on it, and Holly jumped up beside me and made herself comfortable. I was so glad when Terry got home early.”
I held up one finger to Max …wait for the punch line.
“I think I sat there too long because when Terry got home and came over to get me up, I was so sore, I couldn’t straighten up. I still looked like I was sitting but on my feet instead of my arse.” Max and Reags erupted in laughter.
“I told her it was a good job we have a fully stocked vet clinic in the barn. After half-a-quart of horse liniment and several hours of massage, she could walk up right. It was three days before she could straighten up without help.”
MAXIMUS
Diana is as determined – and stubborn – as my wife. Cassandra at last managed to stop laughing.
“Jesus, I wish I’d been there with a camcorder. I’d have been the easy $10,000 winner on World’s Funniest Home Videos.” I am glad she was not; she would have insisted on helping and done herself an injury. I suddenly realised that I worry over her constantly; perhaps I, too, am nesting.
“It would never have been aired. There were far too many swear words for them to bleep.”
“Yeah, but I could have used it to keep you in line for years!” Terry shook his head as he spoke.
“I was anticipating coming home to the Naked Maja. Instead, the moaning in passion I was hoping to hear was replaced by moans of pain and a woman who walked like a crone for three days.”
“Reags, since you’re bitching about me not telling you things, let me tell you about our new TV. All that was required to move the damn thing was to slide the stand straight back, but that was too easy for Mr. Macho. At least we can hide the hole in the plaster from the 800-pound TV smacking into it with the new widescreen that’s now hanging over the hole. If I didn’t know Terry as well as I do, I’d think he did it on purpose.”
We all burst into laughter, even Terry. I must consult him on prices of wide-screen television sets, as we shall require one for our bedroom and the lounge once we move into the new house. Perhaps one receives a discount if one purchases two.
It is shameful to admit, but Cassandra and I took undue advantage of having Terry andDee stay overnight at the farm.
We had already begun packing up unused items
– such as summer clothing now that autumn was here
– and not yet moved the boxes
to the storage shed until the new house was completed.
Cassandra was not allowed to lift anything
heavier than a coffee pot, so we three carted boxes from the house to
the shed
for half-an-hour before Diana and Cassandra began preparing dinner.
Terry and I were exiled to the lounge with
beer and caught up on the day’s news until our ladies
rejoined us.
I began to notice an aroma coming from the kitchen. It was one unfamiliar to me, and I looked at my wife.
“What are you preparing for dinner? I do not recognise the aroma.”
“Actually, it’s a combination of recipes …General Tsao’s Chicken with Spicy Peanut Sauce.”
I saw Terry’s eyebrows go up in shock and heard Diana’s whispered comment as my wife returned to the kitchen.
“It didn’t sound that good to me either, but she’s Irish and her temper is intact. Even if I ran, she’s still nimble enough to hit me upside my head with her cast iron skillet!”
All of us will be heartily glad when this child is born.
NOTES
REAGAN
“I don’t know what’s going on with him, Dee, but if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass, I’m going to kick it up between his shoulders.” The way her eyes cut round to me said it wasn’t just the Espan household that was seeing strange behaviours of late.
“Max, too? Terry’s been squirrelly ever since we got home from London.
“He’s preoccupied …well, more so than is usual for him. You know Max. He spends half his life in contemplation, and I’m accustomed to that, but lately he just seems distant.”
“Elaborate on distant.”
“It’s as though he’s lost in the fog somewhere but isn’t sure if he wants to find his way out of it. I’ll tell him something and half-an-hour later he asks me about what I said, and it’s as if he’s totally clueless and hearing it for the first time. I’m the one who’s supposed to be forgetful because I’m pregnant, but he’s off in la-la land half the time these days.”
“Maybe he’s feeling guilty about having left you for so long when he had to go press the flesh.” I shook my head.
“That isn’t it. I know his I’m-sorry-I-had-to-be-away routine, and this isn’t it. Is there something going on with the firm that I’ve missed?”
“Not to my knowledge. Well, no more so than usual, and if something is going on, I’m as clueless as you are.”
“You said Terry’s been goofy …what’s up with him?”
“Preoccupied. Pushy. Testy. All totally out of character for him. He’s even more intense, if you can believe that.”
It was Friday, and Dee
“Okay, we all know about Dino’s little escapade ….”
“That’s one word for it, and I’m still ready to throttle Melody.”
“If Terry wasn’t home every night, I’d wonder if he was screwing around on me.”
“Same here, but Max drives up the lane every evening promptly between seven and seven-fifteen. No lipstick on his collar or his dipstick, no lingering hint of perfume I don’t wear, no hair that isn’t obviously mine or the dogs’ on his clothing, nothing. And really, Dee,
“I know. That’s what makes it so strange. There’s absolutely nothing I can put my finger on with Terry, but he’s just not Terry right now. By the way, how’s Max’s hand?”
“He’s seeing the therapist twice a week now, and the mobility is improving. His finger is still too swollen to wear his ring, and that pisses him off no end. The orthopaedist and I – as well as the therapist – have told him it will take six months to a year before the swelling subsides enough to safely put his ring on again. I offered my own example of when Okie bit me a couple of years ago, and all that got me was an it-is-not-the-same comment. Hey, I noticed Terry’s not wearing his little-bit ring any longer? What’s up with that?”
“With Dino and him doing most of the travelling since you got pregnant, I told him to take it off. It’s just too distinctive if someone was trying to identify him. He put it on his key ring, so it’s always with him.”
“That’s likely a good idea. You know, the day Max broke his hand I tried to get him to take his ring off before we left and leave it here. He said no. I told him about my dad having lost his ring finger in a drilling rig accident the year he and my mom were married, and Max still said no.”
“I didn’t know your dad lost a finger.”
“Oh, yeah. He was on the rig floor and caught his ring on a snagged piece of drill chain when they were trying to loosen it. When they got it free and the chain tightened, it ripped his finger off at the base. The silly SOB retrieved the bloody – literally! – glove, removed the finger from it, took his wedding ring off it, and stuck the ring in his pocket. He had it resized and wore it on his right hand until he died.”
“I didn’t think your parents had all that good a marriage.”
“They didn’t. It was symbolic of stability to my dad. His perspective was that a responsible man was married, and the ring told everyone that he had done his social duty and accepted his responsibility as a man by getting married. It was always about what other people thought of him; that’s the thing that was most important to him. Those other people should have had a little chat with me and my mum.”
“That didn’t convince Max not to wear his ring when he’s doing manual labor?”
“Nope. His response was ‘Such things happen.’ I suppose he’s seen too many men missing arms and legs to worry about fingers. I gave up, and we both know the result.”
“Think he’ll be more careful in the future?”
“Think you’re going to sprout wings and fly?” We were both laughing as I hauled myself from my chair and went to get another cup of coffee.
DIANA
“Terry has another reason for acting weird.” I didn’t know if I could bring myself to actually tell Reags about this. She tilted her head to the side and waited. She and Max are rubbing off on each other; her head tilt is now exactly like his.
“He’s talking about getting married.”
Two weeks earlier at The
TERRY
True to his word, Dino had told Diana about his affair with Melody. She’d been very quiet since that day, and I was worried. I hadn’t appreciated his putting the nail of doubt into the coffin of my campaign of convincing her to marry me. She knew something was going on whilst he was in hospital despite my best efforts – or perhaps because of them – to keep her away, and learning of his indiscretion dragged her back into distrust. I was very pleased when she finally decided the breach of faith between Dino and Ellie had nothing to do with me; she came to that conclusion on her own. There had been a few dicey moments when she finally asked me about it.
She wanted to know if she was the last to learn of his affair with Melody. Dino had asked to be the one to tell her, and I’d honoured his request. I told her she was as I’d tried to shield her from it. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I had wanted to shield her from it, primarily for self-interest rather than a true desire to protect Dino.
My own selfish desire was that I didn’t want Diana any where near thinking on someone else’s indiscretions and projecting them onto how easily she might think I could be led astray.
Christ, I’d likely have married her at the end of our first weekend together. I knew it would have been complicated, but her complications are part of why I love her as I do. I didn’t like the baggage she carried, but I have enough faith in myself that I knew given time, I could overcome a great deal of that baggage. I didn’t know how long that would take, but I didn’t care. I am a patient man …personally as well as professionally.
Let me take that back. I wasn’t ready to marry her that soon, but when Diana had risked being so open in her interrogation knowing I would see it, I thought we might have a chance at happiness together. I’ve been round Max long enough that I suppose for a while there prior to meeting Diana, I started thinking marriage does include children, but that changed soon enough. As long as we’re together, the rest of it isn’t important. As long as Diana’s at my side, the world is right.
Diana doesn’t need me in her life – she was more than content before we met – but I wanted her to need me. That was a challenge because she’s so bloody independent. She’s always seemed to be of the notion that relying on a man – even for comfort – somehow diminished her independence; hopefully, she now realises that isn’t the case. She’d actually started asking for my help on the night of the storm.
I think perhaps I’ve helped with some of the baggage she carries; once she finally opened up and talked with me about parts of it, she relaxed quite a bit. She still carries the hurt with her, but I think I’ve made it better because I’ve made it very clear her past has not followed her into our life.
One of the things I so love about her is that she’s finally come to the place where she’s forthright with me. She speaks her mind, no sugar-coating allowed. She’s smart and funny and hard all at the same time. I suspect those attributes are a function of the time she spent in the corporate and defence worlds. Women don’t survive those environments unless they’re at the top of their game; she’d done a good deal more than just survive.
Christ knows she’s a challenge; she was the night I met her, and that’s not changed. She keeps me from getting stale and not just in our relationship. Her insightfulness had made me not only a better professional but a better man. She’s forced me to trot out the list of my own insecurities, take a hard look, and put them to rest as much as is possible for me ever to do. Diana’s helped with slaying some of my ghosts.
Part of the challenge that is Diana was her ability to keep me at an emotional arm’s length for as long as she did. It took her for-bloody-ever to let me in and confide in me. Our ability to miscommunicate is legend …that bollocks-up the night before we learnt Max had been abducted is likely one for the record books. We rocked through most of the period Max was held captive with her thinking we’d not finished sorting things out because getting him home was everyone’s priority. I was busy thinking she’d given me the gate.
She’s my partner and equal in every way imaginable but for the legal one.
DIANA
“Diana, we’ve talked all the way round this. None of my hints have led you into the conversation. We need to talk about marriage, and I’m not interested in another recitation of your ‘we’re fine the way we are’ litany. I know we’ve said we’re permanent, and we are, but I want the ring on your finger and the marriage certificate. It’s the altar boy in me; I need the sacrament.”
“Terry, I don’t have a thing to say …I won’t say no, but I can’t say yes either. You told me after Reags and Max’s wedding you weren’t interested in getting married. What made you change your mind?” My hand was shaking in his.
He was silent a long time. He was calculating the odds of what reasons he could give that would get him the result he wanted – me to say yes to a proposal he hadn’t offered me yet.
I used his line that he uses on me with devastating effectiveness. “Tell me.”
“I never ruled marriage out as an option. I focussed on what we needed then. We needed, you needed to hear I was committed to you; you weren’t ready for more then.”
“So you got sneaky and kept throwing in subliminal ideas about marriage after that. What do you want me to say about getting married? Most people we know socially assume we’re married; our friends don’t care. In several states we’re already married under common law.”
“There is nothing common about you, Lady, or what we mean to each other. Our marriage won’t be common either. We’ve never held ourselves out to be married so we aren’t considered common law in the State of Texas
“Terry, I’ve never even thought about marriage since my early twenties, not even to you.”
“Yes, you have. You’ve talked about what we’d fight over if we divorced. By definition, there has to have been a marriage before there can be a divorce.”
“Then it was my subconscious; some of your psych warfare got through. As an adult woman, I’ve never consciously thought about getting married. I’d have to change even more than I have already, and the thought of that scares me. You’d expect me to be the little woman.” The hand that was holding mine let go, and his jaw tightened.
“I’d never expect that, and I’d never want that from you.”
“Can you honestly tell me you didn’t expect that of Marjorie?”
“I did – and it was what she’d been trained into by her mum – but I’ve also done a lot of growing up since then.”
“Past performance, Baby. It’s the best predictor of future behaviour.” As a warped mark of our development as a couple, I was willing to meet him anger for anger.
“What in bloody hell do you have against marriage, Diana?”
“I’m afraid I won’t be good at it. Remember? I’m not good at relationships, or have you managed to forget that?”
“You’ve been good at ours.”
“That’s more your doing than mine.”
“Why do you think that?”
“You’ve made it easy for me to love you. You haven’t pressured me on anything, you’ve let me stumbple around in the dark until I got to my own truth.”
TERRY
Stumbple …I think we just added another word to her vocabulary.
“Love doesn’t have to be hard, Diana.” I leant back and shoved my hand in my pocket, feeling the ring there. At least I’d have been prepared if I’d got the answer I wanted. I rubbed it …you have to stay hidden a bit longer, Love. I was talking to the thing as if it was live the way Diana talks to the mower when it’s being recalcitrant.
“Sometimes love just isn’t enough. How would we make it work?” At least she was asking how we’d make it work. There was hope.
“The same way we’ve made living together work.”
“Marriage changes people, Terry. You’ve told me that. I don’t know that I want to change any more.”
“Am I asking you to change?”
“You aren’t …marriage would.”
“Diana, it’s simply two names on a piece of paper.”
“Then why is it so important to you?”
She won’t like my answers, or she’ll laugh herself silly. “I’m a parochial bastard. I want you as my wife; the permanence of it appeals to me. I want my ring on your finger to ward off the other blokes.”
“What other blokes? Even before you came along, I worked around mostly males, and because of that, I wouldn’t find a mate in the workplace; I’d seen too many messy office romances to get into one myself. Nothing in my life put me in contact with any eligible men. Now the only time I’m around likely men, I’m obviously with you, and none of them are willing to take you on. There are no other men.” Her sceptical tone did not deter me.
“I’m also an egotistical bastard.” I winced at her nod, but her hand sliding under my shirt took the sting out.
“I think you are the most beautiful, perfect woman in the world.” I know that her own inner voice won’t accept that statement without the phrase ‘for me’ added; she does not believe in absolutes.
“I want the rest of the world ….” She knows me too well. “All right, I want the rest of the men in the world to know that I won.” I should have known she’d be ready for that one.
“I don’t need to make that statement. The women in the world already know that I have the best man around. It doesn’t stop them from going after you.” We laughed remembering the Carole Swearingen story I’d told her when she was in Washington.
I needed to end this, at least for the moment. I’d have to bring up getting married again as Diana wouldn’t feel the need to bring up why we shouldn’t. Then again, perhaps I could manoeuvre her into bringing up the subject; I’ll have to think on that.
“We’re at an impasse for now, Diana, but we will talk about it again when you’re ready.”
“That’s another thing I’m afraid of.” At least she was laughing when she said it.
Present Day at Elysium’s Gate
REAGAN
What I wanted to say after her simple statement that Terry was talking about marriage was, ‘And you didn’t fucking throw yourself at him and say YES? Just how fucking stupid are you?’ I wanted to shriek and rail ‘He’s the best man you’ve ever known! He loves you! You love him! So fucking what that the man hasn’t asked you a direct question? What’s so hard about doing what you both want, even if you can’t consciously acknowledge it?’ Depending on her answer, we’d make record time to the office for her to say ‘yes’ to Terry, or I’d beat her senseless. She’d chalk my rant up to my pregnancy.
My calmer side kicked in and controlled the hormonal surge. My voice was actually very well modulated when I spoke. I was proud of myself. “And marriage is a problem because …?”
I should have known she’d go for deflection. “It may be right for some people, but I’m not sure it’s right for me.”
I give up. Poor Terry. Dee
“Don’t overanalyse it. Don’t make him wait too long. And for Christ’s sake, don’t push him away!”
She can be so pigheaded when she doesn’t want to think about something, and she changed the subject. “Did I tell you about the night Terry brought Dino home for dinner unannounced?”
“No. I can’t say you did, but if you’re bringing it up now, there had to be something more unusual than Dino popping in for dinner.”
“Remember those bustiers Max and Terry got for us after you got married? Of course you got pregnant so fast that you probably didn’t work your way through the collection. The up side is that once the baby’s born, they’ll be great for getting you back into shape …they’ll compress you back into form."
“I remember …and I did get through all of mine. Max made very sure of that! Why the Hell do you think I ‘got pregnant so fast?’”
“Well, I only drag one of mine out on special nights.” I wondered what she considered a ‘special night.’ “And as I’d been working on sitting trot with the horses all day that was to have been a very special night.”
“Sitting forward, were you?”
“Shut up. But yes, though it wasn’t far enough forward and not long enough. Do you remember the red satin, half-cupped one?”
“How could I forget?”
“I was finishing up making dinner and looking forward to a very romantic evening. All I had on were the bustier, lace thigh-highs, and my five-inchers ….”
“To go with Terry’s eight-incher?”
“…and I heard the door open and Dino’s voice. Fortunately, Dino hung back talking to Holly, and Terry got to the kitchen first.”
“Didn’t Terry have the decency to shove you into the mud room?”
“He didn’t have to; his big old body covered any sight of me. He even covered my arms with his!”
“I know Dino couldn’t have been more than three feet behind him!”
“This time, he was, thank God and Holly. And you’re interrupting my story. Terry leaned down and whispered in my ear, ‘Some night for you to surprise me.’”
“With the demi-cups, I don’t need to ask where his hands were.”
“There was still enough blood going to his brain that he thought to yell at Dino and tell him we were out of wine. I think Dino got the message because he shouted back that he couldn’t possibly have dinner some place that was out of wine. The last we heard from him that night was the front door closing …he didn’t come back.”
“I’ll bet Terry calls from the car now if he’s bringing anyone home. What time was dinner?”
“Six the next morning.”
“Please tell me you remembered to turn off the stove. And is it hot in here, or is it just me?” Max would get attacked when he walked in the door tonight, even though Terry was with him; I’d just shove him and Dee toward the guest room. The increased estrogen level of pregnancy will do that for you. We laughed, and she looked at my protruding belly.
“Now that you’re pregnant, what’s happening in your love life, or has that come to a screeching halt?” I forced myself to laugh. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that the old Roman in Max had ‘decreed’ no more sex until after the baby was born; it was too painful to discuss even with my dearest friend. We’re just as bad as men; we’re willing to brag a little when we’re getting laid regularly but not terribly open when we’re not.
“Let’s just say we aren’t as active as we have been in the past. I’m tired a lot, and the baby’s big enough that he or she is getting in the way of any substantial activity. Max is too much of a gentleman to push me when I don’t feel up to the exertion.” Whether she read my comment for the subtext is something I don’t know. I do know that she didn’t pursue the topic. Perhaps I could direct the conversation back to her.
“Should I give Max a nudge toward talking to Terry about women not beating down doors for a wedding ring these days? Terry might relax a bit if Max reminded him of how long it took me to cave.”
“I don’t know …and I’m not at all sure that would make Terry feel any better. I know I hurt him he last time he brought up the topic; he may never bring it up again. He’ll have to get over his wounded pride first, and you know how long that’s likely to be.” If I know Terry, it’s likely to be when Hell freezes before he takes a serious run at it again, but he’ll keep pitching subtle reminders.
Fortunately for the deterioration of our conversation, Dee's
MAXIMUS
“Please tell me Reags has started nesting.” Nesting? That was a word I had not heard previously.
“I have no idea. What is nesting?”
“Getting the baby’s room ready, fussing more over you, rearranging the articles on top of the bathroom vanity, wanting furniture moved, laying in stocks of groceries, telling you that you need a more healthy diet so you’re around long enough to see this child grown and married …that sort of thing.”
“Ah …two weeks past she commented that having lunch from a fast-food take-out and eating at my desk was not in my best interest.”
“She’s nesting …thank Christ.”
“Why are you concerned with Cassandra’s behaviour?”
“Because it’s rubbing off on Diana; it’s called rabbiting, Mate, and I’m not referring to Diana’s horse.”
Rabbiting? My vocabulary was being expanded this day.
“What is rabbiting?”
“When women live together or when groups of women who work together are good mates, they often start cycling together …they bleed at the same time of the month because their hormones start matching up.”
“How can one woman’s hormones affect that of her friends?”
“It seems to be the Alpha bitch thing. The woman in the group with the highest level of estrogen sends out pheromones that the other women’s bodies respond to, and they start cycling with her. When there’s a pregnant woman in the midst, she always has the highest estrogen level, and it impacts the behaviour of the women closest to her. Reags and Diana spend at least three days a week together now, often more, and Diana’s beginning to nest.”
“Are you sure she isn’t with child?”
“That’s not possible, Max.”
“Why not? She is not yet past her fertile years.”
“It isn’t an issue of her fertility …you never read the transcript of Reags’ interview with Diana, did you?”
I shook my head. “It did not concern me; such things are private. If you were satisfied, I had no need to know the details.”
Terry sighed and looked out the window for a time before turning back to me. “Diana can’t have children, Max. She was in a car crash whilst at uni. A piece of metal went through her belly and severed her uterine artery. They had to do a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and save her life.”
I felt the tears gather in my eyes; I grieved for both of them. “I did not know, Terry. I extend my regrets to both of you; you would have been good parents.”
He smiled before speaking. “Well, it’s isn’t all bad. I don’t have to deal with being cut off three or four days a month, her PMS is tolerable, and she’s still a few years short of menopause.”
I did know what the terms PMS and menopause meant, but if she had lost her ability to bear children, why were those things relevant?
“I do not understand. If she no longer bleeds, how can she have PMS, and what does menopause have to do with her?”
“She still has her ovaries, Max, so she still cycles just like Reags does, and she’ll go through menopause just like Reags will. She lost the ability to carry children; everything else is the same, most of all the bloody moodiness that women seem to have. When she gets really bad, I shove chocolate at her, and that seems to work. Mate, we may have a rough few years ahead of us when their ovaries shut down. I just hope that’s a long while in the future. Perhaps once Diana’s gone through menopause we’ll get to the same body thermostat setting. I’m getting tired of being her personal foot warmer.”
“That may be, but we must first survive their childbearing years. Will Diana ‘rabbit’ with her each time Cassandra is with child?”
“Probably …but for the morning sickness, thank God. Max, you may have got lucky this time. I’m not aware of your having sympathetic morning sickness with Reags, but you may with any future pregnancies. It’s not uncommon for that to happen. Has Reags had any strange food cravings?”
I smiled. I would not divulge her specific cravings during the time she had carried the child we lost, but I would not lie. “A few. Please do not ask me to relate them; I should not enjoy pulling the car to the side of the road to avoid being ill whilst driving.”
He laughed. “That bad, eh?”
“That bad. What has Diana done that leads you to believe she is nesting?”
“She’s been shopping.”
“Diana – that most frugal of women – is spending your money? What has she purchased?”
“New sheets and towels and a bread-maker. Reags taught her to make bread. The bloody thing is sitting on the island – it’ll likely never be used and become another dust-catcher – but it’s there.”
“She may yet utilise it. I should not abandon hope were I you. Do watch for hot-cross buns made with olives.”
The look on his face was most sceptical. “The best one yet is the new love seat for our bedroom. You’re going to like this story.” I smiled as I drove and awaited his recitation.
He seemed to change his mind. “On second thought, we’ll be at your place in a tic. Let Diana tell you because she doesn’t realise she’s nesting. You deserve to have her re-enact it for you.”
TERRY
“Go on, Diana. Tell Max about the new love seat.” Reags turned to look at Diana, her mouth open in shock.
“You bought a new love seat and didn’t tell me?” Diana had the good grace to blush.
“Well, I was in Whitey ….” I couldn’t let that pass.
“She’s named the new truck I got for her. It’s a Dodge Cummins Diesel dually like Ellie’s, and ….” Reags mouth fell open again.
“You have a new truck and didn’t tell me that either? You’ve been here all bloody day and said nothing? What’s wrong with you, Dee?”
“Do you want to hear this story or not?” Definitely nesting …now she’s getting pissy. At least Maxie and I are here to break up the fight if they get into it. I hate to say this, but if they do get into it, my money’s on Reags. Her hormone levels are much higher than Diana’s at this point.
“And you’ve been so busy with all the baby stuff – not to mention what you’ve had me doing – that I hadn’t gotten around to it! Now, do you want to hear this story or not?”
“I want to hear it.” The fight is delayed for the time being.
“I was on my way down here and planned to show you the new truck as a surprise; you have to come up to the house to see the new horse trailer that goes with it. I passed one of the big furniture stores – they were having a sale – so I stopped and went in to see what they had. They had this really pretty, mud-colored – well, it’s a light mud color – loveseat, just sitting there. There’s been nothing in front of the bedroom windows since the storm when the tree came through the roof and took the chair out, and I haven’t seen anything I liked until now. This love seat was just calling my name!”
Our bedroom …my money …and the love seat called her name.
“It was such a good deal and was so comfortable when I was sitting on it, and it’s just as comfortable lying down on it.”
The bed’s sway-backed and falling apart, she won’t go bed and mattress shopping with me, but she’ll lie down on a love seat in a bloody furniture shop.
“If they hadn’t had one in the warehouse in the back of the store, I wouldn’t have bought it. But they did, so I did …it was preordained that I have this love seat!” Max nodded as he spoke.
“I can see that might be an omen.” The look he gave me said this wasn’t a funny story.
“She’s not got to the funny part, Mate.”
“The guys loaded it into the truck for me, and I drove home. Remember Reags? That was the day I called and told you I couldn’t make it. I was going to surprise you with the truck.” That got her a scowl from Reags.
“I remember. That was the day I was counting on you to help me reorganise the kitchen cabinets.”
“Your fucking cabinets don’t NEED reorganizing, Reags!” Diana was getting testy – again.
Max is right; Reags is a ‘Stepford Wife.’
“What I didn’t count on was that when I got home, everyone in the neighbourhood had left for the high school’s away game. There I was with this damn love seat in the back of the truck, and I had to get it in the house by myself.” Practical Max asked the obvious question.
“Why did you not wait until Terry got home?”
“What? He wasn’t due home for three days. Besides, it was supposed to rain that night. Let it get wet in the open truck bed? I don’t think so! I got the hay dolly from the barn; I figured I could get one end of it on that and kind of push it along and get it into the house with the ramps Bill built for Terry so it wouldn’t get scuffed up. Getting it into the front door was easy …the bedroom door was another story. First I had to vacuum, and I hadn’t counted on that, but first, I had to pick up Terry’s clothes, so maybe vacuuming was second.”
I’d not thought on that. I’d not realised that I was leaving my clothes lying round. I do recall Marjorie giving me bloody hell when she was pregnant for not picking up my clothes. Perhaps I’m getting more casual and adopting Diana’s ways? Dear God in Heaven …I’m nesting along with Max. The estrogen overflow has got me in its tenacious hold.
“Anyway, once I got all that done, ….” Max was fighting not to smile, and Reags was nodding in understanding. I knew better than to laugh; Diana wouldn’t take Max’s head off if he did. I was another matter entirely, and I kept my poker face intact.
“I started measuring the door and then the love seat. I had a bit of a problem. I’d intended to get it through the door with the arm-side going in first …it was too wide, and I couldn’t get it through. I measured the back, and it was too wide to go in upright, and the only way it would fit was to turn it sideways. The really nice thing about that is that it was so wedged in the door that I could step on the back and over it to the bedroom and pull it in.”
If she uses any iteration of ‘get it in’ once more, I’m going to toss her on the floor right here in Max and Reags’ lounge. I’ll show her how to ‘get it in.’ I’ll prove to all of them that I’ve escaped estrogen’s voracious tentacles. She was completely oblivious to my thought process.
“What I really hadn’t counted on was having to move the TV so that I could turn the loveseat kitty-cornered to get it all the way into the room.” She did it again …. “That meant I had to unhook all the cables from the TV and DVD player, but at least the TV stand’s on rollers. Of course, the TV’s so heavy that it almost tipped over a couple of times.” Max finally lost his iron control and laughed aloud; even Reags was grinning.
I looked at him and shook my head. “Just wait, Mate. It’s gets better.”
“So once I got all the shit out of the way, and I got it turned slanch-wise, it still got kind of stuck in the door. I was getting so frustrated that I sat down on the hearth and had a good cry.”
A good cry? Christ, I’d no idea she’d reached that level of nesting.
“I was not going to let a dumb piece of furniture get the best of me, so I crawled over it again, got back in the hallway, and noticed the end that was still sticking out was five or six inches off the floor. Since it was that far off the floor, I thought I’d try tipping it up and see if I could get it through the door that way. It got beyond its center of gravity and was sitting upside down in the bedroom. Obviously, I was making more progress with it going end-over-end, so I ‘endo-ed’ it over to the windows, got the arm close to where I wanted it to be, and tipped it forward. Voila!
“I let the dogs in, and the first thing Okie did was run over and mark it.”
That little bastard! He pissed on our brand new piece of furniture.
“I’d already sat on it, and Holly jumped up beside me and made herself comfortable. I was so glad when Terry got home early.”
I held up one finger to Max …wait for the punch line.
“I think I sat there too long because when Terry got home and came over to get me up, I was so sore, I couldn’t straighten up. I still looked like I was sitting but on my feet instead of my arse.” Max and Reags erupted in laughter.
“I told her it was a good job we have a fully stocked vet clinic in the barn. After half-a-quart of horse liniment and several hours of massage, she could walk up right. It was three days before she could straighten up without help.”
MAXIMUS
Diana is as determined – and stubborn – as my wife. Cassandra at last managed to stop laughing.
“Jesus, I wish I’d been there with a camcorder. I’d have been the easy $10,000 winner on World’s Funniest Home Videos.” I am glad she was not; she would have insisted on helping and done herself an injury. I suddenly realised that I worry over her constantly; perhaps I, too, am nesting.
“It would never have been aired. There were far too many swear words for them to bleep.”
“Yeah, but I could have used it to keep you in line for years!” Terry shook his head as he spoke.
“I was anticipating coming home to the Naked Maja. Instead, the moaning in passion I was hoping to hear was replaced by moans of pain and a woman who walked like a crone for three days.”
“Reags, since you’re bitching about me not telling you things, let me tell you about our new TV. All that was required to move the damn thing was to slide the stand straight back, but that was too easy for Mr. Macho. At least we can hide the hole in the plaster from the 800-pound TV smacking into it with the new widescreen that’s now hanging over the hole. If I didn’t know Terry as well as I do, I’d think he did it on purpose.”
We all burst into laughter, even Terry. I must consult him on prices of wide-screen television sets, as we shall require one for our bedroom and the lounge once we move into the new house. Perhaps one receives a discount if one purchases two.
*
It is shameful to admit, but Cassandra and I took undue advantage of having Terry and
I began to notice an aroma coming from the kitchen. It was one unfamiliar to me, and I looked at my wife.
“What are you preparing for dinner? I do not recognise the aroma.”
“Actually, it’s a combination of recipes …General Tsao’s Chicken with Spicy Peanut Sauce.”
I saw Terry’s eyebrows go up in shock and heard Diana’s whispered comment as my wife returned to the kitchen.
“It didn’t sound that good to me either, but she’s Irish and her temper is intact. Even if I ran, she’s still nimble enough to hit me upside my head with her cast iron skillet!”
All of us will be heartily glad when this child is born.
NOTES
| Common Law Marriage |
Ten states ( |
| Stepford Wife |
Based on the original 1975 film, a Stepford
Wife is one whose house is “perfect,” including
having all the cans in her pantry organised and with labels facing
forward so they can be easily read.
|
| The Naked Maja |
Francisco Jose de Goya’s reclining
full-frontal nude painted in 1800 was considered shocking at the time. |